Is it possible for my ex to change? Can someone really change? Should I believe him / her when he / she says that they will change? Has he / she really changed?
“I promise it won’t happen again”, “I won’t make the same mistake twice”. “Give me another chance”, “I've changed”, “it changed me.” We’ve all heard the promises over and over again. We've heard someone say that they’ve change, seen them change for a few days or weeks and then go back to their ‘old self’. Sometimes we hope that eventually they will change and everything will be perfect - and it just never seems to happen.
Is it really possible for someone to change? That’s the question we may all ask ourselves at least a couple of times in our life's.
What does it mean to change?
To change is to stop what you’re doing to hurt the other person and forget about it completely moving on without it. In order to change you need to be willing to move forward without your past ‘habit’. For some people this may be flirting with others, staying out with friends, partying, cheating or abusive behavior. In order to change you need to acknowledge what you’re doing and that fact that it is wrong or not okay or acceptable for your relationship, make a conscious decision to change and move on.
How do I know if he / she is serious about changing?
The only way to know for sure that someone has changed is to measure their actions. Actions really do speak louder than words. It’s all good and well for someone to say that they want to change or that they will but it is all pointless and worthless without them actually doing something about it.
It’s important to time their actions too. Sometimes someone will say that they will change or that they have changed and will actually be different and ‘changed’ for a few days or even weeks but eventually they will return to their old ways. You need to be open to seeing this and avoid being naive. Appreciate the change in them but do not get too excited too soon. They say it takes 40 days for a habit to stick. Wait at least 40 days to see a change in them. If they can keep it up past 40 days then chances are you may be lucky and they may really have changed. Bear in mind though that this depends entirely on their habit and what they are claiming to change. This may have a deferring period.
If for example they were abusive and it usually happened once every month or two then obviously you’d have to wait longer to see a change. Maybe three months or four.
A good way of measuring a change is to see how your partner deals with certain situations or circumstances. Look at how he or she reacts or behaves and compare it to how he or she usually reacted or how the old he or she would have behaved or reacted in similar situations. Use this as a guideline.
Should I give him / her another chance?
Everybody deserves a second chance. Sometimes people actually learn from their mistakes and don’t ever make them again. Sometimes all someone needs is a second chance. Not everyone deserves a fourth, fifth, sixth, tenth… chance though. If you’re standing on the brink of a fourth or fifth chance then you might need to think about it a little more. Chances are you might find yourself right back where you started again (see below).
|Vicious Circle of "change"|
The decision on whether or not to give someone another chance may be a tough one to make. You alone will know deep down whether or not it’s worth it. You know your partner and your relationship. You know where you’ve been and you can tell whether or not things will ever change. It’s very understandable to be hopeful and to keep hoping or believing that things will change or get better but sometimes we’re only fooling ourselves. Sometimes the painful truth is that things will never change.
If you’re stuck in a horrid circle and aren't getting anywhere you need to be strong enough to face the facts, acknowledge the truth and move forward. You could be wasting valuable time trying to get someone who doesn’t value you to change when there is someone perfect waiting for you out there.
Yes – chances are that he will never change. She will never change her ways. He will always put his friends above you. She will always be a flirt. He will never put you first. BUT there is always the exception to the rule. Although chances are high that your situation may not change and that you’re bound to find yourself stuck in the vicious "circle of change", there is always the exception to the rule. I believe that true love can change any person. If you really love someone, you would be willing to change anything or give up anything for them. If you don’t, you won’t.
If your partner loves you as much as he / she claims to they should be able to change – not just say it. If they can’t then obviously you’re not as important to them as you would like to be.
Get Free Email Updates