Don't ever use your child / children to hurt your ex: Co-parenting / Single Parents

Why does my ex use our child to hurt me? Is it ever okay to use your child against your ex? Why should you never use your child against your ex?

Using your child to hurt your ex is one of the most terrible things you could ever do. There are many reasons why this is never a good idea but the most important of this is probably that you end up hurting your child in the process.

How do people use their children against their exes?

There are various ways that parents do this. I will list a few:

1. Poisoning the child's mind against the other parent. 

One parent will sometimes badmouth the other parent to the children or find a way to instill negativity in them surrounding the other parent. Some parents will find a way to convince a child that their other parent doesn't care about them enough, is not making them a priority or should be doing more then what they are even if that parent is going out of their way to provide for the child and to be a part of his or her lives. The truth is, some people are so bitter with the break up that they will never be satisfied with the other parents contributions and efforts even if they are sticking to their parenting plan or court order because they do not want the other person happy. This results in them forcing these ideologies and thoughts onto the children resulting in them not seeing or valuing the other parents efforts. 

2. Trying to hurt the one parent by staying away from your child or not providing for him or her. 

Some parents wrongfully mistake being a part of their child's lives or contributing towards their upbringing as them doing a favor for the other parent. I know a mom who usually thanked or praised her ex for contributions or his time spent with his son when he did show up and this contributed towards him thinking that he was doing her a favor whenever he did these things. All she was doing was showing gratitude for the things that were in her sons best interests. This does not work out well because once this other parent is upset or angry with the grateful parent, they stay away from the child or stop providing for the child in an aim to get back at the parent or to spite them. This is exactly what happened with this mom. It is obviously directly impacting to the relationship of the parent who is staying away with the child instead and damages this relationship completely

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3. Keeping your child away from the other parent. 

Some parents resort to withholding contact with the child from the other parent in an aim to punish then for the failure of their relationship or as a means of getting money or child support from the other parent. 

4. Extorting money or similar from the other parent for your own benefit or gain by using the child. 

I am familiar with a women who would receive money and child support from the other parent but will still use their children as a pawn to try and get more money out of him. She will try and justify items that need to be fixed or replaced at her place of residence as being for the children's good. Others will similarly even go as far as purchasing houses or added extras above their means and then trying to lay some of these expenses on the other parent claiming that they are to the child's benefit as well. This woman was exactly like that. These people will always look for ways of extorting the other parent for their own gain.

5. Blackmailing or guilt tripping the other parent.

No matter how much one parent contributes, how often they contact or see the child or how much of an effort they make, some parents will still look for ways to guilt trip the other parent or emotionally blackmail them. Some very sad and bitter parents even result to threatening the other parent with court if they feel that they are not getting their way in manipulating or bossing the other parent around. The end result is that the children are left in the middle having to be the rope in the tug of war going on around them.

As you can see from the 5 points above, the ones who suffer the most from the behavior of selfish parents are the children. Don't ever use your child as a weapon or tool against your ex. If you truly love your children you will want what is best for them at all times.