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Friday, May 10, 2019

I want a child but my husband is not interested. What should I do? - Q&A

Is having children or not having children a deal breaker in relationships?
What should you do if your partner is not interested in having children and you are?

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. I would love to have a child with him but he is not interested. What should I do?

Unfortunately having a child or wanting a child is not something you can easy persuade someone of . Similarly you cant easy persuade someone to not want to have a child when they do - and you shouldn't. The main reason for this is that it is a very sensitive situation.
Having a child should be something you want to do:
- Not to please someone else
- or because you feel forced into it

but because you genuinely want to. 
You should either deliberately plan a pregnancy because you want to or it should happen by surprise.
One of the biggest reasons for this is that you need to fully support each other throughout the pregnancy as well as raising the child. I don't think you ever want to hear "well I didn't want this anyway. You forced me!" at any point during the ups and downs of pregnancy or parenting.
 You should be 100% dedicated.  
You also do not want the parent who did not want a child to resent the child. Children can pick up on such feelings and that would be a terrible thought for a child who did not ask for any of this.
It is due to the complexity of this and the fact that you cannot just change someones mind about having or wanting a child that it is often important to have this discussion before getting married or right at the beginning of your relationship. Chat about it casually and see what each one wants or is hoping for from life. 

Sometimes you do have a problem where one person changes their mind - they wanted a baby in the beginning but then they no longer do. That is a very tricky situation but sometimes unavoidable.
More often then not the person will have their mind set and you can then decide whether this is a deal
breaker for you or not. If you decide to carry on with the relationship despite your partners feelings about having a child then you must do so knowing that your partner may not change his or her mind and you should be okay with that (if you value your relationship more).
You are already married now so that is not something you can do.
What I would suggest is that you chat to your partner about it "one last time". 

  • Make it a casual chat not an intense emotional one. I know it can be very hard to manage but you will need to try your utmost best. 
  • Find out what it is that your partner is concerned about. 
  • Talk about your reasons for wanting to have a child and your partners reasons for not wanting to and see if you could put each others minds at ease.
  • Express your view points highlighting how you feel and what you think as well as how you see it working for the best and try not to put your partner or his thoughts down.
  • Address your partners concerns by understanding where he is coming from and give a solution for each concern if there is one available.
Here are a few reasons why your partner may not want to have a baby with you:
- He doesn't feel financially able to provide adequately for his family including a baby or another baby.
- He doesn't feel "young enough" to handle the responsibilities and time needed to dedicate to another baby.
- He feels that another baby would subtract from the time he gets with you.
- He feels that you are not handling the children you already have well enough as a family.
- He is unknowingly being selfish. Maybe he has lived "his life" in that he has more then 1 biological child already and now doesn't feel the need to have any more children but is being selfish in that he isn't considering the fact that you do not have any children or only have one child.
- He is putting the thoughts or opinions of others above you. Someone (his parents, friends, family members or even other children) have told him or hinted that it wouldn't be a good idea for him to have other children or that they dont want him to. He may be more concerned with their viewpoints, feelings or thoughts then he is about yours.
Have that "final chat" with your partner and if it doesn't seem like your partner has lighted up after the conversation or that he doesn't even seem a little open to the idea then let it go. Don't bring it up ever again and move on from the topic. 
Hopefully you will be able to alleviate your parners concerns and allow him to see the pros to having a baby with you or your side of things. Hopefully you can reach a compromise where you agree that naybe right now is not the best time but maybe you can have a baby together in the future. 
If you are meant to have a baby with your partner he or she will change their mind on their own in their own time and it will be awesome because then they will WANT TO have a baby with you and they will be 100% in and not forced or anything.
If you really feel like a child is what you want or need immediately and your partner is completely against the idea then you need to decide whether or not your relationship is worth more then having a baby or for your partner whether not having a baby is more important then your relationship. If you feel that a baby is of more importance then you will have to move on.
I hope this helps

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