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Is my ex over me? Does my ex still have feelings for me? Is there still hope? Does my ex still love me?
My Ex hasn’t tried to make contact
*Sometimes some people take longer than others to start missing someone.
*He/she might have a big ego or may be drowning in pride making it hard for him/her to make contact.
*He/she might be in denial or waiting for you to make the first move.
Most of the time though, none of these are the case. Even if your partner is filled with pride, if he/she really has feelings for you he/she would put that all aside and make contact. If it’s been at least a month or longer and you still haven’t heard from your ex then chances are he/she has moved on.
My Ex doesn’t show remorse or regret
My Ex doesn’t bring me or our relationship up
My ex is dating other people
In contrary to being treated like a friend, in most cases if your ex still has feelings for you and you bump into each other you should feel a sense of awkwardness from your ex if he/she still has feelings for you.
Relationships end for various reasons. Sometimes we break hearts and sometimes our hearts get broken. The important thing is to realise when a relationship is over and be strong enough to move on.
Read:
How to get over an ex
How to forget your ex / How to move on
Signs that your ex wants you back
Why am I still inlove with my Ex
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| Broken Hearted girl |
So many times we may miss our exes so badly and wish to get back together with them but not be certain whether or not they feel the same. There is nothing worse than hoping that you can fix things with an ex but not knowing whether or not he/she still has feelings for you or wants you back.
There are many signs that will let you know whether or not your ex is over you or if there is still love between the two of you. It’s important to keep an open mind and know that you can tell whether or not you still stand a chance with your ex if you pay enough attention.
The following are sure signs that your ex has moved on from your relationship and that maybe you should do the same.
**15 November 2016: Please note that comments are full on this article and can no longer be posted or answered here. If you commented and can't find your reply please check new posts as I will have posted it as a post on it's own. I REPLY EVERY COMMENT. Thanks :) **
**15 November 2016: Please note that comments are full on this article and can no longer be posted or answered here. If you commented and can't find your reply please check new posts as I will have posted it as a post on it's own. I REPLY EVERY COMMENT. Thanks :) **
My Ex hasn’t tried to make contact
If you’ve been broken up for more than a couple of weeks and your ex hasn’t tried to contact you in any way, chances are it’s because he/she might not be thinking about you or missing you (yet).
Note:
If you and your ex decided to be friends or keep contact after the break up then this sign will not be relevant. If you didn’t decide on keeping contact and maybe stopped talking for a while after the break-up then this sign should be taken into consideration.
Exceptions:
*Sometimes some people take longer than others to start missing someone.
*He/she might have a big ego or may be drowning in pride making it hard for him/her to make contact.
*He/she might be in denial or waiting for you to make the first move.
Most of the time though, none of these are the case. Even if your partner is filled with pride, if he/she really has feelings for you he/she would put that all aside and make contact. If it’s been at least a month or longer and you still haven’t heard from your ex then chances are he/she has moved on.
If your ex shows absolutely no regret or remorse for what went wrong in your past relationship or how things ended (or doesn't even regret the fact that you broke up) then your ex probably doesn’t view it as important because he/she has moved on.
When you speak to your ex you need to hear or feel a sense of regret in his/her tone. Even if the ending of the relationship wasn’t only his/her fault he/she should show regret for the fact that you’re not together anymore.
When you speak to your ex you need to hear or feel a sense of regret in his/her tone. Even if the ending of the relationship wasn’t only his/her fault he/she should show regret for the fact that you’re not together anymore.
Your ex should show that he/she regrets that you’re relationship came to an end. If he/she did do something wrong in the relationship, your ex should show that he/she’s sorry for what they did and maybe say or in some way suggest that they wish things didn’t turn out the way they did.
Note:
If you’re not talking at the moment then you will need to find other ways of knowing whether or not your ex has any remorse or regrets for the situation. You will be able to find this out by speaking to or getting some of your friends to talk to your ex in order to find out how he/she may feel about the break up.
In order to know whether or not your ex falls into this sign you might need to do a little asking around. If you have any mutual friends or can get one of your friends to talk to your exes friends (if you don’t want to do it yourself) you’ll be able to figure this one out.
You need to find out whether or not your ex mentions or speaks about you or your past relationship in any kind of way. If your ex just finds reason to speak about you or your past relationship then it’s clear that you're still on his/her mind. Without even having to say something about regret or missing you, just speaking about you shows that he/she hasn’t completely moved on from the relationship or you yet.
If your ex says things like he/she misses you, regrets the break-up or wishes you were still together in conjunction to talking about you a lot or at all, it’s clear that he/she hasn’t moved on yet.
If you’re ex is with someone else and everyone else including you can tell that he/she seems happy then that’s a definite sign that it’s over.
Another clue would be that if you meet up with your ex (bump into him/her, have a random conversation on the phone, etc.) he/she mentions how happy he/she is or that he/she is so happy with their new love and would like you to meet their new partner.
You should definitely see any of these as a major sign that your ex has moved on.
You should definitely see any of these as a major sign that your ex has moved on.
My Ex treats me like a friend
The way your ex treats you after the break up is really worth noting.
If your ex treats you exactly the same way he/she does their other friends then you should definitely take note. There is no worse place to be then in the friends’ zone.
Look at the way your ex acts around you, talks to you or behaves around you. If it seems like you’re friends and nothing more than chances are that’s exactly what you are and your ex has moved on.
Look at the way your ex acts around you, talks to you or behaves around you. If it seems like you’re friends and nothing more than chances are that’s exactly what you are and your ex has moved on.
In contrary to being treated like a friend, in most cases if your ex still has feelings for you and you bump into each other you should feel a sense of awkwardness from your ex if he/she still has feelings for you.
The awkwardness could be from the fact that you have a past together but in most cases it’s due to the fact that your ex sill has feelings for you and is thus not sure how to act around you.
Your ex might also be so accustomed to being/behaving like your boyfriend/girlfriend that he/she doesn’t know how else to behave around you and that’s why things feel completely awkward.
Relationships end for various reasons. Sometimes we break hearts and sometimes our hearts get broken. The important thing is to realise when a relationship is over and be strong enough to move on.
Read:
How to get over an ex
How to forget your ex / How to move on
Signs that your ex wants you back
Why am I still inlove with my Ex
**15 November 2016: Please note that comments are full on this article and can no longer be posted or answered here. If you commented and can't find your reply please check new posts as I will have posted it as a post on it's own. I REPLY EVERY COMMENT. Thanks :) **
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Yea but what if you broke your ex heart after 4 months he really liked you even after break up,about a year after he started dating another girl and have been going out for 2 years and you never got to say your sorry could their be a possibility to get them back like righting a letter to them to start of and saying how sorry you are?could it be maybe just maybe they where waiting for you and where scared they where gonna get hurt so started dating someone else.
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for the comment.
Yes that is a very big possibility. In many cases pride and fear can get in the way of love and successful relationships that's why they are so dangerous.
Two years is a very long time though (if this is how long you’re saying you've been broken up and he's been dating someone else).
It's clear that you still have feelings for him and he really could feel the same way. Due to the fact that there's someone else involved now and he's been with her for so long there is a very big possibility that he has deep feelings for her now too (maybe he feels just as deeply about her as he does you, maybe he still has deeper feelings for you).
The only way you can be certain is to tell him how you feel. You are spot on with the letter as this is a great way to get your feelings across if you fear telling him in person or are worried you might forget something.
Please read the following articles. They might really help. If you'd like more advice or info please feel free to reply or contact me on the 'contact me' page.
Articles:
Can you ever really forget someone (http://relationship-tips-that-work.blogspot.com/2012/01/can-you-ever-really-forget-someone.html)– Shows the fact that if you and your ex really had feelings for each other those feelings never completely go away
How to get your ex back (http://relationship-tips-that-work.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-to-get-your-ex-back-part-2.html) – Making contact – you could use the tips in this article when writing your letter (if you decide to). There is also a list of other articles that might be helpful at the end of this article.
Good luck!!!!!
Read your article and have a few questions .. What if you & your ex broke up two years ago and just bumped into each other and realize that you still have feelings for him. For the past month I've seen him on couple occasions where we've talked and kiss and hung out. I think I'm starting to develop feelings for him again but he has a girlfriend whom he has been going out with for two years. They even now have a child together. Do you think it's a safe bet to tell him how i feel and be hopeful that we can get back together or just leave the situation alone? I know he wants to sleep with me and as do i but i dont just want to be friends with benefits i want something more .... do you think he'll be able to give me that or what that too ? Can anyone help me ? on
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for your comment. I hope I will be able to help you better.
It’s really great that you know exactly what you want: with regards to being more than just a friend with benefits.
The only way you will know for sure what you’re ex wants, if he feels the same and if he’d like to get back together (in more than just a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of way) would be to tell him how you feel and ask him.
Before telling him how you feel (if this is what you decide to do) the best thing would be to fully assess the situation. Think about everything that’s changed from the time that you were together to now:
• There is now a child involved.
• He’s currently in a somewhat of a long term relationship.
• You’re not sure how he’d react.
Knowing that he still has feelings for you (in the fact that you’ve hung out and kissed etc) you should be more confident that his feelings for you haven’t died out. You still don’t know whether or not he’s be willing to end his relationship with his current girlfriend in order to give your relationship another shot though. He would need to do this in order to avoid you being a ‘friend with benefits’ or even worse; ‘the girl on the side’.
Your best bet would be to tell him the next time you spend time together. Tell yourself that even if his response isn’t the one you’re particularly looking for at least you will be able to have gotten it off your chest and he’ll know how you feel. If anything it will make you feel loads better (like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders).
With regards to this article (and all others you'd find anywhere) there is ALWAYS the exception to the rule.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck!
Hi!
DeleteI completely get where you’re coming from and hope that my advice was in no way seen as promoting or suggesting infidelity as a solution to anything – If it appeared that way then I’d like to take this opportunity to clear that up.
Thanks for making known to me the fact that that’s what it may have come across as.
What I was trying to highlight in my response to the readers question was the fact that she needed closure because she felt that she was in a position where she wasn't sure what her ex wanted from her or how he felt and was worried that she would end up in a 'friends with benefits' situation and evidently this was weighing down on her and affecting her life negatively. This can be seen in me telling her that the only way to find out would be in asking him. If you read the comment you’d see that she has been seeing him (kissing, etc.) so it wasn’t like I was telling her to suddenly start contact with him.
I am in no way oblivious to the fact that there is a child involved and that it does complicate the situation further hence I told her that she needed to assess the situation fully including the fact that a child and long term relationship were now in the picture before deciding whether or not she wanted to express her feelings to him. Please note that the child does need a father but it is not particularly healthy or suitable for him/her to be witness to a relationship where his/her father is unfaithful to his/her mother either.
The fact that telling him would give her closure and allow her to move on were demonstrated in my telling her that it would allow her to feel like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
This website is a platform to help people in all positions and all situations and is not a means of talking down on or judging people. My position on this site is to help many find solutions that will make their lives better, help them figure out all the options as well as pros and cons of the decisions they might make AND allow them to make the decisions themselves. I am not here to tell anyone on this site what they should do as everyone is responsible for their own lives and own decisions.
If finding closure is what she needs to move on and in order to prevent her being used in a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of way (seeing as that is what she asked for advice about) then that is what she needs to do. If anything it would allow her to hear from him that he doesn’t plan on being with her exclusively (if that is his stand on the situation and he was messing both her and his current girlfriend around) and she will then be able to move on and learn from the current situation before making a mistake like sleeping with him which she was worried about doing and which would ultimately make the situation worse.
If you read the follow up comment below this post you will see that the same reader commented saying that she used the advice and found that he wasn't willing to be exclusive with her. She has thus realized that they broke up for a reason. I also told her (in response to that comment) that it was probably for the best and that the fact that he was willing to cheat with her also meant that he was likely to cheat on her if they did get back together.
I hope that I have clarified my reply a bit better in this post.
Thanks a lot for your input and opinion!
Thanks, I took your advice and talked to him about it last night and he said that he can't just up and leave and end it and him & I start up again.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if that's an indication that he doesn't want to or it would have to take some time ...
It's so weird because now that we've slept together. i think my feelings have grown for him(which i was afraid of) and I'm definitely reminiscing about what was and hopefully starting things up.
I'm not even sure if that relationship was that great where we should even start it up again because we did break up for a reason( which was trust ) and so i don't know if it would be wise but my heart tells me otherwise. Also , I don't know if now that we've slept together if he would even show interest in me any more which would leave me heartbroken all over again.
Hi there!
DeleteI'm really glad you spoke to him about it. At least now you know exactly where you stand with regards to your relationship.
If you're not sure about starting a relationship with him again then don't. As the saying goes - when in doubt then don't!
You’re right about breaking up for a reason. If trust is the reason you broke up then maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea to rush things.
The fact that he's sleeping with you while being in a relationship with someone else means that he might do the same thing to you if you're back in a relationship. Be sure to think through everything before making a decision.
Hi so I broke up.with my bf of two plus years. Now I'm sad and miss him. I thought I would be happy on my own but then again its all still new.its complicated having a relationship being a single mom. How do I know if i made the right decision for me and my child?
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks for the comment :)
All break-ups hurt at first especially after having been together for such a long time. The fact that you made the decision to break up with him despite the fact that you have a child and as a mother would hate to complicate things for him or her, must mean that you must have really felt that that was the best thing to do.
You're bound to miss him; it is extremely rare that a long term relationship like yours would not have had deep feelings of love in it.
The best advice I could give you to review your decision in order to confirm whether or not it was the best one for you both, would be to write up a table of advantages and disadvantages of staying in the relationship for you and your child. Weigh out the pros and cons and you'd soon be able to tell whether or not you made the right decision. You can find an example and information on how to do this here: http://relationship-tips-that-work.blogspot.com/2011/06/should-i-take-my-ex-back.html
If you did make the right decision; just be strong. Break-ups are painful but there is always a rainbow at the end of the pain. If you broke up due to abuse or anything like that then it really was for the best.
No matter what your reason for breaking up, if it really was the best decision you could have made, rest assured that there is someone out there who will treat you and your child with the love, respect and attention you deserve. Sometimes it's better for a child to be with a single parent (or with a parent in a new relationship) then to witness or be caught in the middle of a painful relationship.
You're a great mom for being concerned about the welfare of your child.
Hope this helps.
Good luck!!
Jade
Hi thanks for your reply. So he's contacted me saying he wants to work things out
DeleteBut I don't know at this point if I want to do that. Its not.because I don't love him its because I don't want to end up back at this point. I don't know if love is enough. I have to really.think things through.
Hi there!
DeleteIt's only a pleasure.
You're right for wanting to think things through. It's better to think things through or play all the possible outcomes out over and over in your head until you're a hundred percent sure it's what you want to do then to jump straight back into the relationship only to regret it later.
I don't know if you have broken up and gotten back together again before with this guy but it's good that he at least misses you and realizes that you really where a great part of his life.
Due to the fact that your break-up is still relevantly fresh you can tell him that you need some time to think things through. Weigh things out like I told you in my previous reply and make sure you do what is best for you!
Everything of the best!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeletejust wanted to get some advice, i was with my ex for 6 yrs and have a wonderful boy of 4 yrs old. we just broke up about 3weeks ago. the reason i was the one that broke up with him is because something in me was telling me he was cheating on me. he just moved to las vegas about a month in a half and im in california. this makes it hard on me due to the fact that i have had girls in the past trying to break us up. so after he came down for 3 days, 2 weeks later afeter he had left i found some sneaky things on his cell. i asked him about it and he denied it all. i had enought and called it off.. i regret over accusing him but i didnt now what to do. the 3rd day when he left i had to go to work so we didnt even talk. later that day he mess me that he didnt wanna loose me that he didnt know that would he do without me. i told him that to give me time and that if he changes on his own we can work things out. he said yes he would do anything and so on.. well 3 days later i checked my cell history and i notice that some number came up non stop texting i asked him about it and he said it was his manager. but i knew it wasn't. just found out last week they are not going out. i was so heart broken by it because i couldn't believe that he moved on so fast.
i called him out for it and he said he wasn't with her that his just talking to her. i asked hi is she making you happy he said so far yes. i guess because i been arguing with him and constantly accusing him that he moved on. he did tell me to give him a week to think of what he want and did say even though i already know. today is that week he needed but i dont wanna aproach him with his asnwer but i dont wanna loose him. what can i do...
Hi there!
DeleteI'm really sorry to hear what you're going through and hope that things get a whole lot better for you.
It really does seem like you might have been right for ending things with him even though it might be hard to accept that as a fact. You found numerous forms of "evidence" but despite that, if he really felt as deeply for you, he would have waited for you to at least have that week you asked for instead of "moving on so quickly" (as you put it) and still telling you that the girl makes him happy so far.
You need to think for you and your little boy so assess the whole situation and do what's best for the both of you. Sometimes it's better for a child to be with a single parent or a step parent then to witness a bad relationship. It won't be good for you too if you're with a spouse that you don't feel that you can trust to remain faithful to you.
You really need to think things through and only speak to him about everything when you're ready. If it takes more than that 1 week then so be it. Be positive that you're sure about what you want before making any decision.
Good luck!
I really hope everything works out for you and your son.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI just want to get some advice as well, I was with my ex husband for 8 yrs..we have a beautiful girl together 5 yrs old. I decided to file for divorce cuz our relationship wasnt working out anymore, I knew that I was thru with that. Our divorce got finalize..but ever since he started to get his visitation rights as the father, his been coming aroundto pick up our daughter..i feel that he holds sone kind of resentment towards me..when we have to communicate regarding our daughter, i notice some anger from him towards me..keep in mind that we been separate for 1 year already. I have a partner in my life and i couldnt be happier, he has a gf as well. But he doesnt seem happy..there's been some situations were he txt msg me out of nowhere to ask about our daughter but n between those lines he brings up our past relatiobship and sends mean stuff..my question is why have this anger and resentment towards me,? That does mean he hasnt moved on? I mean he has his gf obviously he should br happy right, and try to be civil with me but i feel that his trying to make my life impossible. Why is he acting that way towards me. I try to keep a good relationship with him because of our daughter but sometimes his behavior towards me makez it impossible. Keep in mind that we both agree on the breakup.
Hi There
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. I really hope I'll be able to help.
You are spot on with thinking that his anger and resentment towards you might mean that he hasn't completely moved on yet. You are also 100% correct in the fact that you should be being civil towards each other for the sake of your child.
I understand that you both agreed on the break-up but the fact of the matter might be that everything was not completely resolved or he has not obtained complete closure since the break-up. Maybe you're right and you both felt that it was best to move on and get a divorce but 8 years is a really long time and even though your ex-husband may be fully aware of the fact that you should have both moved on by now(seeing as you're both in new relationships as well) the thought of seeing you happy with your new partner and the three of you (you, your partner and daughter) resembling the family he used to be part of (you, him and your daughter) might stir up negative feelings within him. The fact that his feelings come across as anger and resentment might be due to the fact that he doesn't know any other way of expressing the way he feels to you. You could say that he still misses the family he used to have or how things used to be and maybe that results in him being angry at the fact that he no longer has that anymore.
He may have a new girlfriend or relationship but that doesn't mean that he's completely forgotten about the one he had with you. History means a lot and there is a big difference between a yearlong dating relationship and an 8 year long marriage even if you both agreed it wasn't working out.
The best thing to do would be to speak to him about being civil to each other or even developing a casual friendship (if that would at all be possible) for the sake of your daughter. Remind him that she was the best thing to come out of your marriage and that she means a lot to the both of you so for her sake you'd appreciate it if you could get along. You might just be pleasantly surprised at his reaction. Let him know that you understand that having any kind of relationship with you (a civil one, a friendship etc.) would be extremely hard as it is for you too due to everything you've been through with regards to the divorce but that you'd like the two of you to work together as a team to allow only positive things for your daughter.
You have nothing to lose by trying to talk to him about it. If anything things could only get a little better.
I really hope everything works out.
Good luck!
I was engaged to be married and we have been broken up for two years now and I cannot get past it. We had mutual dogs and I moved to portland for a while so he started paying my grandma monthly to watch his dogs whenever he went on shift (hes a firefighter). I moved back a couple months after we broke up and begged him back, he turned me down, said that me being with someone after him and I broke up was too much for him to handle. He has continued to bring the dogs over these whole two years and has a relationship with my grandmother. He did contact me at first but the more I pushed for a relationship, the more he pulled away and the less contact ensued. He has dated a couple people but has told me "what happened damaged me, Ill date girls casually but want nothing emotionally to do with them." Whenever I hear about him dating someone he'll deny it, saying, we've gone on dates but we're not dating. And most confusing, whenever I ask if we'll ever get back together he says "I don't know." This last time he said this a couple of weeks ago I said thats a silly answer and its unfair so he became frustrated and said "fine if youre so black and white no, right now no, its not coming back around." Ive asked him if hes just trying to spare my feelings by saying i dont know and he says no he honestly just doesnt know. I loved him very much and have a hard time letting go. I rececntly told him to stay away, that if he does not want me in his life then that should include my grandmother and myself watching the dogs (I watch them on occassion when he goes out of town.) It was too painful to see him and be reminded every couple days, I think that may be why this has drug on for so long. Any outside advice would be so greatly appreciated! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks for the comment.
I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through and really hope that things get a whole lot better really soon.
Unfortunately my reply to your post was way too long and I couldn’t get it in here. I have provided some in-depth advice for you in a new post over here
@Should I wait for my ex or move on
Please note that I've changed some of the wording to avoid duplication.
Good luck and hope this helps
GodBless!
I cannot tell you how much your comment helped me. My intuiton was telling me for a long time thats exactly what was going on. Unfortunately I already did what you told me to do....About a month ago, (like i said we had mutual dogs and my grandma was out of town for two months so I was watching them) and felt tormented the whole time, so I brought it up to him AGAIN, this about the fourth conversation we've had about getting back together and every time its basically I dont know if itll happen in the future, but not right now. This last time, he said the same thing, and I pushed him and said no, thats not a good enough answer and its not fair, so he became angry and said fine if youre so black and white then no, right now no its not coming back around. Still not a "no we wont" right....I told him I didnt believe that he was over me and he said that he felt the last time we hooked up that there was no emotional connection. Hmmm, so Im wondering why he has such a hard time saying "no we wont." My friends have said maybe its because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings but I've asked him that and he says no its genuinely because he doesnt know. Seems to me like hes just trying to keep the door open. Regardless, its hurtful, so at the end of this conversation, I told him that if he really wanted to move on that he needed to, and that I would no longer watch our dogs (even though my family and I dearly love them). And that he need not to ask my grandmother anymore either, that it was an unfair predicament that he was putting me in. You see, I felt as if he was able to have his cake and eat it too you know, able to see me, knowing I still wanted him, never having to miss me, always knowing how Im doing. So I felt that if the truth will ever come out that it will over the next few months or so when there is complete seperation. Is that right? p.s. I sent him the blog response via email that you sent me and he has not responded back. I dont know if he will...
DeleteHey!
DeleteI'm really glad that you found my reply helpful :)
You are so spot on with all you have said (the fact that he's trying to keep the door open and that you don't want him to 'have his cake and eat it too'). It is a really great decision that you made to tell him that you're willing to stop watching the dogs too (as sad as it is with regards to the dogs).
I think that you're right (again) with regards to separation doing you some good. Sometimes you need to go back to seeing what it's like without having someone in your life to realize whether or not you're better off with or without them.
Like the old sayings go: "You don't know how good something is until you lose it" and "If you love something let it go, if it comes back that's how you know that it was meant to be." Holding onto someone won't make them stay because they’re only there because you're holding onto them. By letting them go you love them enough to set them free and if they do come back then you will now that your love is really strong enough and that he really does care about you.
It might take weeks or months but you need to be strong enough to be without him. If he comes back and you're able to work things out then that is great but it needs to be all his choice. He knows how you feel about everything including the past so it's up to him to make the next step or decision.
If he decides that he doesn't want to fix things then that's okay too. You need to be strong enough to move on and know that there is someone out there for everyone.
Everything of the best!
Heyyy l had a bf and he had a gf before me and he would flirt with me alot so he asked me out then six days laterr he brakes up with me to go back with her but l don't know what to do l need help or advice plase so but he would still flirt with me so what do l do he acts like the victim l need help!
ReplyDeleteHey there
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. I hope that I will be able to help you a little.
I think that your "exboyfriend" might be being a little selfish in that he wants to be with his current girlfriend while still being able to flirt with or keep you hanging around too. That's a really horrible thing to do and puts you in a very bad position.(Please read 'friends with benefits' and 'Can exes still be friends' as I would hate for you to end up in a 'friends with benefits' situation if it's not what you'd really want.
I think the best thing would be to make known to him the fact that he's not the victim here. Tell him that the current situation is not fair or okay for any of you. If he wants to feel like it's not okay for him or that it hurts him (hence you say he's playing the victim) then that's okay but let him know that it's not fair on you or the other girl either. Tell him (in a really nice non-fighting or angry kind of way) that you like him a lot (or however you feel about him) and that you enjoyed being with him (if you did) but that you can't have him flirting with you while being with someone else because it hurts and confuses you. Tell him that he needs to make a decision on who he wants to be with; whether it's you or the other girl and that he should then stick with that decision. Let him know that you want to go on with your life whether it's as his girlfriend or not.
If he decides to be with you then that's great (if that's what you want) but if he decides to be with the other girl then you need to be okay with that too. Fortunately you weren’t with him for a really long time so you don't have to feel like you've invested too much time in the relationship.
Remember, there is someone for everyone out there and if this is not the guy for you then there are definitely other better guys around that will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Good luck!
We were together for two months and have been separated for about a week now, and he has been in contact with me ever since the break up. For the record, he broke up with me as he didn't feel ready for a relationship and I dont think I was quite ready either...I took the breakup very badly, as I think I liked him more than he liked me..But when he broke up with me, he told me he still wanted to be friends.
ReplyDeleteBut all this has happened:
After he broke up with me, he told me he was guna come down and keep me company the next day. When he did, we were really happy...Im not sure if maybe we were acting happy, but we never had a day like that in ages. We were laughing and joking, and he was teasing me all day.
We even played around in the garden laughing constantly. We had food and watched a film, had some nice chit chats. And he ended up staying over for the night, which I didn't expect. (in separate beds).
He had also mentioned that he wanted to go to the cinema, but i didnt give a definite answer.
Later on the next day he text me. He knew I had plans for the day, so he checked to see if I was back home and then said "im still going to the cinema, if you wanted company, thought id ask x"
We ended up going, and again we were flirty, joked about stuff which was similar stuff we did when we were together. I literally felt like I was in a relationship with him again, except we didn't touch.
When he dropped me off home he said: "I best not come in im too tired" even though i never did ask him inside. So I thanked him and he said "no worries, got you out the house" we then just smiled at each other romantically for a bit. And then he said "ill text you tomorrow" and waited for me to get inside before he drove off.
He kept his word and has been texting me all week every evening, like an excuse to say goodnight. He told me again that he wanted to come down to keep me company (my family are currently away) but he was unwell. But still had the courage to say so. But even in the texting we flirt a bit.
I know he has remained friends with most of his exs, but all this doesn't seem the "friendly way".
Is this a sign he misses me, or maybe a chance we can start over? I do like him very much.
Hey there!
DeleteThanks for commenting :)
You really do seem to be in a very hard to read situation.
The actions of your "ex" do show that he still wants to be in your life desperately and still cares about you a lot. Whether as a friend or as a girlfriend is the thing that is probably the hardest to figure out.
I'm not sure if you were friends before you started dating as if you were it could probably be a whole lot easier going back to 'just being friends' again.
The fact that you don't touch or kiss sort of eliminates or at least decreases the chances that he might want to be in a 'friends with benefits' kind of relationship with you - allowing him to be with you while being with other people too as he isn't officially in any kind of relationship with you.
In my opinion it seems like he still has feelings for you and maybe feels like things were moving a little too fast while being in a relationship with you. I don't know if you fought a lot while you were together, had sort of a clingy relationship or anything similar that could have caused him to feel like a relationship was too much for him to bear. Like you said you had a lot of fun together after the break up (the 'date', the teasing, the laughing, etc.). Maybe this wasn't always the case while you were in the relationship and somehow things feel a little more relaxed when you’re not officially a couple.
Relationships aren't all about the intimacy (kissing, etc.) and are mostly based on a deep friendship where you enjoy each other’s company, enjoy contact with each other and just want to be with each other all the time. Intimacy should be an added extra. The point I'm trying to make with this is that the fact that the two of you can be so close (flirting included) without touching or kissing demonstrates the closeness of your relationship. Emotional connections are somehow deeper than physical ones (it is due to this that emotional affairs are somehow viewed in many instances as being a lot more meaningful and deeper than physical ones).
There is no sure way to guess how your ex might be feeling right now and the best way to find out would be to ask him. You're already on the right track with being happy together (almost like nothing happened) all that's left to do is talk to him. He is the only one that would tell you where he's mind is and where he sees his future going.
You don't need to rush into asking him right now as the break-up is still fresh but if he doesn't tell you anytime soon it is best to ask him yourself.
You really shouldn't question him in an interrogating kind of way but seeing that you seem to be getting on so well at the moment incorporate it into one of your conversations the next time you're just hanging out. Casually say something like "So what do you think is happening with us", "Do you see us ever getting back together again, honestly" or “Where do we go from here?".
Allow him to tell you what's on his mind and how he feels and if you feel like you need a little more clarity on his answers don't be afraid to ask.
It's you're right to know where things stand because this affects your life as much as it affects his.
Hope this helps.
Everything of the best!
So i was dating my ex for 3 years... We even lived together for like a month for various reasons... After that time she broke up with me saying she had too many problems and that kind of stuff, we passed throught many problems togethe in our relationshipr... Even distance for a year and we where together and strong as usual, after a while i talked to her and she told me she kind of liked a guy she doesnt even talks with a couple of days ago i talked to her and she said im not the same i used to be and that she just doesnt like me anymore and that i limited her creativity(she is a artist), i messed up by not givin her space after we broke up... Its been almost two months since we broke up and right now she seems to be just mad at me because of this reason, i really want to be back together with her, she even suggested a friendship but she told me no second intentions and that she doesnt want to hurt me, i truly need help with this i do want to get back i feel there is still hope it can be little but there is, she said to me she still keeps what i gave her...and today she posted a pic with something i gave her and well the last thing i said to her was that, i could not be friends with her because my feelings where too strong and that i needed to keep moving on that maybe our break up was for the best and gave her thanks for everything, she is also really proud, and i know for certain that if we see each other, we would enjoy a good talk even under this circumstances we still could handle a good talk sometimes... Help please i know i want her in my life more than anything and by the way i have been her only boyfriend
ReplyDeleteHey!
DeleteThanks a lot for your comment. I really hope that I’ll be able to help you.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this with your ex at the moment and sincerely hope that everything gets sorted out sooner than later.
I’m not sure if you’re saying that she told you she likes someone else when you last spoke about everything but if that is the case then that’s likely to be the reason why she might not be keen to fix things with you. Sometimes when people develop interest in someone else they find little excuses or problems with their current relationship in order to try and pursue a new one.
The fact that she suggested you be friends might be due to the fact that she still wants to have you in her life despite the fact that you’re not together anymore. If you feel that you’re feelings for her are still strong and that you wouldn’t be able to be friends with her because of this then it’s great that you told her that. It would be unfair of her to be selfish in wanting to be friends with you when you’d like to be more then friends with her.
If there is someone else involved things could be a whole lot more complicated (as mentioned above) and you need to be careful in order to make sure that you don’t end up in a friends with benefits situation if that is not what you want.
If there is no-one else involved then things could be easier to understand. It’s important to know that a relationship cannot in anyway work if one person wants it to work and wants to fix things and the other doesn’t. You might still see hope in your relationship but if after two months she still doesn’t then there isn’t much you can do.
The best thing I could suggest for you is to write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel and that you still see hope for the two of you:
• A letter allows you to say how you feel without being interrupted
• You can tell her all your feelings without feeling nervous or forgetting something you might want to say
• You don’t need to worry about getting emotional or stumbling over your words
• You will have her complete attention as soon as she starts reading the letter.
When you write your letter, be sure to include the following:
• Start off by thanking her for everything: being a part of your life, the past 3 years, etc. (like you did before).
• Tell her how you feel about her: that you love her, miss her, feel like a part of you is missing, etc.
• Let her know that you can’t help it: tell her that you know that she ended things but you can’t help how you feel about her and how much you care.
• Tell her that you need her to tell you how she feels: does she still have feelings for you, has she moved on, is she over the relationship. Let her know that she needs to be completely honest with you no matter what.
• Tell her that you will accept her decision: Tell her that if she can tell you that she’s over the relationship or has moved on that you will accept it right there and then and that you will move on no matter how hard it is. Let her know that you can’t be friends with her because of your feelings for her and that you need her to understand that but you will move on if that’s what she wants because you love her enough to want her to be happy.
• Accept her decision and move on – whether it is with her or without her.
I really hope that this helps you a bit and that things are sorted out soon. Remember, even if you don’t end up with this girl there is someone out there for everyone. Never give up on love. If she has moved on then you should do the same (for your own good). If she feels the same as you do and wants to fix things then that’s awesome. If you both want this relationship badly enough you can work on it, fix it and grow it into something perfect.
Good luck!
I dated this guy off and on for almost two years, he's ten years younger than me. Three months back he broke up with me saying he doesn't have that romantic feelings for me any more. At the time of our breakup, he said a lot of mean things to me like his family doesn't like me, I took of advantage of him spending money on me by taking me out to movies, dinners, etc. Just to make me happy....which is untrue, every time he asked me what we should do I usually tell him to save his money. He said a lot of mean stuff to me and it really hurt my feelings. Then a month later, I heard he was badmouthing me at work to his frens and co-workers. I was hurt again, I totally did nothing wrong to him, he was the one that broke it off with me. I tried to best girlfriend to him and pleased him on everything he wanted just to make me happy. I'm going through a lot now, mostly every day my self esteem is going down. I've lost my father months back, lost my job during time my father passed on. On top of it, he broke it off with me. I'm lost and confused....I hold no grudges against him. I forgive him on what he has said. I feel lost, sad, and lonely.
ReplyDeleteHey!
DeleteThanks so much for sharing your story. I’m really sorry that you’re currently finding yourself in this situation. I really do hope that everything gets a whole lot better for you really soon.
Please read 'Feeling like giving up songs'. Hopefully this will help you feel a little better.
I’m really sorry to hear about your father and hope that you are doing okay.
Please know that everything always works out in the end. I know it might seem really hard to try and see this right now but please try and keep your mind on the fact that everything happens for a reason. Try and remain positive and know that you’re going to be okay in the end.
Don’t let the actions of others (such as your ex) affect your self-esteem or bring your self-esteem down. Keep looking up. Use everyone that has affected you negatively as stepping stones to get you to rise above everything you’re going through. Tell yourself that you have to do well in life to prove to them how wrong they were or to come out above them.
You can do it. Keep your head up and please don’t give up.
Everything of the best!
God Bless
Great article but i have a question my ex broke uo with me telling not to call or text aftr a week she blocked me from facebook we were nit even friends on facebook then i did nothing i justwrote an appology letter then again a week later she removed me from skype is she angry with me? Cause i did not try to contact with her and funny thong was i sent a hppy birthday text and she replied so fast. This was before the skype remova. Is she trying to move on or fight wiyh her feelings?
ReplyDeleteHey lonestargee
DeleteThanks for commenting.
I’m not sure how long it’s been since the break-up or the reason for the break-up and all of this stuff might be contributing towards your ex’s behaviour.
It’s very possible that your ex might still have feelings for you because depending on how long you were together, how well you know each other or the depth of your relationship; feelings don’t just disappear or go away. This could probably be the reason why she replied your birthday message. The fact that you remembered her birthday or contacted her on it possibly made her happy in a sense that it was a very important day for her and she was happy to know that you still cared about that.
With regards to Facebook and the fact that she blocked you; this could have been done (or is often done) due to the fact that there might be some stuff on her Facebook that she doesn’t want you to see. It could be that she doesn’t want you to see her statuses (if her profile isn’t security hidden then even if you’re not friends on Facebook you might still be able to see this) or pics especially if they might involve you or other people. I can’t tell you exactly why her reasons for this might be.
I think that your ex probably needs some time to get over everything. Like I said, I don’t know why you broke up but if you hurt her really badly she could be still dealing with her feelings. If this is what you mean by “Is she trying to move on or fight with her feelings” then yes – she probably is trying to deal with her feelings at the moment.
The best advice I could give you is to give her some time. Allow her to deal with her feelings and decide what she wants. The fact you sent her an apology letter must mean that you felt that you had something to apologize for. The apology you sent her allowed her to know that you are sorry and so she is aware of that. You need to let her think about and deal with everything. If the break-up is still fresh she will need some time to deal with her feelings. If you think it might help, call her and tell her that you will be giving her her space and that you won't be contacting her like she asked. Also let her know that if she ever needs you or wants to speak to you she can call you and you'll be there for her because you never stopped caring.
If she feels that she needs to move on then allow her to make that decision. You need to accept her decision no matter what. If she chooses to give you and your relationship another chance then she will contact you. No matter how hard it is you need to stop yourself from calling, texting or in anyway contacting her (just like she asked).I know that you said that you’ve tried to not make any contact but you need to stick to that.
Sometimes it’s a case of ‘you don’t know how good something is until you lose it’. Sometimes you need to trust in the saying that ‘If someone is meant for you, you will find your way back to each other.’
If she chooses to move on you need to too. There is someone out there for everyone and if she isn’t the one for you trust me – someone out there is.
Good luck!
Wonderful article!
ReplyDeleteMy ex fiance broke up with me about 4 months ago. Now recently, I get the feeling that she may be warming up to me again. But I am not completely sure. I have been out on a few dates within the last month or so, and my ex knew about it (I don't play games and she found out from a mutual person, I wasn't trying to make her jealous). When she found out I went on a few dates, she tried to make me jealous intentionally. I recently messaged my ex about two weeks ago to see if she wanted to meet up to catch up. She said yes right away. We sat down and caught up for a couple hours, and from what I could tell she is definitely interested. The signs I picked up on were:
1. Body language. Her body language was very open and receptive. It was like playing simon says with her. If I motioned a certain way, she would too, every single time. To me, that is a huge indicator.
2. I apologized for stuff that I did wrong during the relationship. She started crying when I aplogized.
3. She kept telling me ways she has been improving her self and her life. Especially the things that bothered me the most.
4. She told me she checks my facebook all the time.
5. She kept asking me about my love life and if i am dating anybody, she made it a point to tell me nobody is special in her life right now. She also keeps asking mutual friends about me.
6. Sending me random text messages and picture messages.
This is all that I have to go off of right now. I thought things went so well on friday that I called her on tuesday (two days ago) and said to her:
Me: Do you have plans this friday?
her: I think I do but I can't really remember, why whats going on?
Me: I'm coming to pick you up at 6:45
her: for what?
me: it's a surprise
her: I haven't seen you in 4 months, you can't just say you are going to come pick me up.
me: We are going to have a great time I promise, just cancel whatever you have going on
her: I don't know if I can do that, but we'll see, I'll let you know
She replied back and said she cant make it today. I told her I wanted to take her to the orchestra, and she replied with why? She says you picked an odd time four months after we break up. Then she eventually says If we are going to be friends, we have to start off small.. I just left it at there. I think she is confused about what she wants or is just playing games.
So this is where I am at. Is this enough information to start pursuing things again? I plan to pursue it again with alittle encouragement. I am just so torn as I want her back more then anything, but I feel like she is being hot and cold with me. If she was completely over with me shouldnt she just not keep in contact with me? I just don't get it.. Thanks!
Hi there
DeleteThanks so much for the very informative comment.
You really have hit nail on the head with ALL the signs you picked up on and I really do understand why you interpreted them all the way that you did.
I think that if everything you said with regards to your 'catch up session' was accurate (meaning everything that happened with what she said about Facebook, her love life, asking if you're with anyone, etc.) then she definitely does still have feelings for you.
With regards to her behaviour when it comes to the conversation you had on Tuesday and her telling you she couldn't make it, you need to be aware of the fact that there is always the 'exception to the rule' which would make all your signs null and void but I highly doubt that this is the case.
I think that the hardest thing to interpret with regards to everything is your ex saying ' If we are going to be friends, we have to start off small...’ This could be her saying that she ONLY wants to be friends or that she wants to START OFF as friends. I don't know what went wrong in your previous relationship but it might be a case of her feeling like she wants to start things off slowly if you are to get back together again.
I don't think that she seriously wants to be ONLY friends especially with regards to her interest in your love life and telling you about hers. I think that she probably just wants you to know that she doesn't want to rush into anything and maybe if the ending of the last relationship was mostly due to your actions or something you did wrong (hence you were apologizing) maybe she feels like she wants you to "work for a second chance" (for lack of better wording) and in a way see how much you want her back by how patient you are with her.
Maybe instead of calling her and telling her exactly when you should meet (with regards to the surprise you planned for her) you should have called her telling her what a great time you had catching up with her and tried to find out how she felt about it, then asked her if she wanted to do it again sometime soon. From there maybe you could have both decided on a suitable date and taken things from there. I know telling her would have ruined the surprise but maybe asking her if she'd come with you would have been just as romantic; It could have almost been like asking her on a first date all over again and that's what it seems like she could be meaning by starting slow.
I think you're on the right track with regards to your ex and with reading all the signs she gives you. That's really awesome. I don't think you should give up on her or the idea of your relationship just yet. Hang on in there and keep doing what you're doing. Remember 'Baby Steps' and taking things slowly and you could be back together sooner than you think.
Good luck!!!
for the pass few months she had been ignoring me, i been sending letters,txt and she never reply back, the last letter i had sent her, was telling her how i feel about us and the break up,i told her i accept the breakup, and ask her if she nolonger want me around, i said if you no longer want me around then reply back,,then ill stop contacting you,ijust wantto start fresh if i lose you i dont want to lose my friend so can we be friends... itold her i feel really sad that how we both no each other and shard feelings it hurts me to kno she no longer want me around (i request her on facebook from two months ago, after a few minutes i send that to her message she added me on facebook couple of days later i txt her to see how she was doing , she sent me a few words back , like yes and no that was all just answering my questions, so i let it go for a few more days i had ask her if she would hang out with on a sunday go for lunch she reply maybe i said ok after two hours she txt me back saying if we can still go do that so we when for lunch talk not much about us went to the beach and walked around i ask her if she still care she said yes i always did, i ask how do u feel a bout us she said she dont feel any thing, she said she was tired of all the thing i did sayin things and never keep my words, well i really changed for once i really mean it, but anywas while we we're walking i ask if she really toss my valentine card away i ask cause i never do thing for any one and she was my first real valentine, she looked away and smile and said no i never threw it away i said i did cause i was mad, so i was happy that she didnt, and i know it was to soon but iask if she think shell get the feeling back shesaid maybe not so i accept it i feel that she really cares but over it , what should ido? i want to prove to her the man i am now idated her when we we're 16-17 theni moved and nver had any contact for over nine years then one day i seend her at a bar while she was leaving and i said is that really u haha she smiled and i gave hermy number then it was fire works ever time we meet new people r just whenthey ask how we know eachother or how we meet , the look of her face glow she would get excited likei am just to tell em how we meet agian....she said the relation was that bad but she was tried of all the word i say andnver kept i had alotof stress and i spread itout andi feel that i really effect out relationship she was always there forme, how to win her back , i would love to have my life with her trough the time i havent seen her for nine years i had been looking for her i dated but she was alway the one i really search for..
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks for the comment.
I think you're ex might feel that she already gave you too many chances and is afraid that she might get hurt. There is nothing you can do to MAKE HER want the relationship again or give you or the relationship another chance.
The best advice that I could give you is to be friends with her. I know that this might not sound exactly like what you want but you did say that you didn't want to lose her friendship.
She seems like she's very open to spending time with you (including the fact that she went with you to the beach and lunch, etc.). It seems like she really doesn't want to lose you either.
You need to concentrate on being a friend to her because it will allow you to spend more time with her! The more time you get to spend with her the better the chances are that you can SHOW her that you've changed. She doesn't need to hear you say you've chanced because she's heard that too many times before. She needs to see it now.
Be a friend to her, go on more 'dates' or lunches as friends and spend as much time together as possible. Be fun to be around and allow her to see how much fun you have together - DON'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE (FOR NOW).
If she gets to see how different and grown you are she might be more open to the idea of giving you another chance. Give her time and be there for her.
Please read:
How to show someone you've changed
Tips to finding out how someone feels about you
Please monitor your timing with regards to bringing up the relationship or how she feels about it again. Try and wait as long as you possibly can and maybe she will bring it up herself.
You need to be open-minded: everything could go well and after spending some time together as friends she might become more likely to give you another chance with regards to the relationship or she could be completely fine with JUST being friends. You need to be okay with whatever happens.
Good luck!
I really hope that everything works out well for you
I guess some of the things in my situation fit what you're talking about, but I still think she has feelings for me. We broke up in March of this year (three year, very close relationship) and she started dating someone in May. She wanted to remain friends after we broke up and even after she continued to date this guy. Now they're "official" and she still wants to be friends. She will text me or call me maybe once or twice a week and sometimes she would like to hang out (grab lunch or whatever).
ReplyDeleteOur break up wasn't bad. No fighting at all. A few months ago, I thought I could win her back, but that did not work out. I can understand that she is not "in love" with me anymore, but I do believe she has a soft spot for me. Perhaps buried under all of the feelings she has towards her new boyfriend, she still cares for me, and not like a typical friend.
I've asked over a dozen people (men and women) why a girl would want to remain "friends" with her ex-boyfriend, even after being in a new relationship. They all say the same thing: The fallback guy, the back-up boyfriend. She enjoys the attention and she likes having options in case this new guy doesn't work out. People have said that there are always hidden motives when an ex-lover would like to be friends right after a relationship. If we didn't talk for several years and then she called me out of the blue, being legitimate friends would be more believable. She cares for me, but I'm not her #1 anymore. Selfish? Immature? Maybe, I'm not judging. To be honest, I still would like to be with her. After I told her I missed her and she said she was invested in someone else, I instantly stopped trying. Sure, I want to be with her, but it's not going to happen anytime soon. I'm actually dating a new girl now and enjoying it.
In her mind, we're friends. We're friends on facebook, as well. I respond to her calls and texts, but I keep my responses very brief. I'll never initiate any contact, though. If she wants to hang out, I'll tend to give an excuse and say "I'm busy". I'm remaining friendly to her, but I'm distant. I believe that she wants to keep the lines of communication open to see what I'm up to and make sure that I'm an option for her. Maybe I should be mad at her for that, but I can't if I still would actually like to be. Definitely not waiting around, though. That would be stupid of me.
Thoughts? Advice? Think I'm right/wrong?
Hello!
DeleteThanks for the very informative comment.
You make some very valid points in your comment especially with regards to why she’d like to remain friends with you. Obviously she has a “hidden motive” as you put it, right? What if her motive isn’t what you think it is though?
You might be right and maybe she had this major plan that when she broke up with you she was going to remain friends with you and keep contact with you so that she could have you around and know what was going on in your life as a back-up plan in case she couldn’t find anyone better (if that’s how you see it) but what if that wasn’t the plan? Sometimes people don’t just plan life – it happens.
I don’t know why you broke up or who initiated it (you can say it was a mutual decision BUT someone had to initiate it) but it could honestly be a case of her wanting to remain friends with you because she really just wanted to have you in her life still. Yes this probably does still mean she has feelings for you to a certain extent (like you said she has a soft spot for you although she might not be in love with you) but maybe she understands the fact that you’re not together or that circumstances won’t let you be together (depending on your differences or the reason why you broke up).
She could be making contact, keeping you around and hanging out with you because she still cares about you, feels comfortable with you and finds a sense of familiarity in you (you were together for 3 years after all).
In my opinion I don’t necessarily think you should be mad at her seeing as you’re voluntarily remaining friends with her. Considering all you’ve said in your comment, she hasn’t led you on, made you any promises or said anything that might insinuate that she was trying to use you or string you along. When you asked her initially she told you she was with someone else and didn’t try and keep you in the dark or anything either.
On the contrary my advice to you would be to figure out what your relationship with your current girlfriend (the one you said you’re dating and ‘enjoying it’) is. First you said “Sure, I want to be with her, but it's not going to happen anytime soon.” And then you said “I'm actually dating a new girl now and enjoying it.” That sort of says that you might be using or stringing along the girl your currently with almost in a way as if to keep you busy until your ex realizes she wants to be with you again. I think you’re kind of in a rebound relationship at the moment. Do you think this is fair on the new girl?
I honestly think that if you don’t feel comfortable being friends with your ex (maybe you feel like your feelings towards her are too strong or that she might not be being honest with you or maybe using you in a way) then be honest with her instead of feeling pressured to make excuses. Tell her that you don’t think that you can be friends with her anymore and why. You might be pleasantly surprised at her reaction to your honesty.
Your ex might realize while being friends with you that she actually wants you back in her life as a boyfriend but that is not guaranteed and I definitely don’t think it’s planned.
Sometimes you need to loose someone as a romantic partner and gain them as a friend to realize that you need them as a romantic partner again.
Good luck!
Thanks for the reply, Jade. It is much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is totally possible that she could just want to legitimately be friends. She was my first serious girlfriend, so when she told me she wanted to be friends, I was very confused. The situation is new to me. I asked a number of people and the "backup plan" is what most of them told me, so I went along with it. It seems believable to me.
It was her who initiated the break up. "Something" happened and she said under the circumstances, we can't be together. That "something" wasn't a fight, or one of us cheating on another, it was nothing bad like that. People have told me that she just used it as an excuse to avoid telling me the real reason to initiate a break up, but I'm not so sure. Maybe because I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she would tell me what's on her mind, rather than keeping something a secret. I say it was "mutual" because I didn't put up much of a fight to stay together. I thought that under the circumstances of what happened, there wasn't much I could do.
You're right: She hasn't led me on or made any promises that we would be together in the future. So I don't feel anger towards her in that regard. If she did take advantage of me and lead me on, then I would be a bit angry and probably stop talking to her.
I'm sorry, I should have been more specific. Let me rephrase that. "Sure, I want to be with her, but I have no idea if that will ever happen". As far as I know, she is happy with her new boyfriend, and I don't see their relationship ending anytime soon. What I'm telling myself is that, "if it happens, it happens". Just like how you said that sometimes life isn't planned, it just happens. I agree. Even though I miss her, I'm not planning on being with her because I don't see it happening. I'm not certain she will come back to me if her relationship doesn't work out (though that's what some people have told me in this type of situation). Only time will tell. Maybe my feelings would change by then, anyway.
Well, my relationship with the new girl is not much of a relationship. Haha we've only been on three dates. I've enjoyed those three dates and we have another coming up, but we haven't even talked about being exclusive yet (I'm not dating other people; I don't know if she is, though). I am taking it slow with her because I don't want to end up in a rebound relationship. I want to make sure that I like her. I went out with a girl before this one and I had no desire to go on another date with her, so I'm really trying to find a girl that's right for me, not just to keep myself busy.
The reason I find it difficult to be friends with her is because I do have feelings for her. When I say that I think she wants to keep me around as an option, I don't necessarily see it as her using me (maybe I'm naive). I'm just trying to give myself time. None of us can predict what will happen, so I'm just trying to keep upbeat.
I hope that clears things up. Any other insight would be great. Thanks again, Jade.
Hi again :)
DeleteI can completely understand why the 'backup plan' idea might seem to make a lot of sense to you – It might still be the case. Please just remember that (like I explained in my previous message) there is always the exception to the rule.
I really do understand how you feel and can see why you might feel so confused or unsure of what to do.
You seem to be 100% on the right track though. I’m really glad that you’re taking things slow with the new girl and trying to find someone who’s right for you at your own pace. That’s great. You really should keep on doing what you’re doing.
My advice to you would be (like I’ve said) keep doing what you’re doing; go on dates when you feel like it, have fun (like you have been with the new girl) and take things slow.
With regards to your ex, if you really feel that due to your feelings for her being friends is too hard then please do tell her. It would be completely selfish of her to expect you to be friends with her because it fits in with her life and makes her feel better (like even though she broke up with you she still has a piece of you) although it’s extremely hard for you.
If she is worth the feelings you still have for her she will take your feelings into consideration and try and come up with a solution that would be well suited to the both of you instead of one sided to her benefit.
You’re right with wanting to give yourself time; time heals all wounds. If you feel like you can manage a friendship with her then see it as merely a friendship and try and allow your feelings for her to take a bit of a backseat (if that is at all possible). Have faith in the saying – whatever’s meant to be will be & if you love someone set them free – if they return they were meant for you, if not; they weren’t.
Keep up with the upbeat attitude. It can only do you good.
Everything of the best!!! Please feel free to post up an update whenever you like :)
I talked to my ex a couple of days ago. We met for coffee and we talked for over an hour. We were just catching up like friends. As we were leaving, I walked her to her car and explained the situation. I could tell that I caught her by surprise because she thought everything was ok between us.
DeleteI told her that we shouldn't be talking anymore. I told her I still have feelings for her and that being friends is something that isn't working right now. I also told her that I think she still has some leftover feelings for me, even though she's in a new relationship. She didn't deny it, but she didn't admit it, either. I said this several times throughout the conversation and the last time I said it, she said that she does value me more than a friend. I said that we both need time apart (no contact, not even facebook friends) from each other. After time passes, we can then ask ourselves if we miss each other and then friendship may be a possibility.
She was very persistent on saying that she was fine with how everything is right now and that she doesn't need time to figure out if she wants to be friends or not. She's really into her new guy. Much more than she was into me. I had to ask, "why". It was because he's more available and they constantly see each other, which is pretty much the same reason why she ended it with me. I confronted her and said that she wanted to end it with me because I was so focused on school and that I wasn't always available to her. She admitted that it was "half" of it, and the "other half" was the original reason why she wanted to end it. She did say she was "sad" about us not talking, but she's the one who dumped me and found a new boyfriend, so I don't get why she's so sad.
A while ago, we had some plans to do things and she said that her boyfriend was a little upset by them, but he got over it. I told her that he's just being nice. Of course he cares that we hang out. So I said it's not good for her, her boyfriend, or her new relationship that we are still talking to each other. I said I'm dating girls and she said she was "happy for me", but also said that she didn't want to get in the way of any relationship I get into.
I guess my comment was too long for one response.
DeleteI tried to be as genuine and sincere as possible. Part of me says that if/when I completely get over her, then we can probably have a legitimate friendship. The other part of me still has feelings for her and wants to be with her. She admitted her mistakes she made in the relationship and I told her I forgave her. I've told a few people and they say the same thing: She's needy and immature, which is a big reason why she jumped into a new relationship so quickly after me. She constantly needs to be in a relationship, which is another reason why people are saying she wants me around as the "back-up guy". She said she doesn't talk to her ex-boyfriends before me, but really wants me in her life. I told her she doesn’t have to wait to be single to contact me or that she doesn’t necessarily have to wait for me to contact her, but she really needs to give it some time and thought to see if she truly misses me and wants to be friends. I think I might have scared her away a little bit.
For all of the reasons I have to dislike her as a person (hiding things from me, breaking up with me for a stupid, selfish reason, etc...) I don't. I don't know why. I'm convinced she won't leave him for me, but with what I know now, I believe that she will try to rekindle something between us if her new relationship doesn't work out. I could be wrong, but I left it on the best note as possible, and she knows that I was always good to her. I can't be bothered to keep pondering about it, though. I'm not going to wait. We'll just have to see where time takes us.
Lastly, the new girl didn't work out. She cancelled the next few dates. I heard from her once, but she never responded. I don't know what went wrong, but it was only three dates with her. Not a big deal.
Hey Blake!
DeleteGreat hearing from you again :)
I’m really glad that you managed to tell your ex exactly how you feel especially with regards to the fact that you have difficulty being friends due to your feelings for her.
The fact that she flat out told you that she’s more into her current boyfriend than she was you should be a sure sign that focussing so much attention and time on her as you have been might not be the best thing for you.
I understand that she still has feelings for you and values you more than just a friend but understand that it’s not enough for her to get back together with you.
I get that she want’s to have you in her life and keep contact with you but I think that her telling you that she’s happy with the way things is even though you explained how you feel (and that being friends right now doesn’t work for you) is extremely selfish of her. She’d like to have the best of both worlds by having you in her life and keeping her current boyfriend and she expects you to just go with whatever she wants no matter how you may feel about it.
Yes you’re right, she probably won’t leave her current boyfriend for you and yes maybe she would run back to you if things didn’t work out between them but is that what you really want? It really does sound like you content with that but is that seriously what you want?
Do you seriously want to be that guy sitting around waiting for something to go wrong in her relationship and hoping to be the guy she falls back on as a 'plan B' if that’s what happens?
What if it takes years?
Don’t you think you deserve better?
I do! I think you deserve way better and you should put yourself first!
I really think you should try and move on from this relationship. You told her how you feel about her; she knows that you still have feelings for her. If she wants you back in her life – trust me she will find a way to get you back there. If she wants to be with you she will leave the guy she’s currently with and be with you. You don’t need to be the 'plan B'. You deserve to be with someone who will make you their plan A and until she can do that you don’t need to be with her.
I know that moving on will be hard but it’s something that you need to do. If you’re meant to be together please trust me – you will be.
You need to try and put your ex out of your mind and move forward.
With regards to the new girl; finding someone you’re compatible with and who will stick (whether for a while or forever) is not always easy. Many first dates don’t make it to second ones and many second dates don’t make it to third ones but the aim is to go out there and have fun.
Going on dates with different people whenever you feel the need to will allow you to get to know lots of different people and will also allow you to get your mind off your ex gradually.
I really hope everything gets better.
Please PUT YOURSELF FIRST! YOU MATTER MOST. Don’t ever forget that.
As the saying goes - Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in there’s.
Good luck Blake!
Yeah, I always told myself, “if she wanted to be with me, she would be with me.” I explained to her that even though we’ve been apart for a while, we’ve been talking and “there”. Now that I said we need to cut communication, I won’t be “there”, and she can reflect on whether she actually wants me in her life. It’s still very weird to me that she has replaced me and wants me around.
DeleteAs far as her running back to me if her new thing didn’t work out, I’m assuming I will feel differently over time. Right now, as much as I don’t want to be the ‘plan B’, I would take her back, but that’s just this moment. I would think that as time passes, I won’t care as much anymore. I’m assuming (and hoping haha) that I will lose all interest in her in time. This is part of the reason why I cut it off with her. With no contact from her at all, it will help me move on.
I completely agree with the “if you love something, set it free” idea, just as long as there is no sitting around and waiting involved. As you said, it could take years. Who knows how long they will be together?
Thanks again, Jade. It’s appreciated.
Hey Blake!
DeleteI understand fully how you feel. WE’VE ALL been through break-ups and we’ve all been in love. You’re right, time might change how you feel. Time is the only thing that heals all wounds (time and sometimes true love coming just when you need it most).
When you really love someone as time passes you won’t stop loving them. Time can’t erase love but it can change it and sometimes fade it a little. With time you might get to understand things a little better and your love for her might fade or change a little but you’ll still love her.
You’re spot on – waiting is never meant to be part of the deal especially when it’s indefinite.
Keep well Blake and thanks for the feedback :)
Hi. me and my ex were together for two years, lived together and got engaged, the lot. she honestly loved my more than I have ever felt before, she would tell me she craved my love and ask me to be more loving with her, she told me she now realises what love is and that she knows she's never been inlove before after how she feels about me (just trying to explain that I really was the love of her life) unfortunately I did things, I drank too much, got stressed a lot (for no reason) wasn't loving enough and I pushes her away, to the point she said she started to fall out of love with me. she told me a fee times and I took no notice, I should have. we broke up and I left 3weeks ago. the second day of the split she phoned me crying because her pillow still smelled of me, but now, nothing. I have begged, pleased, promised changes, tried no contact (which I broke) and she just don't want me back. she says she's happy, she can go out, have fun, and all that. she says she dont love me anymore and that she wants to be friends one day. also she's been out twice on a date with some guy already. I again asked for another chance yesterday and she said no, it wouldn't work and I should have changed sooner. she said she does miss me and that she honestly thinks she will love me forever, but not in the way that she needs me, not anymore. I asked her to block me on fb so I couldn't pester her anymore and she did. she wished me well then blocked me. I can't tell you how heartbroken I am, I love her with all me heart and truly have changed, but she won't give me another chance. do you think that's it now, forever? because I honestly don't think she will ever love another like she did me. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm in pieces.
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting.
I'm really sorry about the way everything has turned out and is going with you and your ex. unfortunately it seems very much like a case of ' You don't know how good something is until you lose it.'
It's really sad but it seems like your ex might be emotionally drained from all the effort she put into the relationship without getting the same dedication and commitment from you. It's really sad that you've changed a little too late (as she put it).
My best advice to you would be to give your ex some time. It really is the least you can do. Been broken up for a month is still a relatively fresh break-up and constantly trying to get your ex to take you back obviously isn't working.
The best thing to do is to give her some time to heal. Allow her to be without you for a bit. I don't doubt for one second that she doesn't love you as much as you say she does but she was obviously hurt and only time can heal.
They say if you love someone to let them go. Only fate can bring you back together. If you're meant to be together she will contact you (whether about being friends or about getting back together), if she doesn't then you weren’t meant to be together and you need to accept it.
Use this past relationship as a means of learning for you. Learn from all the mistakes you made in this relationship and don't ever repeat them whether you get back together with your ex or end up with someone else.
I really wish you everything of the best and hope that everything goes well for you sooner then you know.
Good luck!
Thankyou for your reply, and advice. I do feel that this is it now for us, I mean if she wanted me back she would have. she did love me with all her heart, and now I just know that she doesn't, because she has told me. suppose I'm just holding on to the love that was there but now isn't. I know that isn't healthy and I know I have to move on, it's just hard because of the love we once shared is still there for me, but not for her. how can you love someone so much, and then not anymore? if she fell for me despite all of my wrongdoing than I know she would love me again with all of those things gone, but she won't give me another chance. she told me she does not know why she loves me so much and that I will always be a mystery to her (the day I left) that must mean something? that she loved me but couldn't tell me why? like, I was meant for her. I dont know, maybe she just don't love me at all anymore, but after two years I just don't know how that can happen. I know I have to move on but I can't help but feel that we are meant to be. I won't contact her again (she's blocked me on fb anyway so I can't) maybe she will miss the good times one-day and forget the bad times. just hope by then, it isn't too late. thanks again.
ReplyDeleteHi again
DeleteI’m really sorry that things aren’t working out but hope that you remain positive and keep looking up. Trust that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be perfect in the end (whether you manage to fix things with this girl or end up with someone else).
Healing from the ending of a long-term relationship can be extremely hard and you’re right – love doesn’t just go away. When you truly love someone it’s something that’s forever.
Only time can heal and only time can tell what will happen. Just remain positive and concentrate your energy and focus on something else. If there’s a sport you enjoy doing or a hobby (gym, art, etc) do more of this and / or spend a little more time with your friends.
Get your mind off of your ex as much as you can.
Please also read how to get over and ex and how to move on
Good luck & God Bless
My ex broke things off and moved away 2 months ago. I respected her decision but missed her. She contacted me a month later to say that she missed me. We then had a face to face where I spilled all my feelings, without begging, and agreed that the breakup was for the best but still think we can work it out. She doesnt agree so I recommend deleting my phone #, until we both heal. I get home and see this text:
ReplyDeleteI am soooo sorry for texting you. I know this is exactly why you wanted me to delete your phone number(which I did) but the number was still in my phone. For the same reason you needed to tell me I need to tell you too. I can't stop crying since you left. I do love you very much (still) I can't believe the miscommunication that ruined everything it seems so silly now and I really hope I didn't make a big mistake. I just really need you to know that I do miss you and love you. Ok that's it I won't bother you again
I call her that weekend to ask if she feels differently about the breakup and she says that she still feels that she made the right decision. Ive decided to go No Contact. Its been 2 weeks, but from a females perspective, what is going on in her head and should I give her more space and thenn reach out to her again. I want to know if mixed signals indicate if shes moved on and I should put my efforts elsewhere.
Hey :)
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting.
I can’t tell you 100% what might be going through your girlfriends mind as you probably know her tons better than me or anyone else.
I can totally see why you might be so confused about your ex. Her behaviour is rather confusing – in my opinion she’s confused.
Her message clearly shows that she’s uncertain about the break-up “I really hope I didn't make a big mistake”. That really demonstrates the fact that she’s sticking with her decision (for now maybe) but hoping that it wasn’t a wrong one = she’s not sure / she has doubts.
My best advice to you would be; seeing as you’ve decided not to make any contact, keep it that way for as long as you can or would like to.
When you do decide to make contact (if she doesn’t first) send her a short friendly text saying that you’re just saying hi, checking how she’s doing, hope she’s well, etc.
• Don‘t bring up fixing things or sorting out the relationship OR ANYTHING to do with the past relationship anymore. If you do talk about past relationship type things let it be because she brought it up.
• Act friendly in a friends kind of way.
• Let her know that you’re there if she needs to chat.
• Be sweet.
• Be everything that she first fell in love with in you.
Please read making contact tips in how to get your ex back 1 and
how to get your ex back 2.
If she is contemplating getting back together with you remembering all the reasons why she fell in love with you in the first place could be just what she needs to fall in love with you all over again. Like she said in her message “I do miss you and love you” – her feelings for you are still alive. I don’t know why things ended but it does seem like there is still hope especially considering the fact that it’s been two months since the break-up and she still feels this way.
Like I said, stick to your “no contact” plan and when she makes contact or you decide that you want to after a while; stick to being friendly and don’t bring anything about the past relationship into the picture. BE THE GUY SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH.
Everything of the best!
Good luck!
Hi , I have read all the advice and hopefully you will be able to help me out, I was with a girl for a little over 8 months and suddenly ended. She had a massive fear at first of me leaving her reason being she has a child from her previous relationship and other guys have run from her for this very reason. We were madly inlove and the amount of passion was unbelievable yet she always listened to her friends witch caused fights between us, she went away one weekend en and relised that she shouldn't live her life through her friends and came back with a new attitude and it couldn't be more perfect only for it to end, her reason where because she has things she needs to sort out in her head that she hadn't dealt with from the past , the first four weeks after we had broken up she was giving me signs that she was positive to the chances of getting back together but now it ha been two months and she has told me she needs a break all together from me , we meet up to exchange belongings and she did not seem upset or phased at the fact we might never speak again, my question is what are the chances I will ever hear from her again let alone have another chance
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks for your comment.
I hope I'll be able to help a little.
It seems like there might be another reason for the break-up or maybe for her change of heart (from showing positive signs to making things seem permanent). If she wanted to end things to deal with stuff she hadn’t dealt with in the past wouldn’t it be more of a space than a break-up – wouldn’t you be getting back together after a predetermined period?
I think the best thing to do is to find out from her whether or not there is a chance that you will get back together. Make sure that she doesn’t leave you with an “I don’t know” but a simple yes or no. The fact that you’re returning each others belongings makes the break-up seem rather permanent but only she can clarify this.
If the break-up is permanent in her opinion then I think it would be best for you to allow yourself to try and move on from the situation for your own good. This doesn’t mean that things couldn’t change in the future but if she feels that there is no chance in you getting back together (for whatever reasons she may have that you may or may not know about) holding onto the situation could just result in more hurt and heart-ache for you.
If she has feelings for you (as you do for her) she will contact you and try and make a means of fixing things seeing as she is the one who ended things.
Good luck!
I really hope everything works out in your favor regardless.
Hello Jade,
ReplyDeleteI just have to say the advice that you give is amazing and right on! I was dating my ex for two years and we were about to get married. We broke up just a few months ago and had minimal contact. I started dating and this got back to my ex, and she was filled with jealousy! We agreed to meet up together to catch up and things went great, I read into all the signs that she is still interested in me (asking about my love life, body language etc). Prior to meeting up, she was sending me friendly text messages and what not. After we met up, she hasnt initiated contact, but she responds when I contact her. I want her back to bad, but I don't know how I should approach it. I think she broke up with me because she was having grass is greener on the other side syndrome. I say this because after we broke up, she started going out a lot and partying, something she used to NEVER do. I am thinking about writing her a love letter and telling her how I feel, but I am afraid it will push her away. Whoever gives me advice tells me that you have to be strong and show her that you can live without her, and if I chase her it will just make me look weak. I never did chase her since we broke up, but I miss her so much. How can I let her know in a letter or even in person that I love her and want to give it another chance without losing any posture or appearing weak? Or should I just leave it alone. I really do feel as if she is interested. Please help!
Hi there!
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story.
Thank you so much for the compliment :)
I’m really sorry about what happened with you and your exfiancé and hope that everything works out for the best in the end.
I’m not sure what the exact reason for your break-up was but the fact that you refer to her as having ‘grass is greener on the other side syndrome’ as possibly the reason behind it, it seems like this could have been due to one of two factors:
You mention that she NEVER used to go out a lot or partying; maybe she felt like being in a relationship restricted her from doing this or she needed to experiment with a different social lifestyle before settling down.
Alternatively she could have been going out and partying as a means of getting over the break-up.
These are both possibilities.
With regards to letting her know how you feel; you alone can make that call. You were in a very long and intense relationship with your ex (2 years is a long time and you were engaged so the relationship was obviously serious) – you should thus know her rather well.
Try and gather everything you know about her (how she thinks, what gets her attention, what she was first attracted to in you, etc.) and use this to decide what your approach in telling her how you feel should be.
Does she like romance? Most girls love romance. Please note that being romantic and being weak (as you put it) are two completely different things. Telling her how you feel about her (especially in a love letter – which is a really great idea) would be more romantic then it would be weak. If she is the kind of girl that loves romance every now and then this could really work out well (if she feels the same way about you of course).
Please read: 10 tips in finding out how someone feels about you and 'How do I know how he/she feels about me' as these articles tell you EXACTLY how to structure a letter in which to express your feelings as well as the kind of atmosphere, situation, etc. in which to do so.
I’m not sure if you’ve been on another date or ‘catch up session’ since the last one but my best advice to you would be to set one up if you decide to tell her how you feel. Have a fun, spontaneous date and allow her to recall all the things she first fell in love with in you.
Let her see how well you get on, what an awesome couple you are or why you were together in the first place and if she feels the same way you do things could only go well for you.
AT the end of the date you could present the letter to her and allow her to tell you straight out and honestly how she feels (this is all addressed and explained in the articles I suggested earlier).
If things don’t go the way you’d like them to and she decides that she doesn’t want to try again (although you seem very confident that she does still have feelings for you) then at least you will know instead of holding on to something uncertain forever.
Remember – If you’re meant to be together you will be.
Good luck!
I was with my ex for a.little over two years. We have been through a lot. He broke my trust so many times. We broke up (he broke up with me saying he didn't want to hurt me anymore)the mid~end of Feb for about 3weeks he called me and text me everyday telling me he loved me and missed me an felt like it was the biggest mistake of his life. He did however go out everynight and did flirt with other girls and get there phone numbers. He never told me I found out by going through his phone. Anyways we got back together and things were the best they had everr been he was all about me. I could feel the lol he felt for me. He was trying so hard to prove his trust to me and I'm not going to lie I kinda took it for granted and gave him a hard time cause the trust was already broken. I never told him how good he was doing in fear that he would stop trying.
ReplyDeleteHe started getting very aggrevated with me and we started fighting a lot and all time. I could feel that he didn't care anymore. I could feel the distance so he told me he wanted space and maybe he loved me like a best friend. I.started crying naturally, and he said he took it back and we hung out the rest of the day and watched movies. He talked o me like nothing happened the next day and when I asked if we were still together or not he.said no I still need space. He talked to me the next day about something random. Then nothing for a week until I begged to talk to him. during this week I took back the tv and xbox I bought him I also helped him finance and computer and I returned it in fear that he wouldn't pay for it. which really made him mad. I also found out that he was talking to a bunch of girls again within the week of our break up. Two weeks ago we started hanging out he called me at 6am telling me he misses me and that he loved me we slept together and the whole time he told me he loved me but then he said he still.wanted the break. I told him yesterday that i.can't just be his friend that I deserve better. he replied I need to have u in my life. i.don't know what to do cause I need him in mine but more than a friend. I'm so upset its literaly making me sick! So I try to purse him or just suck it up and move on?
Hi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting I really hope that I will be able to help you see things a little clearer.
My major concern is that your ex might be using you for one of two or two reasons. Please try and make sure that this isn’t the case because I’d really hate for it to be.
Firstly, he may be using you for financial reasons or taking advantage of the fact that you do things for him (like the computer financing, the TV and the Xbox). The fact that you had to beg him to talk to you and he got mad when you returned / took back the stuff really points in this direction. If he didn’t care about all the material stuff but rather your feelings or how you feel this wouldn’t have bothered him to such an extent that he got angry and you wouldn’t have been concerned with the fact that he might not have paid it.
Secondly, he may be using you in a sense that you’re more of a 'friend with benefits' and I can see that you’re really concerned about this.
The last thing you want is to be in this position and I know that it seems like you just have to stick it out if you still want him in your life in any way possible but trust me this could only result in you getting hurt if things don’t work out at the end of it all.
It seems apparent that your ex might want to keep you in a 'friends with benefits' position so that he can get to be with you while being with other girls and not feeling like he’s cheating on you. This is likely to be the reason why he ended things saying he didn’t want to hurt you anymore – like you said he broke your trust and hurt you many times before; he didn’t want to continue doing this thus he broke up with you so that he could carry on being with other people without feeling like he’s being unfaithful.
There are many factors pointing to this as being the case
• Like I mentioned, you said he broke up with you saying he didn’t want to hurt you anymore (after having broken your trust before)
• While telling you he missed you and felt that he made a mistake he was out flirting with other girls and getting their numbers
• He was talking to other girls within the week of your break-up
• You’ve slept together since the break-up and he tells you he loves you but that he still needs the break
I know that you said that He was trying to prove his trust to you and you may have given him a hard time but you had every right to. He had hurt you before and you were trying to protect yourself. Trust takes time to be built; it doesn’t happen overnight and if he really has deep feelings for you he should have been able to understand that.
My best advice to you would be to put yourself first for a change and please make sure you’re not getting used. I know that it might seem like having him in your life in any way (even if it is as a ‘friend with benefits’) is better than not having him in your life at all but I can tell that that’s really not what you want, like you said: I need him as more than a friend.
Take some time out (he wants a break in any case) and decide what it is you want. Let the past relationship and the feelings you have for him take a back seat for a bit as hard as that might be and maybe it would help you if you didn’t sleep with him anymore. Tell him that you don’t want to be intimate with him if you’re not in a relationship because you’re feelings for him are too strong. If he really cares for you trust me, he’ll understand.
Please read 'what is friends with benefits’.
If he really loves you and has changed you’re going to end up together and everything’s going to be fine. If you’re not meant to be then you need to move on and trust that it’s for the best. You deserve to be with someone who truly loves and cares for you.
I really hope everything gets way better for you really soon.
Good luck!
I dated my boyfriend for 6 months. We got close--I thought. He said we were “made for each other” and he didn’t believe in fate but would like to where I was concerned. He said he never knew intimacy could be as special as it was with me. He sent daily text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested we spend weekends together. We went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents and 3 grown children several times.
ReplyDeleteHe started growing distant over a month ago, and we haven't seen each other in that time or talked for three weeks. Late one night, 2 weeks ago, he sent me an e-mail explaining his distancing, saying he had "complicated" feelings about our relationship: he felt guilty as it was apparent to him I was putting more emotion and passion into it than he. He said it was nothing I had done/not done, and he couldn't go to the drawing board and come up with a more ideal woman. But he felt something was "missing" and didn't know if it was the fact he hadn't had a real relationship for the past 15 years, had gotten set in his ways, or emotional barriers he put up after his divorce. (He has said more than once he is "wary of relationships." He has said he usually seeks out "inappropriate" women--until me.) He said it was confusing and mentioned he might even need his "head examined" because I was so "perfect." The middle of the day the next day, when I hadn't responded, he sent another message saying he thought I looked beautiful the night before at a musical event we attended separately.
I sent him an e-mail a few days later, asking, "Where do we go from here?" He responded the next day: “Don’t know right now.”
A couple of days later, I sent him an e-mail, saying I took his initial message as a breakup letter; it was a pity it had to end that way; and I would think good thoughts about him. I said I would get my personal items at his house at some point.
(Continued)
continued here)
ReplyDeleteHe would still occasionally forward an e-mail to me or respond to a FB post, although I stopped interacting, deciding no contact was best. Now his FB posts and "likes" are less frequent--except tonight he sent me a message to say that the mother of one of our friends died. Apparently, he sent the message to a few other friends, too. I thanked him for letting me know.
A mutual friend found out we weren't together now. We had attended a party this summer at her house. Here is what she said:
"He's a hard one to keep, from my observation. We've had lots of talks over the years - but then again, not in several years. When we all used to go to happy hour at (local bar) every Friday, I enjoyed sitting beside him, getting to talk to him. I used to tease him about finding somebody. I used to think he was just shy and maybe lacked confidence. I think he told you the God's honest truth in his message. For whatever the reason, he just won't stick. I do NOT think he's some kind of player, and wouldn't hurt you for anything. Seems like he's scared to find a good person. Some friends have theorized he never got over his wife. I have no idea about that, but I sensed he has felt a lot of guilt about the divorce, regarding his kids. Yrs ago, somebody I know called me up and begged me to fix her up with him. She is a great person, professional, nice looking. I told her I'd try, but didn't give much hope because he is NOT a candidate for a blind date. At first he chuckled and said no thanks, but later asked a few questions and eventually agreed to talk to her. They went out a few times, then he just quit being interested, according to her. She said he was nice, complimentary, seemed to have a good time, great conversationalist, comical, everything you might say about him, and she didn't understand what went wrong. I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry it didn't work out (so far. Who knows?) I think you are wise to move on, although I think you would have been great for him. You'd bring fun into his life."
I think he wants someone, but he's scared. I am heartbroken. What should I do?
Hello there
DeleteThanks a lot for your comment.
I’m really sorry about your “break-up” (He hasn’t officially addressed it as such yet) and hope that everything works out for the best and that you can see it really soon.
I think that the message you received from your friend may have or might help you quite a bit with regards to understanding your ex and the current situation a bit better.
I think that she might be right with regards to the fact that his previous divorce may have or may be influencing his current life quite a bit.
I don’t think there is anything you could really do (seeing as both he and your friend mentioned what an awesome and perfect person you are especially for him). I think that you made a great decision by having no contact.
I’ve got two possible solutions that may help you.
Firstly you could give him one last chance to think things through. You need to collect your stuff from him (like you said in your comment); in order to arrange a time and date for doing so you would need to make contact with him. I suggest that you contact him and ask him how he is or how he’s doing. You then need to casually bring up the fact that the last time you asked him 'what happens now' he said he didn’t know and you’d like to know if he knows now or would know by the time you come over to collect your stuff. Tell him whatever you feel you’d like to tell him. (Please read;
how to find out how someone feels about you - part 1 and
How to tell how someone feels about you - part 2
please pay attention to writing a letter to express your feelings and use this as a letter or in your conversation.)
Telling him this prior to coming over (for your stuff) will allow him to think about everything before you arrive. You've had quite a bit of space so he should realize by now whether or not he feels an empty space in his life (where you used to / should be).
Secondly you could speak to him about what he said with regards to you being perfect for him and the fact that he doesn’t know what the matter with him is (bearing in mind how your friend said the same thing with regards to him being afraid and somehow having a fear of commitment) and ask him to talk to you about it.
Suggest that you get couples therapy if he really has feelings for you and would like to make things work or is just unsure about how to go about a long lasting relationship due to past negative experiences (his divorce).
The only way you can help your ex or mend your relationship is with his full interest and commitment to you and the relationship.
If you feel that trying for this relationship is not worth it then you should carry on doing what you’re doing – break away from contact and move forward from him. You seem to have a lot of mutual friends so you could arrange with any of them to collect your personal belongings from him if you like.
If you feel up to it, giving the relationship one last chance (with regards to the two suggestions I made) can’t make things any worse than they already are – if things work out in your favour they could only make things better.
It’s entirely up to how you truly feel and how you really feel that he feels about you.
I wish you everything of the best.
Good luck and God Bless
Thanks. I think I will wait another week and then ask to come get my things and try to talk with him--in a positive, not accusatory, manner. I'm starting to get my emotions in check and feel better, so I think I'm almost ready.
DeleteHi again :)
DeleteI'm really glad that you seem to have everything planned and sorted out & seem to be doing okay.
Everything of the best! You're gonna be great.
Good Luck!!!
So my ex has not initiated sending me a personal message in the month since he decided his feelings for me were "complicated" and sent me the breakup e-mail I mentioned above. He has forwarded me a few humorous/political e-mails. And lately, he has been liking and commenting on several on my Facebook posts, especially in the last few days.
DeleteYesterday, though, a month after the breakup, he sent me a private Facebook message: "For what it's worth, I feel bad about the situation, and I'm sorry."
I have been trying to maintain no-contact, except for one time I slipped up. Other than that, he hasn't heard from me. I've been staying busy. I'm fairly certain my ex knows I've just started dating again. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone.
To sum up his background, remember, he was married for 19 years; his wife cheated on him; he has been divorced for 15 years; and he erected emotional barriers/defenses.
I replied briefly a few hours later, telling him him he made his made his decision, and that's fine. Water under the bridge. I'm getting on with my life. There is no malice, nothing to be sorry about. I told him I'd come by this Wednesday afternoon/evening to get my items, and please leave them on the front porch if he isn't home.
He responded and said he'd leave them on the bench on the porch for me.
Why are his intentions in telling me a month later that he feels bad? What does he want me from me?
It’s really nice hearing from you again :)
DeleteI’m so proud of you for being able to move on and what you told him with regards to the fact that he made his decision, its water under the bridge and you’re going on with your life. It’s great that you’re out dating and everything again. I’m really extremely happy for you.
I think that the fact that you’ve been basically consistent with the whole ‘no contact’ thing allowed your ex to realize that you’d moved past him. That and the fact that he might know that you’re now dating again have the potential to have instigated him into finding a reason or excuse even for making contact with you. Although he probably does feel bad or has some feelings of remorse with regards to him letting you go, I think that his Facebook message was more of an aim to start contact with you again seeing that you weren’t initiating contact with him and he found out you were dating again.
He knows that what he did was wrong and probably not the best thing he could have done and this has also probably been on his mind since the breakup leading towards the message.
I think that you should carry on doing what you’re doing. You’re really doing a great job moving on. Keep going. The only way you can move forward successfully is by making peace with the past just as you have and as you made him aware of.
You’re doing great and moving on with your life while he’s still stuck with all of his issues and regrets.
Keep looking up. You’re on the right track!
Hi, I read all ur advice and Im still lost. My bf and I have history from childhood. 20yrs. He dumped me in june. He left the 3rd of july and moved himself and our dog 2 his moms and im now 7months with our baby boy. Id say the past week has been the best between us but Ive got questions that I directly asked him "do u miss me?" I told him yesterday I still love him. He knows how back he hurt me when one morning before the breakup I was leavin for work got my hug and kiss and said I love u and he stopped right there and said thoughs words I wasn't ready to hear "I don't love u anymore" he comes over now and acts differently these days and in the mix mentioned there are still feelings there between us. Idk what to think what to do both our moms get up in our business and make things worse but this man has no idea how much I really love him if it were me with us both being 25 with our own everything why is it like this what's going on?
ReplyDeleteHey there
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting.
Congratulations on the beautiful baby boy you’re expecting.
I’m really sorry about the current situations that you’ve found yourself in with regards to your boyfriend and hope that everything gets sorted out really soon coz such stress is really not good for you right now.
The best advice I could give you is that YOU PUT YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY FIRST PLEASE!
Like I said, stress is not okay for you and worrying about the situation regarding your boyfriend at the moment is definitely not okay for you and your little one.
I think that you should decide what will be the best way of handling this situation for you and your baby. I have a couple of suggestions on what you could do and I want you to think about which would make things as easy and stress free as possible for you and your future little boy.
My first suggestion is that you talk to your boyfriend and find out where his head is right now. I’m not sure what may have led to your boyfriend’s sudden change of heart with regards to feeling like he didn’t love you anymore or leaving but you must have an idea on this.
Did you have a major fight? Did either of you do something wrong? I know you mentioned your mothers; did either of them have something to do with this? Did this involve anyone else besides your mom’s?
Sometimes stress with regards to major changes such as a pregnancy can be hectic for both the mom and dad to be. If the pregnancy was a shock or surprise for your boyfriend this could have influenced or be part of the reason why he suddenly changed towards you. Stress has a weird impact on people and people react strongly and differently to different situations.
If you honestly have no idea what went wrong, finding this out could be your ticket to knowing what to do next.
If your next step is to find out if you can fix things with your boyfriend; you’ll be able to do this if you know what’s wrong. Judging from what you’ve said about your boyfriend mentioning the fact that there are still feelings between you there might still be hope for your relationship.
If your next step is to move on; knowing why things ended would help you to better understand the situation in order to obtain closure and move on.
Please know that as I mentioned, stress would not be a good thing for you right now and if you think that speaking to your boyfriend about everything would increase your stress levels (especially with regards to the fact that you’re not sure what he would say) then please postpone this until after the baby is born or leave this suggestion out altogether. Please use your judgement and if you feel like this would do more harm than good then please follow the next suggestion instead.
* continued below *
The second suggestion is that you cut all contact with your boyfriend indefinitely or at least until your baby is born. The fact that he still comes around occasionally might mean that you don’t cut contact completely but cut out the fact that you still have deep feelings for him. I know that this would obviously be really hard but if you can try and concentrate all your thoughts, energy and love on your baby it might help you a little. If you decide that you can’t have your boyfriend around you then tell him that.
DeleteYour boyfriend should be able to understand the fact that you’re pregnant (after all you’re carrying his baby). He should never have said what he said to you in the first place seeing as you’re carrying his child. He should at least be thinking about that.
He should trust that you need to do what’s best for the baby and if you feel like seeing less of him or cutting him out completely would help you stress less during the last stretch of your pregnancy then he should understand that.
I really hope that everything works out and trust that you will make the right decision for both you and your baby. Find comfort and strength in those who care about you and who love you like close friends, family or your mom (despite the fact that you may feel that she buds in a lot – she really loves you).
Everything of the best.
Good luck and God bless you and your baby.
Hi there..I broke up with my ex 8 months ago. It was a long distance relationship which lasted for 8 mths. I was afraid to fall in love with him initially as I knew from day 1 we will never end up together. I knew we will never get married. I love him and I know at one point of time he did love me too but not enough to make me his wife. I broke up with him because we started to drift apart. Our contacts started getting lesser and I started feeling insecure. I suggested we stop out contacts a few times. The 1st few times he was angry but he came back. The final time happened just a few days before Cristmas. He got angry and I begged him to come back. He finally said goodbye to me a few days later. He got into no contact after that. I tried sending him messages but there was no response until 2 months ago. He told me things are not fine for him (his work) and asked me to look for a guy who does not have many problems and could look after me. He said there's nothing to talk anymore and asked me if I got my closure. I emailed and told him I was struggling with my life too but I will still support him if he allowed me. He responded by motivating me. When I was about to lose my job I messaged him again and he did send me motivations to continue to hang in there. I was really touched when he replied. But when i tried to initiate contact he didnt show any sign he was interested. He didnt respond after that. So i finally wrote him a closure email and told him I will let him go. I still love him and miss him terribly but I know I shouldnt force him to come back to me again. I dont know why he refuses to treat me as a friend even though I had stressed to him many times I would rather remain as his friend rather than lose touch with him. I know we cant go back to what we used to have. And that is the reason I sent him that final email. Every time when I feel the urge to contact him I told myself I cant do that anymore as I have already sent him that closure and let him go. Its hard to believe that I will never see or talk to him again but reality is reality. I wish I could know if he still loves me or not but someday that question wont matter anymore. The fact is he is over me and doesnt even want tp remain as friends. He has moved on and probably found somebody worth his love. And i know I will find someone who is worth my love too.
ReplyDeleteHello :)
DeleteThanks so much for sharing your story.
I’m really sorry about the ending of your relationship.
I’m really proud of you for being so strong and focusing on moving on for your own sake. You should be really proud of yourself too.
Please know that sometimes when we’re going through something we can’t really see the purpose of it but in the end you’ll look back and smile and know that everything happened the way it did for a reason. You’re happiness is out there and sometimes we all need a little rain before we get that rainbow.
I’m so happy that you’re confident in love and that you will find someone worth you’re love because that is the truest thing you could ever say.
When you do feel that you’ve found that person (whether it be someone you know now or someone you’re yet to meet) please let us know about it. I’d love to hear all about it.
Good luck and God Bless
i was with my ex for a year she broke up with me she told me she was never "in love" with me. i try my best to be the best bf i was a gentleman and treated her with respect and her kids,so after the break up i decided to go NC she would txt me at least once every 2 weeks we would have a freindly conversation and thats it. This happend 3 months ago.
ReplyDeleteA week ago i end up finding that shes dating someone and right now im so hurt inside and mental i cant think right i started suffering from anxiety i feel like im goign crazy. i really dont have freinds to go out with. im trying my best to move on but its just so hard.
To be honest i really want her back. Do you think is possible one day she'll be back or is it a lost?
Thank you
Hi there
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting.
I’m really sorry about you’re break up and what you’re going through. I know how hard break-ups can be especially when your relationship was somewhat long term and/or the feelings you had for each other (or for the other person) were really deep.
There is nothing you could do to make your ex change how she feels or make her come back to you if she’s lost interest or sees no hope in the relationship. From all that you’ve said with regards to how you treated her and how you were the best boyfriend that you can be; you kept the relationship going but a relationship needs two fully committed people to work.
I know it may seem like a complete lie but there is actually some reason and truth behind the fact that most break-ups end with the words “It’s not you, it’s me.” It really is her. You did everything you could do to make her happy and be the best person for her but things still didn’t work so it’s obvious that there is and was nothing you could have possibly done.
They say that ‘there’s nothing worse than watching the one you love, love someone else’ and unfortunately this is the sad truth in so many break-ups.
I can’t tell you whether or not with time your ex would realize that she actually wants you and wants to be with you but it has been months since the break-up and now it seems like she’s moved on – maybe you should do the same for your own good. It's clear that the situation is stressing you out (like you said " im so hurt inside and mental i cant think right i started suffering from anxiety i feel like im going crazy").
I know that you can’t help how you feel about your ex and the truth is that love doesn’t just go away. You were with your ex for a long while and obviously shared really deep feelings so those aren’t just gonna go away and you can’t just forget them.
The important thing to know is that time can make everything feel better. It won’t erase how you feel but it can take some of the sting out of the pain of a break-up.
Waiting for your ex and hoping for her to come back to you (especially with regards to the fact that she’s now with someone else) could only make things worse and more painful for you.
I really think that you need to try and move forward. Try and make peace with the idea that you’re not together any more and tell yourself that your ex is okay with the break-up and that’s why she’s moved on and maybe you should do the same.
Yes it’s possible that one day you could end up together (if you’re meant to be together – you will be. True love always finds it’s way back together in the end). It’s not guaranteed though and you can’t wait around forever not knowing what could happen. If you put the idea of getting back together further back in your mind and you do end up back together then that would be awesome but if it doesn’t happen then at least you will be okay.
If you don’t have friends to hang out with to help you move on a little better hang out with some family members (brothers, sisters, cousins, etc) or spend a little more time doing something you enjoy (a hobby or sport).
Everything’s going to be okay.
Be strong and look forward.
Good luck and God Bless!
I went ahead and sent him a message on Facebook about 8 p.m. Sunday night, saying, "Hey. I hope you're doing ok. I wondered when would be a good time for me to come by and get the things I left at your house." I can see that he read it around 11 p.m. that night but hasn't responded. It's now Tuesday. I figured he would take a day or two to respond, and so I'm waiting. I don't know if he's just trying to avoid me because he feels negatively about me and wants to avoid conflict, or if he's having second thoughts/misses me. Who knows?
ReplyDeleteSo I have two more questions, Jade:
1) What do I do if he doesn't respond in a reasonable amount of time? Some of the items are toiletries that can be easily replaced. One is a souvenir t-shirt he got for me at a jazz festival on a trip to see his brother who lives across the country. The most important things are two books that pertain to some of the history of our town, which are irreplaceable. We were looking at them at his house right before he started having his "issues," and he asked if I would leave them and let him look at them a little longer.
2) When I do finally see him, if I get to talk to him, should I the "reverse psychology" approach and act strong, as if I have moved on? Or should I be honest and vulnerable and tell him how much I have been hurting and how much I care about him?
Hi again :)
DeleteI’m glad you plucked up the courage to message your ex about your belongings.
You know him better than I do so if you say you knew that he would take a day or two to respond then you’re probably right. I think you probably should have called him instead of texting or emailing in order to avoid the ‘waiting and wondering’ feeling. Another problem with this is wondering whether or not your ex read the message, got the message before someone else, etc. If you do contact him again (to follow up on the email or any other reason you may have) please try and avoid using texts or emails (read making contact here for more on this).
With regards to getting your belongings back, if you feel that he is avoiding seeing you or doesn’t reply your message although he got it and/or read it then you could always resort to your mutual friends (as mentioned in my previous reply). He can’t keep your valuables from you (especially the irreplaceable ones) so if you really want them back either get a friend to get them back for you or have one accompany you in getting them back.
If you feel like you’d still like to see him despite him not replying your message or taking long to do so, call him and ask him if he got your message (even though you know that he did). This would be a good conversation starter and you’d be able to take it from there. During that conversation you should be able to schedule a date on getting your items back (or talking) or arranging a means of getting everything back.
Judging from the fact that you’re thinking about what you should do when you get to see him or speak to him again, I can tell that you really still want to speak to him so this would probably be a better option than getting a friend to collect your items.
If you do contact him and he still doesn’t seem keen to meet or set up a date though, then you’ll probably have no choice but to have a friend collect your belongings if you’re really want them(especially the irreplaceable items) back.
* continued below *
When it comes to speaking to him and which approach you should take; only you know the answer to that one. If you feel that he doesn’t know how you feel and you need to tell him in order to see whether or not your relationship still has a chance of being revived then I suggest you do so.
DeleteIf you have told him already (whether via email, phone call or in person) then I suggest you don’t keep telling him over and over again.
You need to look at what you’ve been doing so far; have you been vulnerable and telling him how you feel and that you care about him and everything? – How has that been working for you if you have?
Have you been pretending to have moved on or keeping your true feelings from him? - How has that working for you if you have?
Whatever you’ve been doing clearly hasn’t been doing the trick so maybe you need to give whatever you haven’t been doing a shot this time.
You need to bear in mind that this is your life. You deserve love and happiness and if it seems like he has no intention of giving you any of these there is definitely someone out there who will. You deserve closure and if that’s what you need you should get it.
When you see him you should do what feels right for you. If you see no hope in getting back together or feel like he hasn’t made any attempt at showing you that he still cares then don’t hurt yourself even more by being completely vulnerable only to have him tell you that he doesn’t see any hope. You need to be completely open to the fact that anything can happen if you take this root. Please read these tips on finding out how someone feels about you especially tips 9 and 10. This could help in this regard.
I hope that this helps you a bit and that everything works out.
Stay strong and know that everything happens for a reason.
Remember that if you’re meant to be together at the end you will be. A relationship needs BOTH OF YOU to want it, to show dedication and commitment. If one of you is not 100% in; it’s not fair on the other and the relationships chances of survival are completely slim.
Good luck!!!
Hi. My husband would like to break up with me. He was really so selfish and only thinking about himself.We had a 4 year old son . His only reason of breaking up with me is because of my attitude which is part of our past problem that been settled. After a week I have found out that he is cheating on me, he doesn't even know that i already discover that. using some negative things about me just to do whatever he want..So what can I do with him?? I really reaaly dont wanna go back with that selfish man ever . So sad for me that Divorce is not really allowed here in the Phils. only annulment but too expensive.
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks for sharing your story.
I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. Many people, when cheating or being unfaithful to their partners try and change everything and shift the blame to their partner just like what your husband did by blaming your break up on your attitude and all of that.
It's horrible that divorce is not an option for you.
The best advice I could give you is to do what's best for you and your little boy. If you can't get divorced see if it is maybe possible to move out and live with a family member, parent or friend until you've saved up enough money for an annulment. Try and get as much space from your husband as you can. If you really see no hope in fixing your relationship then the best thing to do is to try and move on.
Good luck and God Bless!
I was with my ex for 17 years and we have two wonderful kids together. He broke it off with me because he wanted to date other women. He felt that he was mising out since we had been together since he was 18. He started talking to these two women the same month he broke up with me. He hasn't moved out y because he doesn't have the money. He wants to be my best friend. He told these women that he still hase feelings for me. I don't wana get stuck in the friend zone and he knows how much I love him. He said we could get back together. He doesn't know what the future may hold. He did continue to sleep with me before he told me abot dating these women. I want him in my life and our kids' lives. I'm trying to be cigvil for the kids and keep my emotions in check. I just don't know how to show him I am the woman that loves him and truly wants him for who he is.
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks for the comment and for sharing your story. I hope that I will help you see things a little better.
It seems like your ex is trying to have the best of both worlds; have you (by sleeping with you, living with you and having your company) and be single (seeing and being with other people). This is highly dangerous and unfair on you. Please read friends with benefits as it seems like the type of relationship he’s putting you in and it seems like you know that(that’s why you said you don’t want to be stuck in the friends zone).
There is no sure way to show him how you’re the best for him and you truly love him because I think he already knows that. The fact that you’ve been together so long should tell him where you’re loyalties lie and how much you love him. I think that due to the fact that he knows how much you love him and how strong your feelings for him are as well as the fact that you want to be with him because you love him and have children together; he’s taking advantage in knowing that even if he goes around and has fun with other people or whatever (as you said it’s because he feels he didn’t get a chance to do this) he knows that you’re still going to be around waiting during his messing around and once he’s done.
My best advice to you would be to let him know that this is not what you want. It isn’t safe to be sleeping with someone who's sleeping with a whole bunch of other people. This could result in you getting many diseases or ending up with a broken heart. You need to let him know that you’re not going to sleep with him while he’s sleeping with someone else or wait around to get back together with him when he's done messing around with everyone else. Tell him how you feel about him, how much you love him and that you feel that you’re the best thing for him but that you don’t think it’s fair on you to be put in this position. Tell him that despite your feelings for him you would be willing to move on if he feels that you can’t fix your relationship and be exclusive with each other. Ask him if he needs a week (or whatever time frame you decide on) to think about things and that you will discuss his decision on a particular date.
If he decides that he can’t be exclusive with you and needs to be out with other people then you need to be brave and strong enough to move on. It is not healthy for you or your children to be in a dysfunctional home. You need to put yourself and your children first and do what is best for you all.
I really hope that everything is okay soon.
Stay positive.
God Bless
Hi jade, its me again the 7month pregnant one expecting a boy.... thanks for all ur advice. It does help. Its tricky tho. We did fight alot but not b4 I caught him in a lie... after the first time he lied it totally changed me. Id never just gave a man a chance b4 and handed him trust too never. This one got it and gutted it. Ok I have a boy from a pre. Realationship he's almost 6, loves this man like he's gold. His mother is a total babbling nut case... she and I work together but different depts. And she has caused so much drama at work and I begged him to sit and talk with her about it half the time he'd blow me off and the other half he wouldn't even believe the things she had done or said. My mom didn't get involved until the end because she witnessed things moms don't wanna witness without flipping out on ppl like him. I understand my mom she just sometimes over barring. His mom actually comes to my house with his sister over a fight between me and my ex "gonna kick my ass" the day he leaves. I just got home went in and locked me and my son in so she couldn't do anything. Then 2 days later at my job in front of customers. As far as my ex goes we don't live together anymore he moved with his mommy and I kept our house, just got rid of the 2 flea bags (sry just emotional) 6 days after he moved out which I was at work and on a Sunday... my phone blows up can't answer so im freakin out. My mom saw him at the grocery store with his ex and she lost it... I mean my 51 yr old mom let the world know he had me pregnant and he's "slutting" around with this b**** which I've delt with this trick for 8 yrs getting in my life like this. Got off work wow my mom really got the message across town what dog poop he is. Straight up, I love his dads side of the family they support me and work with him so he gets badgered at work like some animal. Ie known the whole family 20 yrs as well (his father past in 02) , I try to take note when him and I fight try to be understanding in his case. Idk what to do. But one thing for sure. When he found out 2 wks ago my doc was sending me an hr and a. Half away from home bcuz our baby "Stopped growing' his *** was there. Im so lost and confused.idk maybe as insane as this seems and if its not to much to ask if u could help put this together id be greatful. I do feel like sometimes he is sincere but sometimes I feel like he's playing me for a fool... plz message back I praying its not lost hope...
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteIt’s really great hearing from you again :)
I hope that everything has been going well with the baby and that there haven’t been any more complications.
It really sucks how your “almost in-laws” have been treating you. Please keep to my previous reply and avoid all situations and people who might add to your stress levels at this stage of your pregnancy. It’s really not healthy.
With regards to your mom, you need to understand that she’s your mom; she really cares about you and wants to protect you. I think that she’s one of the most trustworthy people you have in your life right now. I understand that she can be dramatic and sometimes make things a little worse but that’s what moms do. Overally she’s there for you and has your best interests at heart.
I really do see the fact that when there seemed to be a problem regarding your pregnancy your boyfriend was there for you as a sign that he does still care for you and / or the baby you share together.
With regards to all hope being lost; there is always hope. There will always be hope and the fact that you share a baby together means that your ex will always be a part of your life whether you’re in a relationship together or not.
Like I said in my previous email the only way you can find out for sure how he feels about you is by talking to him. Maybe it will be easier (and less stressful) to do this after the baby comes. Without talking to him about where your relationship is or where it’s going there is no way I can just tell you how he feels or any way u can just guess how you may think he feels.
He alones knows where his head is right now. Maybe after the baby is born everything will be a little less stressful and you will be able to better discuss and figure out what will happen next. You can’t take any step in any direction without knowing how he feels.
Hang on in there and take care of both you and the little one.
God Bless!
Hi! I need some advice on my pprevious relationship. I dated this kid for 1 year and 9 months. He was my first love and I was his. I was his first serious girlfriend. We dated through most of high school. About two and a half months ago we broke up. He was turning into a completely different person and getting influenced by his friends. When we broke up we both cried and he seemed very angry and upset but he was breaking up with me. He just started his senior year in high school and im a freshmen in college and he mentioned being nervous about me finding another boy but we never actually talked about it.also I've heard from multiple people that he randomly started drinking a lot and getting into other kinds of trouble and just not acting like himself. We haven't talked since we broke up but I really miss him. I feel like if he's not texting or calling me then he doesn't care about me and I should move on but I just can't do it because I love him too much. I really want him back. We were so close and I know he loved me and got scared. Should I text him and make the first move? Or should I just keep trying to move on? Does anything I said seem like he may miss me? Or does it seem like he's over me? I need help cause I want him back but don't want to be hurt again if he doesn't want me
ReplyDelete
DeleteHi there
Thanks for the comment :) I hope I will be able to help you.
Judging from what you've said about him and that he 'randomly started drinking a lot and getting into other kinds of trouble and just not acting like himself' this could be a demonstration of the fact that he's not happy right now. Guys don't express the way they feel in the same way girls do and him acting out could be a sign of how he's feeling right now. I can't tell you for sure how he feels right now because only he knows that but taking into consideration that you were dating for quite a while he probably still has feelings for you.
The best advice I could give you is to do what feels wright. I don't know what kind of relationship you had; if you were friends before you started dating, if you shared everything with each other like best friends, etc. but if communication was one of your strong points as a couple then use that right now. If you feel like you need to know how he feels and are willing to accept the outcome whether bad or good then go for it! Think about it this way: It's either you know and there's a chance he still has deep feelings for you and wants to fix things or you find out he's moved on or you don't know and you keep wondering and hoping.
If you'd like to take the chance to find out how he feels please read how to tell how someone feels about you - part 1 and how to tell how someone feels about you - part 2. These could really help.
If you'd like to move on then please read how to move on . This might help you do this.
I understand that you're scared of rejection. Everyone is but how are you ever going to know if you never find out? The words "What If" have the power to haunt you forever.
If you don't want to ask him flat out how he feels or anything hectic like that just call or text him casually to find out how he is or how he's doing and try and gather more hints into his feelings for you from there. Maybe he's just waiting for you to contact him in order to try and tell you how he feels. You'll never know. If things don't work out don't see this as a heart break, a loss or a rejection, see it as what it is - the fact that you were brave enough to find out and now you can go on with your life without wondering, hoping and thinking about what may have been had you taken the chance.
Remember, nothing has the power to alter fate - if you're meant for each other and are meant to be together: YOU WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT.
Good luck and God Bless!
My Ex girlfriend and I were dating about two months before she broke up with me. It was all going well until a few days after homecoming (we were both in our senior year of high school) I get a message from her saying we need to talk. From that point she basically told me that we were too different people to be together and that she didn't think the was right for me, I told her that wasn't true but she wouldn't head me out. So we both decided it was best that we end it. She offered that maybe we might be able to be friends and I said I would like that. However for the following 8 months she didn't talk to me, and when we saw each other at school (her locker was right next to one of my classes) she would go wide eyed and zoom by me without so much as a word, she even unfriended me from Facebook. I felt like she had used me but I had let that go. Graduation was the first time she had spoken to me, though it was only hi it felt good. About a month ago I receive a text from her asking me how I've been, I told her I'd been good and thanked her for asking along with a cheeky long time no hear" she then proceeded to send me a two page text apology how things ended between us telling me how I was a great boyfriend and I did nothing wrong but she felt like we were moving too fast and she didn't believe she ever told me that moreover she also said she had been afraid of making a commitment (which still confuses me a bit). I thanked her sincerely for the apology as it truly meant a great deal to hear from her that she was sorry for what happened. Since then we've been chatting on Facebook more and more lately and well is was wondering what her angle is, not to be cynical or paranoid as I am usually a positive trusting man. But still nearly a year without contact and all of the sudden we are chatting again like old times. I guess I just am curious and need an outside fresh opinion on the situation.
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks for the comment :)
It seems like you're currently on a fair kind of relationship with your ex girlfriend. I'm not saying it's an awesome place to be or the worst but more in the middle. You aren't fighting or avoiding each other and you're speaking quite regularly which is good.
I think that where you are right now and how things have been progressing is quite a good space and if you'd like to fix things in the future you're on the right track.
I can't tell you exactly what's going on in your exes mind or what she's thinking because only she knows that but I can tell you that you're current position seems okay.
I can't explain the fact that you had no contact for almost a year and until the random message but it could be due to many factors.
- She could have been scared to contact you sooner (like maybe after a month or two of no contact seeing as she knows she had suggested you stay friends).
- She could have been with other people during the break up and only realized after a year that she still feelings for you and / or needs you in her life in some or other way.
- She was waiting for you to make contact but you never did so she eventually took the next step in messaging you.
As can be seen, there are many possibilities why things happened the way they did. The important thing to focus on is the here and now.
Read 'What is friends with benefits?' and 'Can ex's still be friends?' they might help you avoid getting used seeing as that's what you're afraid might happen.
Don't do anything you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable doing.
My best advice to you would be to carrying on going at the pace you're going and if you'd like to be more than friends or know exactly where you and your ex stand then make it your mission to find out.
Read 'how to find out how someone feels about you' and 'tips on finding out someones true feelings for you' for more on this.
Remember, if you're meant to be together you will be in the end: whether it takes 1 week to realize that or 1 year, it's all the same.
Good luck!
Hi jade
ReplyDeletevery nice information
I need some advice please,,but can it be on my email I be very thankful
this my email ,, e.love492012@ Gmail.com
thanx a lot
Hi there
DeleteI will be contacting you soon.
If you need to make contact in the future please email me on lovelifeandrelationships@gmail.com .
Keep well!
Hi there
DeleteYour email address seems to be invalid. Please email me instead.
Thanks :)
Hello Jade,
ReplyDeleteMe and my ex girlfriend were together for over 3 years. She left saying she was tired of me treating the way that I did. She felt that her coworkers and our friends treated her better than I did at times. She figured the one person that she cared for the most and that wants to be with her should treat her 10x better than her friends, and she doesnt even have romantic feelings for them. I know how I was and I admit I was bad at times. I was very stubborn and would raise my voice at times. I didnt like it but it happened and I really really worked on it.Every time we had arguments, she would try to talk to me about it but I would always be very defensive and feel like she was attacking in a sense.I always felt bad about it but hardly ever expressed it by telling her sorry or making her feel special. She would always just kind of brush it to the side since she knew it wouldn't get resolved howd she would like it to be resolved. There were times I would try to get out of the relationship because I was angry and stubborn, which I was wrong, i know, and she would always tell me why am I taking the easy way out. SO basically what I am trying to say is through the course of 3 years, she would always fight for our relationship. I was a horrible BF and a sense where I didnt act out of love since for myself I was always trying to figure out how I felt as well. I always felt she made me happy but asked if I loved her or not. It wasnt until we actually broke up that things were clearer. I was able to see how I was acting which I couldnt while I was in the relationship and also I never really thought she would leave me. I also reacted to the breakup horribly. 2 weeks passed and She asked me to come over to picked up my stuff. While I was there,One thing led to another and my emotions got the better of me. I asked her if she ever did love me. She said she was never in love with me, but loved me as a person. She was just infatuated with me. She never saw me in her future which was hard for me to believe since we were apartment/house shopping a few months before together since her lease was up. I was already living with her in a sense since I had most of my stuff at her place and the rest at my parents place.Well I just left it at that because I honestly was hurting and thinking she might be confused and also was trying to respect what she wanted. I did the no contact thing for at least 1 month. Tried calling and texting her and she said she'd appreciate it if I would stop. 1 month has passed since then and I havent talked to her at all. The wounds are still fresh. It feels like just yesterday that we broke up, but I am trying my best to take care of my priorities. What do I do when I thought I was at least moving forward and making at least some progress on forgetting about her when recently I start waking up and the first thing on my mind is her and I am very sad. Crying sometimes as well. I hate being like this but I am who I am and when it comes to relationships, I tend to care more than I really show, especially when I have lost that person. Hope you can help me in anyway you can. Thanks
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting and for sharing your story. I really hope that I will be able to help you see things a little better.
I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I know that there is very little worse than the heartache of a long term relationship coming to an end and the feeling that you could have avoided it or been a better partner only makes that pain worse.
It's really unfortunate that so often we fall victim to the saying 'you never know how good something/someone is until you lose it/them.' This really seems to be the case here.
There is absolutely nothing you can do with regards to getting your ex to talk to you or make contact. It is really unfortunate that things ended and that you realized too late the mistakes you made and how you could have handled things differently but there is no way you can turn back time or change the way things turned out.
The only thing you can do is take a step back from the situation and give your ex time. I understand that she said that she didn't see you in her future and all of that but like you said that wasn't what it seemed like so it could have been a case of her saying what she felt at the time due to being hurt and upset by the break up. Break ups especially those where long term relationships are involved affect both the person who ended the relationship and the one who didn't equally negatively and the break up is still relatively fresh compared to how long you were together.
Like I said, give her time to heal and if she feels like she'd like to contact you or speak to you after a few more weeks or even months she will do that. If she feels that everything would be better or easier to handle if you don't have contact for now or however long then you're right to respect that.
I would suggest that if you really want her to know how you feel and to be able to think about everything while you're having time apart and no contact, write her a letter. I'm sure that you have her address or can drop off a letter without her seeing you (in her mail box, under the door, etc.) so if you feel that she doesn't know how you feel about her or that you didn’t get a chance to tell her that you're sorry or that you know where you went wrong (just as you explained perfectly to me in this comment) tell her all of it in a letter.
Writing her a letter has many advantages and benefits:
- It will allow her to know EXACTLY how you feel especially since you have a hard time expressing yourself
- It will allow her to listen to everything you'd like to say despite the fact that you're not really making contact. Another plus is that you won't be interrupted while getting your message across
- It will give you an opportunity to have closure in knowing that she will finally know exactly how you feel and can make a decision based on your true feelings that you may have not been able to tell her before
- It will give her something to think about even though you're not there.
continued below...
I really suggest you give a letter a shot. You don't have much to lose seeing as the relationship has already ended and you've already had no contact for a month.
DeleteIf you feel that it's best you don't give her a letter than I'd still suggest you write a letter to help you get your feelings, emotions and everything else off your chest so that you can move forward without hurting yourself any longer. Instead of giving her the letter you could burn it, bury it or tear it up.
In the meantime concentrate on bettering yourself as a person. Spend time doing what you enjoy: focus your attention and time on a hobby you enjoy, sport you enjoy playing or spending time with friends or those who care a lot about you. Having fun and concentrating your mind and energy on other things will help distract a little from your ex and make the emotional burden a little lighter.
I'm sorry again for what you're going through but please trust that it will get better soon. Time really does heal all wounds and everything will be okay.
Remain positive and keep looking up.
Good luck and God Bless
Jade, Thank you so much for replying. I was checking this everyday since I submitted it and thought it prob wouldnt get to you but I am glad that you did. I appreciate your time and your feedback. I wasnt just a 1-2 sentence response but a good one. I have been writing a letter ever since the breakup of how I feel and explanations and other things. Things just dont seem as happy without her and there are things I want to share with her daily that I wont be able to now. I am just taking it day by day. I will keep this update with any news. Thank you Jade
DeleteHi again :)
DeleteI’m glad if you found my response even a little helpful and hope that everything gets a whole lot better soon.
Taking each day as it comes is the right view on the situation.
I look forward to your updates and hearing tons of positive feedback.
Everything of the best.
Keep well!!
Hi Jade,
DeleteSo its been about 3 months, 4 days now since the breakup. Havent spoke to her really or anything. Ran into her once and we exchange some words but nothing that could be worth really mentioning. I did request somethings that she had of mine still and needed them back and she said she would get them to me. She just gave them to my friend. I got upset about that and everything in general and told her over a text that she was very insensitive and heartless about everything. And that she showed no regret and remorse of the relationship ending regardless of whos fault it was. And I left it at that. I sent that not seeking for her to talk back nor do I expect her ever to. I just needed to let her know how I saw things. Over this time period I have had alot of time to think about things. Sure it saddens me alot if I think about it but sometimes I cant help it. Memories just pop up when its related to things I'm doing or what not. Just dealing with it the best way I can. Eventhough she was the first one to unfriend me on facebook and other things, I noticed she has removed all of our photos which is to be expected, and I believe she is dating again. I have done I think the best thing for me right now and just completely blocked her on FB. I dont know what else to do but keep busy. The dagger pain in my heart still lingers but you are right, it lessens with each passing day, not by alot if any, but it does a tiny bit. Sometimes I have relapses where I get pulled right back to square one where I feel like we just broke up yesterday. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares where she is in my dreams and we are normal and together then she just leaves me. Sometimes it ruins my whole day but I try not to let it. I've lost a lot of friends in this whole breakup process because it is too hurtful to talk to them right now plus it has shown me in a way who my real friends are that care about me and what I am going through so in a way its a good thing. Plus I have made a few new friends. Just trying to figure out what life has next for me.
Hi again :)
DeleteThanks a lot for the update. I’m really sorry that everything is so hard for you :(
I know how horrible break-ups are and how long the pain can last.
You’re doing all the right things in moving forward (keeping busy, blocking her on facebook, making new friends) so keep it up and keep going.
Please read "Can you ever really forget someone" it might interest you.
Healing takes time. Just trust and believe that you will be okay in the end.
You’re gonna be okay. Just hang on in there.
Everything of the best.
*hugs*
Hi!! My ex boyfriend and I had been break up 1 month ago. We had been dating for 2 months (I know it's a short period). My ex boyfriend had a girlfriend even before we started our relationship and I had knew about it too. I know you think that I shouldn't be with him since he has girlfriend but I couldn't control myself from falling in love with him. We fall in love with each other. When we are dating, he had been requesting for break up with his girlfriend several times but she refuse to do so. When his girlfriend knew my existence, my ex told me that he wanted to break up with me which I agree too. But this only last for a week. We had reconcile again because both of us still love each other. After this, we do had arguments about him and his girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteWe are working together and we will talk and see each other everyday. It's hard for me to face with him since our break up. Recently, we had hang out together and he had mentioned about our break up thing. He asked whether my parents had knew about it and I told him that they haven't know about it. I told him to give me some time about it and he just kept silent about it. I don't understand why he wants to know about it since this should not be his concern anymore and why can't he voice out that I should tell my parents about it as fast as it could be.
During our hang out, we were very happy and the feelings is just like when we started our relationship. We talked and laughed the whole night. He does request that I sleep with him (Yes, we slept together prior to this)during our hang out but I had rejected him because he should do that with his girlfriend (Yes, the girl that I had mentioned above). He got a shock when I knew that he had reconcile with her.He then started to complain that he thinks his girlfriend is very weird. Before this when she try her very best to win my ex's heart back, she will put a lot of effort i.e try her best to put down her weight, be more caring and loving, call him often, etc. But now, she is back to her normal attitude. I told him if that the case then why you still want to be with her and you should break up with her. He replied me that he just drag the time which I don't understand the reason behind it. I know that they had been together for 5 yrs. My ex had been telling me that it's hard for him to break up with her due to their 5 yrs relationship. All this while, I had been pushing him to break up with her because he is a guy who is not firm on his stand.
I still love him but at the same having doubt on myself on whether how deep of my love towards him. My best friend told me that I had been too easy for him.
Do you think we have the possibility to be together?? Does he still love me instead of his girlfriend?? Or should I let go of this relationship?? I need help and advice...
Thank you..
Hi there
DeleteThanks for the comment and for sharing your story. I hope that I will be able to help.
I'm really glad that you're on the right track with regards to not sleeping with your ex. Sleeping with him while he's in a relationship would not only make you more of 'the girl on the side' but it would also allow him to have his current girlfriend and you while only being committed to one of you: like allowing him to have the best of both worlds. Please read about friends with benefits and make sure that you avoid being put in this situation at all costs.
A concern I have is that your ex seems to be encouraging a relationship and intimacy (like you said he wanted to sleep with you) while being in another relationship. This basically means that he doesn't value the relationship that he's in as a relationship and is thus willing to cheat. The fact that he's willing to cheat WITH YOU might mean that even if you did get back together with him and he broke up with the other girl he might cheat ON YOU with someone else too. This is not guaranteed to happen but is definitely worth thinking about.
You already know that it isn't the best thing to try and be with him while he's in a relationship as you mentioned in your first part of your comment so I'm not going to tell you that. I understand that you have strong feelings for him and that you feel that he has strong feelings for you too. I understand that you feel that your relationship was special despite the fact that it wasn't as long as the one he's had with the current girl. I think though that the fact that he began the relationship with you while being with the other girl allows him to think that he can do this again. You need to make it clear to him that this is not an option.
Like I said, you're doing an awesome job by making sure not to sleep with him while he's with this other girl keep reminding him that you want to be the only girl in his life. If he really cares about you as much as you care about him and as much as you think he cares about you he will leave this other girl no matter how long they've been together and be with you. If he can't do this then trust me it is not worth it.
I know it might hurt at first but it is really not worth putting someone first in your life when they're only going to put you second or lower down the list in theirs. When someone really loves you they will put you first no matter what.
Give him the option again but if he refuses to break up with his girlfriend or makes excuses then you have to move on. You will find someone who will love you with all their heart and put you first because that's where you deserve to be.
Good luck and God Bless
Good day
ReplyDeleteI have a serious problem getting over my ex boyfriend. i know he has moved on but for some reason i want him back. ive tried moving on and i had to end the relationship coz i felt like i was robbing the guy of a chance to be inlove and receive love. i go to his twitter and check his posts(not daily) the funny thing is he remembered my birthday and my boyfriend at he time didnt even remember until i called him. i even dream of him at night and i cant take it because i cant seem to move on coz i still miss him and have these unresolved feelings for him. he once ghave me a chnce to make up with him and he said he would leave his current girl but i just copuldnt give him an answer coz i had someone at the time(the guy i didnt want to rob of love). i break down sometimes when the feeling overwhelms me. ive asked friends to assist but no one seems to understand. i told him once that maybe if he told me he doesnt want me ior say something mean it might help and he just said i mustnt rtry to get over him coz hes not trying to either. ive asked God to bring him back to me and i feel like im being disrespectful to HIM but what do i do really? one guy told mje to just call him and tell him how i feel but im scared that he will reject me coz i sure think hes happy where he is.... what do i do really, i want him back but if io have to move on then how do i get over him?
Hello :)
DeleteThanks for sharing your story and for commenting.
Judging from what you’ve said about him telling you that he’d leave his girlfriend for you at one point and telling you not to try and get over him, it seems like he isn’t really over you either.
I’m not sure what the reason for your break up was but if it was something that could be worked on or fixed (as many things can) and there is still love and feelings between the two of you (as there seems to be) then there is still hope for your relationship.
I don’t know how long ago the break up happened or how long you were together before things ended but it seems like you really had very deep feelings for each other and that neither of you have really moved past that (not even your ex).
It was really responsible and considerate of you to have let the other guy go due to feeling like you’d be robbing him of love if you stayed. It would have been extremely unfair of you to have kept him hanging on and giving 100% of his love and attention when you didn’t feel like you were or could give the same back. It’s a pity that you didn’t let him go earlier – like when you’re ex told you that he’d be willing to let his girlfriend go for you.
The best advice I could give you is to think about everything:
• The reason for the break-up
• Whether or not breaking up was actually worth it
• Whether or not whatever it was that went wrong could be fixed or worked on
Read 'Should I take my Ex back?' to help you a little better with this. You need to decide whether or not it is better to move on or to try and fix your relationship before you can do anything else.
Secondly if you decide to try and fix things you need to know whether or not your ex feels the same way. If you are still on good talking terms with your ex it should be easy to talk to him and find out how he feels.
A good idea would be to arrange a little bit of a hang out to just spend some time together and talk in person. Please read 'how to tell how someone feels about you' and 'tips on finding out someone’s true feelings for you' for more on this.
continued below...
Thirdly, you need to find a way of moving forward.
DeleteIf you feel that your relationship cannot be fixed or you are willing to fix things but your ex isn’t then it is best to move on no matter how hard it is. Please read 'Why am I still in love with my ex? How long will it take for me to be over him/her?' for more help with this.
Break-ups can be extremely hard to deal with especially if deep feelings or commitments were involved. Love doesn’t just go away; it will always be there but with time the hurting fades away and the love changes.
Sometimes the biggest reason why people have a hard time moving forward is a lack of closure – they haven’t really closed off the situation: maybe you haven’t said everything you wanted to say to your ex or are not entirely sure why or how things ended. This could hinder the moving on process drastically. If you can obtain closure on the situation by finding these things out or expressing your feelings to your ex (on the past relationship, how things ended or how you still feel) you should be able to move on a little easier.
There are many ways that you could find these things out:
• Call your ex
• Arrange a final meeting for closure
• Write your ex a closure letter – read more about this here...
If you feel like you’d like to obtain closure without contacting your ex you could still write a letter expressing your feelings or thoughts (as if you were writing it to your ex) and telling your ex goodbye for good. You don’t need to give this letter to your ex but can burn it or tear it up instead. It would help you a great deal to get everything off your chest, out of your mind and burnt.
If you feel that your relationship can be fixed and your ex feels the same way then you need to move forward together; put the past behind you and work on your relationship together as a couple. Please read How to make a relationship work the second or third time around.
I really hope this helps at least a little.
Everything will work out in the end.
Good luck and God Bless
Hey, I need some advice. My ex and I broke up a month ago. Before we broke up we had the most perfect relationship ever ( coming from her after the break up). I made her really mad and she dumped me over text. Which the whole month before the break up we went ring shopping for an engagement ring and were serouis about getting married. We are both single parents. Right after the break up she starts dating her beat friend! And slept with him a week later! Over the past month she has gotten back with me three times! Once again she dumped me. Well she says she has feelings for her guy friend and they're going to take it slow. We agreed not to talk to each other at all two days ago. Well today she sends a text about her sister's baby shower gift and then I get sucked into a arguement with her. It got pretty childish on her part with telling me what she said with her guy friend and etc. she says she has no feelings for me at all, but a week ago when we got back together she said she loved me and the past times she's said that she didn't have feelings for me she said she made up. Well the her guy friend comes back in the picture and she dumps me again! To take things slow with him. My problem is I loved her a lot. It's hard to tell if she's serouis about this guy or is just mad at me and using him to make me jealous? I want her back, but she doesn't want to hear from me. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteHello there
DeleteThanks for commenting and contributing.
I’m not sure how long you were together before the break-up but taking into consideration the fact that you were almost engaged it seems that the relationship was very serious and/or long term.
I’m not sure about where your exes mind is right now with regards to her feelings for you and that of her feelings for the other guy. It seems to me like you’re not really broken up if you broke up a month ago and have gotten together 3 times since then. Maybe your relationship is just going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and either or both of you is a little confused with regards to your feelings. All relationships have rough patches and it’s due to this that many couples are in “on and off” or boomerang relationships (read more about this here).
I think that you might be onto something with regards to the fact that she may be using her best friend as a means to make you jealous although I can’t tell for sure. The fact that you’re supposed to be broken up but she’s still consulting you about a baby shower gift (that I’m assuming you're getting together or something) shows that maybe she doesn’t really consider things to be completely over. I’m not really sure about the nature of your conversation or how it ended in an argument. If you disagreed about something and then she brought the new guy into the picture in a 'that’s why I like Tom better’ kind of way then I think she may be using him as a means of trying to have her way with you.
Another thing leaning in the direction of her still having feelings for you and still seeing some hope in your relationship is the fact that you agreed to have no contact and to days later SHE broke that agreement. The baby shower thing may have just been an excuse to make contact with you.
There is no sure way of knowing how your ex feels or what’s going on in her mind. The only way would be to talk to her and find out whether or not things are over for good, what changed so drastically between the week that you went engagement ring shopping and now, and if she still sees hope in your relationship or has moved on for good. You could tell her that you need to know for closure so that you can move on if that’s what she wants: please read here for tips on how to ask her all of these or talk to her about them
I have faith in the fact that everything will work out and you will be able to know and understand exactly what’s going on really soon.
Everything of the best!
Hi well my question is that my ex has another boyfriend and i been telling her to return but she tells me she is not sure what can i do to get her back
ReplyDeleteHello :)
DeleteI think the best thing for you to do would be to let her know that you are there for her, that you care for her and that you think about her (which I’m sure you already have). You also need to give her space.
Be to her like an unconditional friend. When she’s having a hard time with anything (especially her new boyfriend – maybe when they have an argument or anything like that) show her your support and that you’re the person that will always be there for her and the person she needs to be with.
The fact that she tells you that she is unsure and not that she can’t, won’t or doesn’t want to means that she still has feelings for you and she’s thinking about being with you she’s just not sure if getting back together with you is the one thing she needs to do. I’m not sure how or why the relationship ended but this could possibly be the reason why she’s uncertain about getting back together with you.
If whatever went wrong the first time could be fixed or sorted out then she will definitely just need something that pushes her in the direction of taking you back. Something that will maybe be that ‘confirmation’ for her that you’re the one she needs to be with. Doing the things I mentioned earlier with regards to supporting and being there for her could definitely be just what she needs and she could possibly decide on being with you again.
There is nothing you can to do to make her decide to be with you, you can only show her all the reasons why she should be with you and help her decide to be with you on her own.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi!! My ex boyfriend had asking me out for a dinner since its been sometime we had our last dinner together (not too long it's just 2 weeks ago we had our dinner).. We actually had been break up 1 month ago but still meet each other due to working in the same company and also same department.. Do you think I should have a dinner with him?? He already has a girlfriend who he dated for 5 yrs.. Does he take this date as a friends date??
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteI'm not sure if I understand everything correctly but you say you broke up a month ago and that he's been with his current girlfriend 5 years. Does that mean he was dating you and the other girl at the same time?
If that is the case then I think that unless you would like to be the other woman it would probably not be the best of ideas to go to dinner with him. If he's been with you and his current girlfriend before he might just be trying to do that again.
You went to dinner with him not so long ago so you should be able to tell how his behaviour was at that dinner and decide based on that what you think his intentions for this dinner would be. Did he seem overly flirtatious? Did he appear to treat you as more than just a friend?
I'd hate for you to end up being the lady he's cheating on his girlfriend with, the other woman or the woman on the side so pleas e think about this carefully if you wouldn't like to be in a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with him.
If you do have a good friendship and your last dinner was nothing more than friendship: two friends having dinner together - then I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. You need to be sure though.
I'm sure that you will make the right decision.
Good luck :)
i need advice, i officially broke things off with my ex of 7 years, we have no kids but we had a great deeply loving relationship... i cut him off completely for almost a month now....because he seems confused and i need a confused man...i have been great for a month now not thinking about him talking with my new guy friend all was great for me.....but a few ppl in my life spoked to me recently and told me that he was the best guy i had and he may b the one for me and he was always there for me....which made me start feeling bad....i started missing him all of a sudden...so i reached out and had a brief convo...just to see if he alive..lol...but after that he reached out to me and said he really misses me and i never clouded his life and so on.....a part of me wants him back and a part of me dont....i still love him and miss him...but i feel his actions dont corresponds to his words...i am not sure what to do now..because i dont wanna call him and give him the upper hand, but i also feel like he just say things....i know he loves me but his actions arent enough...also he is successful attractive and has a lil money ...but i feel he has someone as well how will i know....and is this someone i should work things out with???? i feel like i need someone who dont know us to give me advice
ReplyDeleteHi Daniella! :)
DeleteThanks for the comment and for sharing your story. I hope you will find this response helpful.
Getting advice from friends and family or a complete outsider (like me) will not be enough to help you make a decision. Only you can decide what to do because you alone know how you feel about him, what went wrong in your relationship and everything that was right in it. No one can make the decision for you – only you alone can.
My best advice to you would be to measure the pros and cons with regards to your ex and the situation. Read 'Should I take my Ex back?' for more information on this.
Basically you need to weigh and list all the advantages and disadvantages / pros and cons of being with him. List the things you miss, the reasons why you want to be back with him and the things you feel are telling you that your relationship won’t work. Think about everything and make the right decision for you.
It seems like you have made a decision or thought you had already but let the influence of other people and what they were saying about their views on him and your relationship put doubts in your mind. The doubts could be validated and they could be right – 7 years is a really long time so your relationship must have been worth something – but they could also be wrong and just opinions. It’s up to you to make the final decision.
Erase everything everyone has said to you and only focus on you, your ex and your relationship.
If you feel that the past relationship could be fixed look at things like talking, communicating better and couples therapy / relationship counselling but if you think that there is no hope then move on.
I’m confident that you will make the right decision.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi I have a quick question on regards to this. I dated a girl and we, from what I could tell. were really in love. I tried my best to be there for her since she lived in an abusing household and she had been abused in the past as well. I gave here all of my heart and then some and we actually had plans of getting merried in a year and she got pregnant but had a miscarrage. Then suddenly we just hit a real rough pach and we were in and out of breaks from like 2 months until i finally said that we should call it off for a while. I actually thought we were going to maybe get back together but we did not. It has been about less then a year since this happened but she is dating this other guy and from what I've heard they have a rough realationship and he sometimes doesn't treat her right but she keeps going back to him over and over. I know I hurt her feelings when we broke up but I have apologized many times. Do you think there could be a possibility of her and I getting back together?
ReplyDeleteHi there :)
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story.
All relationships have their ups and downs but it’s often said that if the bad noticeably outweighs the good and the downs by far exceed the ups (as you may feel was the case in your situation) then it might be best that things end. Due to the fact that things were really not going well when you decided to end things, I don’t think that you should beat yourself up about it.
Sometimes it is best to take a break from each other for a few months to realize how much better things are when you’re together, that you need to learn to work through your problems and rough patches instead of running away from them and that no relationship is perfect.
It’s unfortunate that sometimes when you realize all of these things it’s too late and your ex may have already moved on or is too hurt to give your relationship another chance.
There is no sure way to say whether or not your relationship still has a chance of being fixed as it depends entirely on your ex’s feelings for you and whether or not she wants the relationship as badly as you do. In order for your relationship to work you both need to be dedicated to making things work or you’re just going to end up right back where you are now.
I understand that you feel that the current relationship she’s in is not a good one and that her boyfriend doesn’t always treat her that well but it has to be her decision to make the move away from him. I ‘m not sure whether or not you and your ex have had contact since the break-up or that she has any idea that you still care about her and would like to make the relationship work; if she doesn’t know how you feel you really need to tell her.
You could set up a “meeting” with her in the form of a hang out or catch up session (read more about this here). Talking about everything in person allows you the benefit of getting to tell your exes initial reaction to your feelings and you may feel like it will be easier to tell how she really feels about you by looking at her or watching her closely (her behaviour and/or body language.
If you feel that she might not agree to meeting up with you or that things are a little too complicated to do that you can opt for communication via your phone or a letter.
If you decide to go with your phone then please be sure to call instead of text (read more on this here). Sending a text often leaves you wondering whether or not your ex received the message, whether or not someone else saw it, etc. By calling you’re sure that your ex knows how you feel and you’re able to have her reply to everything you tell her immediately. When you call you should always do so from another number (not your number or a number she has stored) or hide your caller ID. This usually helps in that if your ex for any reason doesn’t answer the call (maybe she doesn’t hear her phone, is busy or anything else, you won’t feel like she might be avoiding you or not taking your calls.
Another alternative is a letter. Letters are really a great way of expressing yourself as they allow you to say everything you want to say without being interrupted, after thinking everything through and in a romantic kind of way. Read on writing a letter to your ex (how to structure it and all its advantages) here.
Remember: the first step in knowing if your relationship could work out is by knowing how your ex feels about you and the situation and by making sure that she knows how you feel about everything.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi!! I just hang out with my ex boyfriend yesterday. During our dinner, I had mentioned about our current relationship because my friends and her boyfriend told me that both of us seems to be very close again. It's just like before both of us dating. I told them we won't be together anymore as I had given up in these relationships plus he too already got girlfriend. I told my ex regarding this too. He told me for him its okay for him as he now feel good towards our relationship and for him this seems too slow to be friends back. I told him for me it's not slow, it's too fast for me. I do said that he can recover that fast but not for me.. He told me he already felt satisfied when he can see me in the office everyday, smiling and talking. I told him that's for u not for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why he said he already felt satisfied being look at me like that. Is that the way he love me?? I really confused as I thought he already move on.
During our dinner yesterday, I suddenly not feeling well. He insist want to accompany me to clinic but I keep on refuse him as I said I can do it on my own. At last, we went too. In the car, he hugs me and massage me so that I can feel better. The expression of him at the moment was really caring and feel worry. I wanted to push him away while he hugs me but I can't cz at that time I was too weak. When he accompanied me to clinic, he actually has date with his friends but he doesnt let me know. He always like that. Whenever we hang out, he won't let me know he has date with his friends.
I really confused. I thought he had moved on. Is he trying to want me back?? I keep on tell myself he is not..
Hi Jade,
ReplyDeleteAfter a 4+ year relationship, my girlfriend moved and we began starting a long distance relationship. She was very busy and I had time over the 1st month to analyze everything (ad nauseum), I grew jealous and fearful that she was pulling away because it felt like she had been over the course of the previous 2 years. She had kept her friends separate at times and excluded me from functions, and I often chopped that up to her needing her people and space, but I still complained because it bothered me.
Moving ahead to last month, we had been having poor communication over the phone and like a fool, I began pressuring her or taking things out on her to elevate some sort of response, that response was exhaustion and depression for her believing she caused me grief. She pulled the trigger and broke up with me and within a day, I realized how incredibly stupid and selfish I was about everything. I looked back and did remember that we spent plenty of time together even though she was a work-aholic, and I don't feel I'm necessarily romanticizing my memories because I have come to the conclusion that I broke us so she broke up with me.
Since then, she told me she wants me to move on and after the first painful week I decided to give her space. I didn't call her from sunday-sunday, but on Monday morning she called me, in distress about a roommate issue, in tears, and has since had a back-and-forth with me on emails, but about more routine things involving formailities and that she has to return for a legal issue. I keep things cool over the phone now, don't send her messy emails because I've seen how ridiculous it is, but I can tell she's still upset and she keeps it short and a bit cold on the phone. Does this mean it's over? It's been 4 weeks, the first doesn't count because I still tried to convince her we could get it right, the last 3 have been smoother. I plan to keep giving her space, because frankly, we are at a distance until she visits her family in late December. Does it sound like she's over me? Is she keeping it cold and short on the phone and email because she is seeing someone else or wants me at bay? When she visits she's having someone else pick her up and hasn't asked for my help concerning the legal issue though I have offered if she needs anything. I really don't know what to make of it, 3 weeks can be short or long depending on who the person is.
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story. I hope that I will be able to help you at least a little.
I’m really sorry about your break-up and the fact that you’re having a really hard time dealing with it. Break-ups can be extremely hard especially those regarding long term relationships. The longer the relationship; the harder dealing with the break-up usually is.
Long distance relationships can be extremely hard to handle and deal with, couple that with going from an ordinary distance relationship to a long distance one suddenly and you’re bound to have some adjustment problems.
The problems you experienced after your girlfriend moved are understandable and somewhat expected but the way you dealt with them unfortunately caused things to fail. Things could have probably been okay had you discussed how you felt with her and maybe she would have been understanding about everything and things could potentially have been sorted out.
Feelings of jealousy or slight clingyness are not uncommon in relationships ( read here for more on this: How to stop being clingy or needy: Problems with being over-clingy in relationship) and are something that can be worked on with the understanding of the one partner and an effort from the other. These feelings can be made worse though or amplified when a long distance relationship is suddenly part of the situation (read the disadvantages of long distance relationships here ).
I understand that you were having poor communication or communication problems and unfortunately this was during the time when you needed it most.
Sometimes it does take something as dramatic as a break up or something for us to realize where our mistakes were, where we may have over-reacted or what we should have done differently; it’s clear that this is currently the case with you.
The fact that she called you to express her sadness and upset with regards to the roommate situation she was dealing with demonstrates that she hasn’t completely moved on. Four years is a really long time. When you’re with someone for that long you find comfort in them, refuge in them and they become a part of your life. Love (4 years deep in especially) won’t go away after a week or two or four (if ever). She obviously still (at the time of telling you about the problem she was having) found / finds comfort in you. If I get what you’re saying it seems like she told you everything about the roommate last week (Week 1 you tried to get her back, week 2 there was no contact and week 3 she called, this is week 4). If it was last week or a week ago I really don’t think her feelings for you could have changed much in around a week. The fact that she would turn to you when she was really upset means that you’re still in her heart and on her mind.
continued below
I think you’re right to give her space and a little distance. The fact that you spent the whole first week trying to convince her that you could make it work means that she should know how you feel about her. She’s choosing to keep contact with you (the fact that she contacted you after you stopped making contact and that you’re emailing each other) whether some of it is cold or not doesn’t matter; this doesn't seem to be leaning towards the fact that she’s over you.
DeleteWith regards to her seeming cold or being brief on the phone and email, it could be due to the fact that she’s still upset and you know that that’s why you mentioned it in your post. You know her better than me or anyone else so you should know why she’s acting the way she is. Three weeks with regards to healing over a break-up is relatively short. In my opinion, the fact that she’s been keeping contact with you for the past 2 weeks shows that she still wants you in her life in some way. Whether or not she wants to get back into a relationship with you (right now or again) is something that the two of you would need to figure out. It seems like it could go either way.
I think that you need to give the whole thing time. I understand that it hurts really badly not knowing what’s going on but there’s nothing much you can do right now. I’d suggest you give the whole thing time and keep contact until she comes to visit her family and then see if you can get a date / meeting set with here in order to find out what’s really going on between the two of you and whether or not there is still hope for you.
For now I think you need to make sure she knows how you feel about her: that you still care, that you miss her, that you’ll always be there for her, that you still love her, etc. You need to let her know how you feel without pressurizing her or making her feel like she needs to say or do something about it. Read Sweet or romantic text messages to send to an exgirlfriend and Romantic things to say / do to get your exgirlfriend back for more on how to do this.
Good luck and God Bless.
Hang on in there, 3 weeks is a really short space of time. There is still hope.
Thanks so much for putting so much thought and time into my situation. I really appreciate it. I think you're right. She knows how I feel and where I stand at this point so all I can do is give her time and space. How she feels is out of my control. At the very least, I hope I will learn from my mistakes in the future. Honestly, she deserves better than me, and I want to get to a point where I'll be happy for her with whatever decision she makes, even if that means she will find someone new. In the mean time I will just work on myself and handle my own responsibilities.
DeleteHi again :)
DeleteIt’s only a pleasure.
You’re spot on with regards to learning from your mistakes. It’s just so unfortunate that more often than not we have to learn the hard way.
You’re also precise with regards to working on yourself. It’s often said that in a relationship your partner shouldn’t be called you other half; they should be called your other whole – because it takes two WHOLE people to make a relationship work. You can’t try and have a great relationship with someone else when you’re not completely happy with yourself or have issues you haven’t worked on within yourself first.
Keep your head up and remain positive – everything will be okay :)
Hi!! Recently, my ex boyfriend and I are getting closer.. We just break up a month ago.. We were flirting with each other and sometime we do touch each other too.. We have been minimize our touching.. My best friend who is also our mutual friend does told me that I seem to be happy whilst he seem to be relieved for current situation now.. I do feel that too as we are now happy and enjoy each other company.. Few days ago, he had mentioned to me regarding my stuff that had left in his house and I asked me to pack it for me and he agreed about it.. I told him to return to me the next day.. He then asked why do I need to be that rush.. I told him isn't that is good and I do asked couldn't you wanted to keep it in ur house forever.. He just laughed.. He then said that wait till he is free then he will pack it for me.. I don't understand this.. What is his intention for doing so?? He already has girlfriend.. Yesterday, we had a chat in the office.. Yes, we are working together... He told me about his family affair.. I don't get it as well.. When we break up, he told me that he will stop from talking to me about his affair but he failed to do so.. During our chat, we talked about our leave.. I told him that I will be taking leave for a week and when he heard about it, he feel upset and disappointed.. All this while, whenever I'm not in the office, he will feel demotivated from working.. For him, being seeing me in the office is making him feel satisfied already.. Till now is also the same as he told me that when I told him that I felt to fast being us back to normal again..
ReplyDeleteI still owe him a meal as he had helped me doing some stuff.. When I told him about that, he told me its okay.. He does not want me to repay him but I told him that I don't want to owe him that meal forever.. I do told him that it's better to clear it off all those 'debt' between us.. His expression had changed when he heard about it.. He then said "do you need to be like that?? Why do you need to be make it so clear as like cutting ties between us??".. I just kept silent about it..
Btw, last week when I mistaken him being date with his friend, he clarify with me that he actually didnt date with his friend.. He told me that he went to buy some stuff.. I don't get what is his intention.. He does not need to clarify with me those things right?? We are no longer couple.. We are just friends.. Isn't that has crossed the barrier??
Hi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting and sharing your story :)
It really seems like your ex still has very deep feelings for you. I understand that he has another girlfriend and everything but there is a difference between being in a relationship with someone new and dating them on the rebound (which is what I think your ex might be doing).
It seems like he is trying to hang on to your stuff as a way of prolonging you getting them back. This could be done for numerous reasons:
Firstly he might be hoping that you get back together and having your stuff still gives him hope of this.
Secondly it gives him a future reason to see you. He could basically be keeping it as a form of insurance so that he still has a reason to see you in the future. If he gives it to you he might not have another “excuse” to meet up with you.
With regards to you taking leave, this is sometimes the case. It seems like (and you mentioned this too) he is satisfied with at least seeing you or being with you at work. This allows him to have you in his life at least in some kind of way. It’s probably a really weird or exaggerated way to describe this but it’s almost like you’ve become his motivation or encouragement for going to work. He could wake up on certain days and think 'I don’t want to work today' but knowing he’ll see you there gives him encouragement to drag himself out of bed and go to work. He’s definitely still majorly attracted to you.
What you said about him getting mad and asking you why you’re being that way and cutting ties is exactly the reason why I told you that he’s hanging on to your stuff. It’s like he doesn’t want to lose you completely. The fact that you kept quiet when he asked you means that you don’t want to lose him completely either and that you too still have feelings for him. If you were confident that you wanted to move on without him you would have been able to tell him that it’s best to cut ties to move on but you couldn’t which means you don’t really feel that way or you’re not sure.
I don’t understand why he’d want to explain why he was with his friend and that he wasn’t on a date but he has a girlfriend – shouldn’t he be trying to explain or justify why he’s with another girl while he still has feelings for you?
You right though, that is a major clue. He still feels like he wants to be with you and that’s why he feels like he needs to explain or justify things to you. There are still feelings there.
I think that you both have feelings for each other and it would be best if you addressed your feelings and decided what you want to do going forward. Discussing and talking about everything would make the situation a whole lot less confusing for the both of you.
If you’re not sure about your feelings for him read 'Should I take my ex back' . It may help a little.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi! So My ex and I broke up at the end of summer before going off to college. Our relationship was getting a little bumpy near the end of the summer because he had anxiety about trying long distance (we are 6 hour drive apart). Anywho, we ended up breaking up. And i told him about a letter i was going to send him but then he didnt bother coming home to say goodbye to me before i moved out so i ended up shredding it. But then he contacted 4 days after the break up and we video chatted for a bit. He brought up old times and later told me his feelings came back when he saw me on video chat... we talked on and off and then 3 weeks later he asked about the letter and i told him i'd shredded it.. he wasn't happy with that.. so i told him i could write another one, and he gave me his address and made sure i got it right and everything. I sent it almost 3 or 4 weeks ago and haven't heard from him.. I dont know what to do.. We both wanted to stay as friends.. I tried following up with him about if he'd gotten the letter but he never replied. Not sure if he will ever or if he just needs time? Should i tell him how im feeling? I dont want to get back together but i find it strange that he'd ask for a letter (it talked about all our good memories and how I'll never forget him and stuff) but then not acknowledge the letter that he asked for in the first place.. saying that that not having that letter would seal us never getting back together...
ReplyDeleteHello there :)
DeleteThanks for commenting.
I’m not entirely sure what may be going through your exes mind with regards to the letter but there are two things you need to consider:
- Did he in fact get the letter?
Have you spoken to him at all since it? I know it might seem a little impossible but there is a really slim chance that it got lost in the mail and he never received it at all. The fact that he seems to be avoiding talking about it though seems like he must have gotten it.
I’m not sure if you’ve spoken to him at all since the letter though. If you have then maybe he has gotten it but doesn’t know what to say in reply to it. If you haven’t spoken to him at all then there’s still a chance he didn’t get it.
- Have you been texting?
By the fact that you say he doesn’t reply it seems like you’re texting – Don’t text!
It’s important to avoid texting when it comes to important things such as first time contact with an ex, asking an important question or addressing an important matter such as the letter. Texts leave you with many mysteries and wonders: did he get the text? Did someone else read the text before him and delete it? Is he avoiding me?
By calling (especially if you hide your ID or use a number other than yours) you will get to speak to him straight away and he’ll answer whatever it is you feel you need to ask him.
Please read 'Making Contact'
My best advice would be to give him one last shot to answer you and call him or video call him. If you’ve tried this already (or try it and get nowhere) and still haven’t gotten anywhere then you need to just leave him be for now. Give him some time to think everything through and cut all contact completely. You’ve already said all you can say in the letter so the ‘balls in his court now’ – it’s all entirely up to him to make the next move.
Don’t occupy your mind with thinking about what he thinks about the letter because in honesty you didn’t really care to begin with right? – That’s why you shredded it. Remind yourself that you shredded the letter and put yourself back in that mind-set. You can do it.
Focus your attention and time on other things like college, friends, hobbies, etc. Once you start focusing on other things he’ll come around and you can take things from there.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I read your article and my ex shows most of the signs...I broke up with him 2 months ago because I felt he didn't really wanted to be with me , he seemed ok with the break up...I tried to start talking to him a month after the break up and he emailed me blaming things on me, that things didn't work out cause of me. In a way he was right. I said sorry and we have text once or twice after that. Now after 2 months and a half he doesn't even answer my texts. Is there a way to get him back? or I should just move on. I reaally miss him.
ReplyDeleteHi there :)
DeleteThanks for commenting.
I’m sorry about your break-up and how things are going at the moment.
It seems like by the way your ex has been behaving (blaming everything on you, being okay with the break-up to begin with and now not returning your messages) you may have been right with your initial reason for breaking up with him.
Sometimes people stay in a relationship unhappily waiting for or hoping that the other person will notice or feel the same way and end things because they're too cowardly to do it themselves. This could have been the case with your ex.
I know this must be really hard for you and that you miss him but the fact that you acknowledge that most of the signs are there and all that you've said doesn't even hint a little that he'd like to fix things - you know as well as I do that there isn't much hope in the situation right now.
I think that the best thing for you would be to try and move on as hard as that might be. Take some time off from thinking about your ex and occupying your mind with him. Spend time with friends, family members and those who care and occupy your time with hobbies or sport. The less you think about your ex the less it will hurt. If he does contact you trying to work things out that would be awesome and sort of like a bonus but don't make that your main life goal or focus.
Try and stop yourself from calling, texting or mailing your ex. Every time you think about your ex try and consciously tell yourself that you'd be better off thinking about someone or something else.
I'm not saying that he has absolutely no feelings for you and never will again (sometimes peoples feelings change with time and he could end up realizing how much he misses you a few months down the line) but right now it would be best for you to move forward a little.
You're going to be okay.
You need to do this for you.
Like the saying goes ' if you love someone let them go, if they come back it is meant to be, if they don't it never was."
Good luck and God Bless.
Hi! Great advice you are giving people. Maybe you can help me out. I am really confused if my ex is still interested in me or not. We had a two year relationship that ended about 7 months ago. Our last contact was about two months ago, where she rejected me when I asked her out. During the seven months, she has constantly asked about me to my cousins, and even mutual friends. Also, she is asking if im dating anybody etc. Most recently, Saturday was my birthday and I was out of town to celebrate with my family, and she was attending another party where my cousin was there. She says this to him "Today is Michael's bday" with a sad puppy dog face to him. He replies so? Call him? So she sent me a text message that said "Hey. Happy Birthday!" To me, all of this indicates she is still interested. But yet she treats me as if I don't exist. What gives? Help!
ReplyDeleteHey Michael :)
DeletePlease scroll down for a reply to your post.
Thanks!
Hi! My ex and I had broke up two months ago. It's seems hard for me to let go him although I had been trying my best. The main problem was whenever I want to move on, somehow my ex will give me those mix feelings. Sometime, I had been wondering is it that coincidence or what. It's really confusing me. The reason we broke up is because he felt that me and him are from different world. He said that I was too perfect for him and he does not suit for me. He has a girlfriend now and their relationship are not a rebound. We are now friends as he asked for it and we do hang out for dinner sometime. We also see each other everyday.
ReplyDeleteToday, I just had dinner with him. When we were in the car, only then I knew that his guy friend had asked him out for dinner but he didn't join him. I asked him why didn't he told me earlier so that I wouldn't agree to had dinner with him. He said that it's different having dinner with his guy friend and with me as he said I'm female whilst his friend is male. It's not the first he had done so. Before we started dating, he too does the same thing too. It's really confusing me. During our dinner, he does talks about our past like places that we had hang out before, things that we do. When he wants to mention his girlfriend, he refers her as 'that person' which I don't get it. Why wouldn't he said my girlfriend? Well he seldom mention of her in front of me. Only when I mention, then only he would said a little bit. He also suddenly asked me a few weird question too. He asked me about how would I like to have for my wedding in the future. I looked at him with a weird expression and I asked him why he would want to know. All he replied was asking for my opinion. I don't get what is his intention of asking this. He also asked me whether I had worried regarding my period that had been late for few days as we do sleep before. I told him that why should I worry as I can buy pregnancy test and he said "are you really bought it?".. I told him that i didn't bought it and if I do buy and the results shows that I'm pregnant, I will haunt him. I do told if I do pregnant, I will abort it although I know its bad. But I haven't ready to be parent yet. He then said "why do you want to abort it as this is a gift from God and u might be happy for having it.. Did you know that there are people that wanted to have kids but couldnt have?"... I don't seem to get what is he trying to hint me... Didn't these seems weird?? I mean as a friend shouldn't him asking me those things right??
He also asked me whether i plan to move out frm house a nt as he wants to move out too.. Isnt it weird to ask me such question? Sometime, he will ignore me but sometime he would not. This goes same to me too.. I was wondered were both of us trying to play mind games with each other?? I thought he had moved on as he already had girlfriend and I do tell myself that I also must move on too. But whenever I wanted to move on, something like these will happen.. It's been two months already.. Deep inside my heart, I still care, love and miss him but I always stay strong, happy and confident in front of him. This is really torturing me.. What should I do and what does he trying to hint me??
Hi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting :)
It really seems that your ex still has feelings for you; he made this clear by choosing to spend time with you over his friend. The comments he makes and his curiosity in your future wedding and 'if you were pregnant' all lean in this direction too. I don’t know how long you were together before the break-up but it’s clear that the feelings you had for each other haven’t disappeared completely.
That being said, the fact that he obviously still has feelings for you doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get back together again. You mentioned the fact that he has a girlfriend and that their relationship isn’t a rebound one. I’m not sure how you can be sure that his relationship isn’t on the rebound but I will trust that you have a good reason for saying that. Two months isn’t a really long time to develop major feelings for someone especially if he was with you for a longer time than two months before the break-up. With regards to his current relationship and still holding on to having one with you even if it is a ‘friendship’, it seems to me that even though he has someone else in his life, he either still has deeper feelings for you and thus doesn’t want to lose you or he wants to have the best of both worlds (have someone else and still keep you around in some way – even as a friend – so that he doesn’t lose you completely.
If you are okay with having the kind of relationship you have with him now (somewhat of a friendship where you spend time together – and he makes time for you like he did choosing to have dinner with you and not his friend – then that’s okay. There are advantages and disadvantages to this though so you need to be entirely sure whether or not it’s what you want.
Continued below
Advantages of the current situation:
Delete- If you still have feelings for him (which I think you do) his current situation allows you to still have him in your life and spend time with him.
- It allows you to better understand and judge his feelings for you.
- You’re not entirely sure about how he feels about you and he may not be sure how he feels about you and the new girl either so by spending more time with you he might be able to fully realize that he prefers his current relationship or that he wants to be with you instead again. No matter what he decides it would allow you time to move on - whether with him or without him.
Disadvantages of the current situation:
- He is now able to have the best of both worlds (as previously mentioned) or to ‘have his cake and eat it too’. This is evident in the fact that he gets to have a new girlfriend or another woman in his life and have you still being a part of his life too – spending time with you and having dinner with you.
- You need to understand that even if you haven’t been kissing or making out, etc., you could still be at risk of being in a ‘friends with benefits’ (also read can exes be friends) relationship because sometimes emotional connections, relationships and affairs can be just as major if not more so than physical ones (read more here). He may have a physical relationship with the other girl and an emotional one with you.
- Knowing that he can still have you in his life without dating you and while being with someone else could make him less likely to want to fully commit to you. It’s like – why would he want to leave his new girlfriend to be with you when he could have you both (in some way)?
Your situation is rather complex. My best advice to you would be to do what works best with you. If you’re okay with how things are now then go with it – you never know what the future holds. If the current situation makes you feel uneasy then change it – tell him you can’t just be friends with him.
The important thing is to make a decision that will work well for you, remember; if you’re meant to be together – in the end you will be: NO MATTER WHAT.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Hi. My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. Later in our relationship we argued all the time to the point where she got fed up. So she broke up with me, so she can be happy and got with someone else. I was devastated! So I got back with my ex and she found out from someone else and she text me saying "I hope he treats you better this time" and then four hours later in the morning she texted me saying "You're doing the wrong thing". But I didn't respond.
ReplyDeleteSo during our convos, I acted like everything was great and I eventually congratulated her on her new relationship and she didn't say thank you or anything. Then, I told her that I might be pregnant by my ex and she said that I shouldn't have gotten back with him and get an abortion. She loves kids, why say that? I told her that i'm going to take a test soon to find out. She said ok and I didn't hear from my ex since.
Recently, I found out that she's not doing so well. She's been angry, sad, not eating, drinking, smoking and she was about to have a breakdown. She might be seeking help right now, i'm not so sure.
I just don't understand. She's the one who dumped for someone else, so why she's miserable and i'm doing ok? I miss her alot and I do want her back. I've made no contact with her. I want her to reach out to me. Thanks for reading.
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story. I hope that everything is going a whole lot better now.
I have dedicated an entire post to answering your questions and replying to your comment. Please read here...
Good Luck and God Bless
I'm currently separated from my wife. No paperwork has been filed but we live seperately. We have a two year old son together. It was my fault that our marriage ended in a separation. But she refuses to separate from me or divorce. She tells me she likes this guy but she doesn't "oficially" date him. On the other hand she spends time w me sometimes holds my hand and caresses my hair or cheek. On a rare occasion sleeps with me. My problem is that we have that feeling of awkwardness and also start to have fun afterwards. But then I feel like her pride gets in the way of us fixing it and the other guy is in the picture also... I'm lost and confused what in the world do I do?
ReplyDeleteHi there
DeleteThanks for commenting.
I hope that your current situation improves drastically really soon and have full faith that it will.
I have replied to your comment in a full post over here...
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Michael :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting and contributing to this side.
I think you’re right to feel that she’s still interested in you. The thing is this; the relationship you were in was a long term one – long term relationships involve deep feelings and take longer to get over. All break-ups are hard but long term relationships are worse. Love is forever – it doesn’t go away. Once you really love someone (which is more often than not the case in long term relationships) that love will never go away. It might fade a little as years pass or you form a relationship with someone new but no amount of months (7 months in your case) days or years will ever make it go away or disappear.
Of all the signs there are that your ex isn't completely over you, remembering your birthday is likely to be one of the deepest. It really does go to show that you are still on her mind a lot (more than you think) and even though she might not say it or admit it; it’s clearly the case.
I can’t tell you why your ex ‘treats you like you don’t exist’ but it could have something to do with her current situation or the relationship you shared. I don’t know why things ended or how but if she got hurt badly due to the break-up or causing the break-up she might still be harbouring painful feelings and may not be ready to fully forgive you or let you know that she still cares.
Her current situation regardless of the relationship or how it ended may also play a role in her current attitude. If she’s in a new relationship at the moment it would make her reluctant to open up to you. Her pride or ego might also be getting the better of her resulting in her withholding her true feelings for you from you.
The fact that you’ve already asked her out and she turned you down means that it probably wouldn’t be the best thing to ask her again straight away. My best advice to you would be to see if you can get contact going with her. She basically initiated contact (with or without intentionally doing it) with the birthday message, so you need to maintain and build on it. It might be hard and she may or may not seem cold or cut off initially but it’s worth a try. I’m not sure what you replied with regards to the birthday message but hopefully you left room for future communication.
An important thing to remember is to try and elude topics regarding the relationship; what went wrong, how much you want her back, etc. from all conversations. If you do talk about the relationship again let it be in a very long time from now or have her initiate the topic in conversation. Concentrate on being her friend right now. Try and get communication to that level if you can and next time you ask her out make it seem less like a date and more like a fun hang out. The following articles will help you:
Sweet or Romantic text messages to send to an ex
Does my ex want me back quiz
Signs that your ex wants you back
Romantic things to say or do to get your ex back
Good luck and God Bless
hello, i had a boyfriend who loved me to DEATH for abput about 8 months. We broke up because i moved far away and we eventually began to drift, not gonna lie i did always mess up when we were together. However hes turned really boring since we broke up never really wants to talk really blunt and just quite hostile. However when i made a status about an amazing day i had with someone else he all of a sudden wanted to know how i was going. After that one conversation we've gone back to not speaking again. Im stuck here hoping we can get back together its driving me crazy
ReplyDeleteHi there:)
DeleteIt’s clear that you’re on the right track with regards to getting his attention. A lot of guys seem to take notice when a girl appears to be doing okay without them, getting attention elsewhere or moving on. It’s where the classic game of ‘making my ex jealous’ comes in.
Carry on doing what you’re doing: go on with your life, be happy, meet new people – let him know that. The happier you are without him in your life; the more he will want to be in it.
It’s great that you now have contact – utilise it to your benefit. Be the person he fell in love with. Let him see your fun and happy side. Make him remember what an awesome person you are and how much fun you are to be with. If you’re brave enough and you haven’t see each other in a while (or even if you have) – set up a CASUAL fun catch-up date and allow him to fall back in love with you or use it as a way of seeing his true feelings for you at the moment.
Read 'Tips on finding out how he feels about you part 1' and 'Tips on finding out how he feels about you part 2' for more on this.
If you both still have deep feelings for each other and are willing to do all you can to make it work, trust me, there is still hope for your relationship so don’t throw in the towel just yet.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Thank you so much for your piece of advise however,he messaged me out of no where the other night explaining how hes misses me so much and acts like he doesn't care because its hard being friends when he still loves me and knows he cant have me. Expressing the fact hes only slept with 2 other girls because he doesn't feel the same with other girls as he did with me.I then too also said how i felt. He then arranged to take me out because i was in his city for 2 weeks he then messaged me the day after saying he wont be able to see me when i come down an hes "busy" for those 2 weeks. I then begin constantly trying to talk him to see if he would change his mind about seeing me. So i came to realize that i was forcing the relationship to much and stopped talking. I think today he realized im no longer bothering and he deleted me off messenger. Does he actually not care or are these cruel mind games?
ReplyDeleteHello again :)
DeleteIt's only a pleasure :D
I think that you were right to stop talking. There is no way that he could be busy for the whole two weeks and even if he was, if he wanted to see you badly enough – trust me he would. He knows that you’re only going to be there for a certain period so if he really wanted to see you or cared enough about you he would make a plan and see you no matter what.
It seems like maybe he was all set to see you and everything but backed out for some reason. I'm not sure if he had a sudden change of heart or just got really nervous at the thought of seeing you again especially after all he told you with regards to his feelings.
It could be one of three things:
• Either he said all of those things with regards to still having feelings for you and everything because he didn’t think he would see you again anytime soon,
• He said all of those things because its how he really feels but he’s nervous about seeing you again after having opened up to you
• Or he does have feelings for you in some sort of way but doesn’t feel ready to be in a relationship with you again and is worried that if he sees you again it would lead to that or you would want that.
It doesn’t really make much sense to think that he would actually miss out on seeing you at all for the whole two weeks that you’d be in town based on being nervous or whatever but there is a slight possibility. The third possibility is the most likely.
I think that he made it evident that he has been seeing and sleeping with other people and whether or not it’s really only been two people is a different story. You know whether or not he’s likely to lie about that so you know whether or not you believe him. I think that despite how he feels about you and whether or not he does care about you deeply, he may feel that he’s not ready to be in a relationship with you (or maybe with anyone at all) and maybe that is why he doesn’t want to see you. He probably thinks that after expressing how he feels about you to you, you might expect the two of you to get back together again or something and maybe that is not what he wants right now or for as far as he can see.
My best advice to you would be to keep doing what you’re doing. Like I said, you were right to stop talking to him so keep doing that. You wouldn’t be helping the situation or making yourself feel any better by trying to convince him to meet with you or hoping that he does. It is his decision to make and if he won’t take the time to meet with you no matter how ‘busy’ he is or whether or not he’s nervous or anything else then he really doesn’t deserve your time in any case.
You have told him how you feel about him and if he was honest about how he feels about you and really feels that way he will contact you and meet with you. If he was lying about it or anything then you deserve better.
Leave him alone: don’t make contact, don’t call and don’t tell him when you arrive. If he wants to see you he will. If he doesn’t see you then it’s his loss.
If he doesn’t see you when you do go over for the two weeks then you should really think long and hard about speaking to him or having a relationship with him after the two weeks are over. Chances are that after the two weeks he may contact you and message you and everything again knowing that you can’t see him and everything. Keep in mind that an emotional relationship is just as major as a physical one and you don’t want to end up his emotional affair or friend with benefits.
Make the right decision for you.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Jade... How are you. I like you advices and was hoping you could help me. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. It was mostly my fault. I stopped being the woman he deserved and fell in love with. We dated 2.7 years and got an apartment together. We still live together because our lease is not due till next year. I miss our love and him. I want to work things out and be a better woman for him. But he said he doesn't want to work it or be with me. It's a hard pill to swallow. We had talked about marriage. He went to look at rings with his mom. Some of our friends know we split but not all. Our families still don't know. He hasn't told them. We still do somethings we did as couples such as: eat dinner together, watch tv, go out to movies, visit his family, hang out with our friends, sleep in the same bed(sometimes we’re intimate other times no). I am all confused by it. I haven't asked him about getting back together in over a month. But that's all I want. I am trying to change my attitude and have him see it. But I have a feeling he has fallen out of love. Please advice me. I'm losing my mind. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHello :)
DeleteI'm Blessed thanks! Hope you are well.
Thanks a lot for contacting me. I’m glad that you find my advice useful.
I’m sorry about your break-up :(
I've replied in a full post. Please read here for a full reply to your comment and the advice I have for you.
Good luck and God Bless!
Can I please get some advice, ok i have been split up from my ex for just over 2 months, i ended it with her in an argument(regret it now-didnt mean it at the time, the thing is we work together to, i see her twice a week briefly, she talks to me like a friend, she never asks how im doing or what have i been up to, just hope your paying your bills, hope your going to college, you know kinda like she feels sorry for me, she told me she has feelings still but was unhappy for some time toward the end of the relationship, im in bits and have tried to get her back loads of times, i even left her for a while, seems all she does now is go out drinking and has fun with friends, i would be heart broken if she has moved on this quick, we were together 3 years, i dont know what to do, she never contacts me and it seems she doesnt care, even though she said all the feelings are still there, i asked her to try, im willing to try, i know i can make it work but she has no hope at all, i hurt her bad when i ended it and im in denial, she cant seem to forgive me for ending it, would kill for a second chance. should i stay away now, thought about ignoring her at work to see if she chases me for a change but dont know if thats a wise choice, should i keep trying or just give up now, she might be texting other guys, she added 2 on facebook since the split and has them in her phone, she seems very secretive now. any advice would be good, thanks
ReplyDeleteHi there :)
DeleteThanks for sharing your story.
I hope that I will be able to help you at least a little.
I have answered your questions and provided tons of advice in a complete post - please read here.
I hope that everything starts looking a whole lot better for you really soon.
Good luck and God Bless!
hiya, i hope you can help :(
ReplyDeleteMy ex and I were together from the age of 17 and we have been together for just under 7 years (a long time i know!) We were dating for 2 years before I moved to University, continued to date throughout, and then since finishing have spent a lot of time together (4 or 5 times a week) we are a close couple and talk all the time, i have no doubt that for the past 6 1/2 years he has been madly in love with me
2 years ago my partner and i set up a photography business together (he set it up as a suprise for me) and things were going really well, we have always been a touchy feely couple and have always got on well - with the occasional argument as you can expect. Arguments were only ever over me asking questions about other girls messaging him... (I completely trust him yet it became a habit to question- hes very attractive and gets a lot of attention off of women)
Earlier this uear he picked up a part time job in a local department store and since working there has gained a lot of female attention - every day he gets a compliment or asked on a date. his ego has grown.
About 6 months ago i left my part time job in order to run our successful business full time, giving me more time to spend with him.
I would say that he has always 'chased' me throughout our relationship up until the last few months when tables have turned and he has moved out of his parents house and i have been seeing him far more, and i have been putting in far more effort than before - possibly because i had decided that we were happy together and i was excited about taking the next step of our relationship (to move in together)
Slowly but surely, with his new life away from home, his continuous attention from women and with me making more effort he has become extremely arrogant. A few weeks back i noticed he had messaged a girl from work telling her he thought she was beautiful (not like him at all - usually he has no interest in other women) He has been actng the same as normal towards me for the past few months we cook together, go on dates, slept together regulary... but he has been making less effort to do the arranging. the business is also going so well that it is something we can go on to do full time within few years.
About a month before the break up he mentioned that he didnt want to be part of the business any longer and that it was stressing him out (i admit to pressuring him to getting the work done and we did have a few arguements over the business) after that, as far as i could see things were fine. One evening we had an amazing night, laughing and joking, ... the next morning we were in bed and i stupidly questioned whether or not the girl he had emailed previously had replied, to which he went crazy, told me that i cant control him, and subsiquently told me to leave his house as he didnt want to talk/argue (i am not one to argue - most of the time i appologise quickly to avoid heated arguements) I went home and about 30minutes later i receieved a message sayig "im going to call you later and we are going to have a serious discussion about this relationship as we are not making eachother happy and i refuse to carry on with this for the sake of stubborn monogomy" to which i obviously instantly called him. He reiteratted what he had said and said he was thinking of this in the present and ignoring the fact that we had been together happily for nearly 7 years, and that right now, things werent working. I was an emotional mess and eventually hung up on him saying that this wasnt going anywhere and why was he not saying this to my face. I left it a day and text him saying "sorry about earlier are u ok shall we talk" he replied "im angry. no" I didnt contact him for 4 days and on the 4th day i messaged him saying "hey, fancy meeting up tonight for a drink and a chat" no reply.
DeleteI re-sent it via facebook 10 hours later and he replied "dont think we need to talk, ive pretty much decided i want to be on my own, you can have the business and i will attend the bookings we have already made" followed by a status update of 'monogomy is for idiots'
Devastated i turned up at his house and asked to talk about it. he was cold and said he loved me but didnt think we were right for eachother. We had about a 30 minute conversation, i cried a lot (i didnt beg him back as i didnt want to confirm his decision) and i left. 3 days later we had to meet as we had a business meeting, after the business meeting we had a longer conversation at the pub where no tears were involved. he said the same thing, and that this wasnt about him looking for another relationship, he loved me, but we werent right for eachother. i tried to understand his perspective and said i understand why he was feeling like he was and that i appreciate that he wants to acheive things on his own. I asked him if we could potentially get bck together in the future and he went on to say "im never going to close that door but i dont want to get your hopes up, you told me to tell you if i ever didnt see myself marrying you and this is what i am doing, i need to stick ths out" A week passed and i collected him as we had a weekend away with work to attend. we had to sleep in the same room and 1 thing led to another... the next day i kept wanting to kiss him... like we normally do all the time and he told me he wanted to to but he didnt want to make things harder, and that he needs to 'see this through' bla bla bla. weekend ended no arguements and i havent spoken to him since. since then i have been speaking to friends abd apparently he has been acting so weird, he never mentuons me to his friends, when asked he says "we grew apart" and he has been coming on to the girl from work that he was emailing (which i have now found out she has told him shes not interested) he has been interested in other girls too and by the sounds of it is acting quite desperate. tryng to boost his ego even more i dont doubt. He has only contacted me asking about equipement and ends it with 'hope youre well' he also keeps updating his facebook statuses allll the time
Deletei love this boy with all my heart anf it seems such a shame to go from nearly 7 uears of amazing relationship to nothing, all becayse of 1 or 2 months of him being confused with his life. its as though hes trying to forget me as he believes its best for him. i have to go to more weddings with him maybe 1ce a month. and i want to know how i should act and how i can get him to miss me and realise hes made a mistake. i really think were meant to be together but i know that right now he really doesnt think so. i think he thinks were too entwined into eachothers lives and that he hasnt achieved anything on his own. its been 2 weeks since the split and a week since the last time i saw him. what can i do?
please help! x
Hi Nat :)
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story. I hope that you're doing okay. I'm really sorry about your current situation. I know how hard the end to a long term relationship can be. Hang on in there!
I have answered your questions and given you tons of advice in this article ( please read here).
Good Luck and God Bless!!!
Thanks for such a quick response and some good advice!
DeleteAs for attention, i think im quite good at giving him attention in general, were both quite complimentary to each other as we find each other physically attractive. I will compliment him if he looks nice and vice versa and were always touching and cuddling each other.
He is a typical 'want what i cant get' kind of guy. Luckily for me the main culprit that he was chasing is now out of the picture (she had a boyfriend anyway and now she's apparently turned him down) Though the next girl he's met since seems to be taking up some of his attention now as he's been hanging with her friends quite a bit, it could be he's just trying to fill his time. I spoke to a mutual friend the other day and he said that he seems bored in the evenings…
Usually he doesn't freak if i ask him about other girls, he usually just says "don't be silly, you know you can trust me, theres nothing there were just friends" The reason he freaked made me think, hmm maybe he actually likes this girl.
One of his biggest traits is the inability to take blame, though he's always been like that in every sense and its something i have come to understand isn't going to change. he said sorry when he split with me, but probably because he doesn't like the fact that it hurt me. His inability to take blame is bearable tho, at least he doesn't smoke, do drugs, bully me… in general he's a genuinely nice guy, with the addition of some sudden arrogance (which his friends have noticed also) I have my traits of insecurity and a fear of him befriending other women and leaving me, so im not exactly perfect myself.
I have also found out he's fallen out wihh his boss from his part time job since the split, and has been given a week off to 'clear his head' so he's obviously not taking it too well. part of me thinks he didn't think it though too much, acted on impulse and due to pure stubbornness is now trying to 'see it through', especially as he literally told no one until a week after when i had told his mum that i couldn't come for dinner and therefore had to explain the situation.
When he broke up with me he said he had no intention of getting with other women and jumping into another relationship. He told his friends the same thing, and i know for sure he's completely against sleeping around. I think maybe he just wants to be a 'lad' for a bit, go out when he wants to go out, flirt with girls. Though his eagerness towards any hot girl has made me think maybe he wants another relationship or to test the waters seeing as im his first girlfriend.
Maybe he's having an early mid life crisis!
I think i cant let go because it has been so great throughout the past 6 1/2 years, were best friends, and it seems such a shame to throw it away because of a few bad months. only 3 or 4 months ago he was talking about moving in together…Maybe going to all these weddings with work has scared him
i think im going to do as you suggest and not chase him anymore, cut him off, don't talk to his friends about him, and only contact him for work, we also don't have to stay together until next May- i shall not become friends with benefits for sure. Maybe in a few months i shall start dating, gain a bit more confidence and if he comes back then we will have to start from square one and i will make sure if he wants to get back, its for the long haul. If he doesn't come back i guess i shall have to just deal with that as I don't want him back if he doesn't want to be with me.
For now i shall still keep my little bit of hope, we have so much together, the business is like a child, we have mutual friends, our families get on so well, we have the same interests and we live in the same town. Ive booked a trip to Oz for a month so i shall just try and have fun and do the things i wouldn't have done before, maybe i need time apart to to realise why i was so insecure about losing him.
Deletethankyou so much for your advice, i shall post back in a few months for all you people in similar situations x
Hey Nat! :)
DeleteThanks for the updated and additional info.
I think that you make a mistake by addressing the girl in question as ‘the culprit’ when you should actually be addressing your ex as such. I know that might sound weird but if you really think about it; firstly you don’t have a relationship with this girl, you have a relationship with your ex and secondly she’s the one who wasn’t interested and your ex was chasing after her.
With that being said, if you look at the situation, it’s all good and well that she’s out of the picture BUT she was never the issue. Like you’ve hinted and know there is and will always be another girl he wants to 'chase’ or whatever - like you just mentioned the girl that’s taking his attention. Your ex is the one with this issue not any of the girls.
Yeah, I can understand why his sudden reaction made you feel that he might have feelings for that girl. You could be right and maybe he did have feelings for her (which I doubt seeing as he’s chasing after someone else now), he could have just been looking for an excuse to snap at you or he just really got tired of you asking about the girls and him saying ‘don't be silly, you know you can trust me, there’s nothing there were just friends’ over and over again. I guess it could really be anything. I still think you had every right to ask though so I wouldn’t blame you for bringing it up.
Nat, it’s really great that you know that you have faults too. A lot of people don’t realize that or take responsibility for their problems shifting or placing all the blame for a failed relationship on one partner solely. Every relationship has problems (no relationship is perfect) similarly both partners have issues, problems or flaws (no one is perfect). Once you can identify your own flaws (as you have) you can work on them and better yourself as a person. In a relationship you’re not meant to complete each other. You should be two complete individuals on your own and make a great couple together.
You know your ex better than anyone else does. I’m not there with you, I haven’t known him as long as you have, I was never in a relationship with him – but you were! You know what kind of person he is; his personality, flaws, behavioural patterns – so if you think he didn’t think about it thoroughly or made a rash decision without thinking properly then you may be right. It makes perfect sense to me. Ego’s and pride are the terrible twosome with regards to keeping people a part or hindering a relationship. He may well regret what he did but be too stubborn (as you put it) or have too much provide to apologize and everything as you said he does have a problem with acknowledging when he’s wrong.
The thing is, love is more powerful then pride. If he really cares about you and loves you as much as he probably does, his pride and stubbornness will EVENTUALLY give way to his love for you and he will put his pride to the side and tell you that he wants you back and that he made a bad decision.
You are probably spot on with regards to him not taking the whole thing well. You were together 7 years! No one can just get over that and be okay with such a long term relationship ending whether you ended the relationship or had it ended – it’s bound to be hard to deal with. Love and emotions don’t just disappear – not in one month, in two or in six.
DeleteIf you’re okay with him going out and flirting with other girls and everything then that’s okay I guess – different people are okay with different things. I just don’t know if that’s a trustworthy thing to do. Who’s to say that after another 5 to 10 years together or after a baby or two or marriage he won’t feel that he wants to be a guy and flirt with other women or anything else and ends things for a bit again? I guess that’s something you need to think about and consider.
I’m glad that you know what you want. Saying that if you do get back together again you ‘will make sure if he wants to get back, it’s for the long haul’ is really what you need to do. You need to think about you and what’s good for you. You know what you want from life, you know what you want for your future and he’s indecisiveness or lack of maturity shouldn’t damper or ruin your plans for yourself. If he wants to be with you he needs to make a full-time commitment and not a temporary one.
Keep Well Nat!
Hi Jade.. I have been reading ur article quite sometime and it's really helpful. But I have some issues that I need some opinion.. Well, my ex and I break up 3 months ago and it's ended because it is a love triangle relationship.. Currently my ex and I become friends as he asked for it when he ended our relationship because he doesn't want to lose me in his life.. We always see each other as we were working together.. The problem right now is both of us are getting closer and sometime I had the feeling that we are going back to where we were before we started dating.. His current girlfriend knew my existence and there was once when I hang out with my ex, his gf called up and she knew that I was with him.. She then demanded him not to hang out or make friends with me.. My ex then told her that he couldn't make it as both of us still can chat along well..
ReplyDeleteIt seems confusing me currently as I don't know what am I supposed to do.. My ex is trying to get my attention back.. We were colleague and I just sit right in front of him and whenever both of us looks at our computer screen, we can see each other very well.. Just like today, when I looked on my computer screen, he looked at me as if I was looking at
him.. Then, he trying to do some action to make me looked at him such as blinking his eyes in such way that people will notice but I didn't cz I felt that I shouldn't.. If I looked at him, isn't that showed that I havent move on?? When he failed to get my attention, he then will come to my work station and trying to talk to me.. The question he asked is actually what he had already know.. I could say it pretty lame.. I couldn't figure it out whether he make it purposely or what.. He do poked my waist when he trying to talk to me and as for it, I whack him back..
It's been a month since he mentioned about my stuff in his house and yet he didn't return to me back.. I had asked him to pack it for me when he mentioned about it.. He told me that he had kept my stuff in his safety locker with password protected as he afraid his gf saw it.. I don't understand why he would want to keep my stuff since he afraid that his gf will find it.. I am sure he does open his locker..
Should i still be that close with him?? How to figure it out what was on his mind and also his feelings?? Are there any signs that I could notice regarding his feelings??
Hi there!
DeleteThanks for sharing your story and for commenting :)
I think that you're handling the situation really well by thinking about things such as whether or not you're going to end up in the same situation (seeing as you're getting close again) and whether or not you should look at him when he's trying to get your attention (trying to avoid making him, think you haven't moved on or gotten over him).
You're on the right track just by thinking clearly!
I have answered your comment and given you tons of advice in a full post - please read here .
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Jade.. Thanks for the comment and advice..
DeleteI had talked to him regarding how close we are and he replied me by saying that he is okay with current situation and I told him that I'm not okay with it... He just kept quiet when I told him about my feelings.. I also had read the article that you posted and all the tips on how he felt for me were there.. But when I approached him the matter, he denied it.. I don't get it... Is he trying to lie to me or hiding his true feelings?? Sometime when we walked or stand close with each other, somehow he touch my hand slightly too.. Like yesterday, when we spoke in the phone, I wanted to ended up the call as fast as I can but he doesn't seem to be... Is that the sign of him missing me since I'm not in the office??
Hi there
DeleteThanks for the update :)
I’m really proud of you for being able to stand up for yourself by telling him that you aren’t okay with the current situation and for expressing your feelings to him. I’m really proud of you for doing that. You have done all that you can now. You let him know where you stand and how you feel and now it’s up to him to do the rest.
Yes it does seem that he’s actions show that he still has feelings for you, misses you and obviously does still want you in his life (that’s why he said that he’s good with the current situation).
I think that the reason why he won’t say anything to you and denies or hides his feelings is because he is probably not sure what he wants right now. There is someone else involved (like you said he has another girlfriend) and if you don’t want to end up back in a similar love triangle position then it would be best to exclude yourself completely from it.
My best advice to you would be to opt for the ‘no contact’ and minimal contact rule. Don’t make any contact with him whatsoever – don’t call, don’t text, don’t email, etc. If he calls or talks to you at work be polite but keep things short and end things early saying you have to go for whatever reason you can think of (whether he wants to speak longer or not). If he asks you why you’re behaving in this way or not making contact with him let him know that you are still not okay with the situation (like you told him). You need to make him make a decision. He can’t have a girlfriend and still be flirting and everything with you.
It’s okay to be civil with each other but it’s not alright for him to be flirting with or leading you on while being with someone else.
Try and distance yourself from him. I know this will be hard because you work together but try and do this on an emotional level.
He needs to be a man and make a decision.
Hang on in there.
Good luck and God Bless!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice, this forums great :) im feeling better each time i talk to you. I wish you could meet him in person!
The girl was initially leading him on for sure, as he did show me the messages when we were together. As for the other girl since, it could be my mind playing tricks on me (its quite good at that) as i haven't spoken to him about it so im just making guesstimations - he could just be having a bit of harmless flirting with no intentions. he's really not the sort to want to date loads of girls, he hasn't fancied anyone in the last 7 years so maybe the fact he fancied the initial girl made him panic and re think our relationship as he has never felt this way before. Not sure if i mentioned before but we are each others first relationships and we have only ever been together, so i think the reason im so understanding with him wanting to flirt with women is because i understand its only natural to have a bit of curiosity. I know i almost freaked out about 2 years ago at the thought that i might never be with any other guys.
Ive definitely learnt a lot about myself over the last few weeks and thinking back i have realised that i was quite needy/controlling and its something im going to have to learn to change as its not a nice thing. Im not like that normally as a person, so Possibly im like that so much with him because we have only intimately been with each other and deep down ii was scared he would become curious about other women.
We have pretty much become one person i guess, we were with each other through so many important moments like gcses, alevels, uni, passing our driving tests, first jobs… we literally no everything about each other so maybe, as his friend said, he wants to achieve some things on his own for once. Ive found something online called a 'quarter life crisis' and the resemblance is uncanny. Have you heard of this before?
I just no we get on so well (were not an On- Off couple, we've never split up and we only have 1 or 2 serious arguments a year which last about 2 days then were back madly in love again) and we are physically attracted to each other (i no one of my friends split up from a long term relationship as she got to the point where she was repulsed by the guy!)
but this makes things harder for me, as i no deep down that eventually he will regret it once the whole 'going about life alone' excitement dies down and once he gets scared that i wont be there to fall back on.
As time goes on, i realise that i don't want to change his mind. i want him to realise himself and thats going to take time, i think im getting to terms with the fact that i shouldnt wait for that just encase it doesn't happen. - Though luckily for him i shall be staying away from men for a good 6 months so i guess he still has a little bit of time, (though i shall not mention this to him) Whats your opinion on the no contact rule btw?
New moto- dress beautiful and act cool encase he bumps into me.
Thanks Jade
Hey Nat :)
DeleteI’m really glad you find this site helpful. That means that it’s fulfilling its full purpose :)
It’d great that you’re so understanding and so opened to all the possibilities. You’re ex should be really thankful to have someone like you in his life or to at least have had someone like you for the past 7 years.
I completely understand where you’re coming from with regards to only having been with one person. It makes perfect sense. I guess people handle different situations differently.
I have read up on ‘quarter life crisis’ and can see exactly why you think it may be appropriate in your case. Fear of the unknown, fear of ‘the real world’ and fear of commitment can all have different impacts on different people. This could very well be the case with your ex. You made it known in your past post that you thought it could have been the effect of the weddings you work at; you could be very right. The fact that he recently moved out could also have led to his ‘dose of reality’ and fear or shock with regards to it.
I’m sure you’re right with regards to the fact that he’ll realize that he made a mistake and come back to you. That’s what true love is. You can’t stop true love from happening. Everyone makes mistakes but if you’re meant to be together in the end – trust me you will be. This doesn’t mean that you need to stand around waiting for him or hoping to such an extent that your life stands still while you wait for him and whether or not he comes back. It means that you go on with your life and let life run itself – whatever’s meant to be will be.
With regards to the no contact rule, I’m a strong believer in it. Constantly emailing or texting him is really not what the situation needs right now. Promise yourself to contact him ONE LAST TIME (if you need to for closure) and don’t contact him ever again. If he contacts you then you can reply however you’d like (politely, excitedly, happily, etc.) but don’t ever make contact again. Promise yourself to never bring up the relationship or your feelings for him again either unless he brings it up.
I totally LOVE your new motto. Don’t revolve your life around him but there’s nothing wrong with showing him what he’s missing whenever you do bump into him or work with him. It will make you feel way better about yourself too.
Live your life and enjoy it. Know that love always works out in the end and if you’re meant to be together you will be.
Thanks a lot for all the info and feedback Nat.
Keep well!!!
xoxo
i have been using the no-contact for 16 days now- pretty impressed with myself. He has contacted me a few times during that time and ive just replied briefly to his messages after a day or so. Yesterday he facebook messaged me saying "I saw you in town today, i was sat in a cafe with ______ (a guy friend of his) , I had seconds to decide if I was going to venture out and say 'hello.' You looked like you were on a mission. I do not interrupt missions. They are very important. So I left you alone. Also i've left my job, in the usual, spectacular fashion. So I do not work there anymore.
DeleteJust thought this was important information that you might be curious about.x" Cant really decide whats going on in his mind and whether he just wants to be friends or whether he still likes me and thats why hes telling me.... I just replied with "Oh really? I was late, as per.
How come you decided to leave? X" and he said "Yes, really.
I left because the brand standards, and corporate bureaucracy were getting to me. And I am a brash, impulsive tosser by nature. X" Its his birthday this weekend, think im going to just send him a text.
I feel like i dont know him anymore, its weird
Thanks
Nat xx
ps I bumped into him in town today with his friend! so awkward! he complimented me on wearing heel boots into town, asked how i was, i asked him how he was. he told me he was going to dinner with his parents tonight. then he took my coffee off me and said "look at you, youre going to spill it everywhere" he then clipped the loose lid back on. He also said we should meet before work next weekend. (we dont really need to - maybe its an excuse to be with me? or maybe he still feels guilty. We spoke for about 5mins then i said "anyway i best go" he hugged me and i walked off. any opinions?x
ReplyDeleteHey Nat! :)
DeleteI’m really impressed with you too! That’s awesome :). I’m really glad that you’ve managed to stick to the no contact thing and thus put yourself first for a while. It’s awesome that he has resorted to contacting you just like I thought that he would.
I think that he does still have feelings for you and that’s why he told you all of that stuff. Maybe he thinks somehow that his job impacted your relationship in some way and that telling you that he no longer works there would make things a little better. It could also be a case of, sometimes we get so used to speaking to one person about everything (especially after a long term relationship) that just wanting to inform them on what’s going on in our lives or make contact with them / chat to them even for a little makes us feel a whole lot better. I think that that might be the case with him.
I think you’re right to want to text him for his birthday. That would be a good idea. It would allow him to know that you still care and think about him on special events like his birthday.
It’s not strange that you feel like you don’t know him. This is probably the most ‘distanced’ your relationship has ever been and the space between you would do that. If you put the distance a side and blank it out you might realize that he’s actually the same person. You know that you really do know him because you know about his ego and everything. I think you were right about how he is and that he’s probably going to come back to you once he realizes that he made a mistake. By him contacting you it already shows that he still misses you and feels the need to make contact with you.
With regards to bumping into him, I’m so glad you stuck to ‘looking good in case you bump into him’ :D Awesome! You must have felt so good about yourself having him compliment you. I’m so proud of you :). You were the one who said you needed to leave too, that’s great Nat!
I think that meeting you is more a case of him wanting to be with you then him feeling guilty. I don’t think he’d want to meet up with you out of guilt. That would just be unnecessary and pointless. Grouping everything together: the texts, the compliment and the fact that he wants to meet up with you I’d think it’s him wanting to spend more time with you.
I think you’re doing awesome. Stick to what you’ve been doing – avoid excessive contact and chasing after him – and everything will be fine. Whether you end up back together or not if you remember to put yourself first, everything will work out awesome for you.
Keep in touch :)
God Bless!
xoxo
Hi Jade,
ReplyDeleteSorry but this post is going to be long! You give wonderful advice, and I wouldn't go to anyone but you for advise! So here it goes.
My ex and I broke up back in March. I am sick of the games that has been going on, and I don't really understand whats going on. We have had very limited contact during the break up. My ex and I have birthdays within a month, and that is when things started confusing me. A mutual friend of my ex and I has been telling me that me ex has been asking a lot about me. Asking how im doing if im dating anybody etc. My friend was curious to see how my ex feels about me because he knows I still want her back, so he took it upon himself to call her out. I don't know how spiritual you are Jade, but I believe in the power of a prayer. So that same night, I prayed for God to give me a sign on which way he wants me to go and if I should pursue this. I asked him to give me a sign on what he wants me to do, because I am sick of feeling like a prisoner.
The very next day after my prayer, I run in to my ex at the mall! I figured this is God's sign for me that I should talk to her again. I start texting her casually (two days after my birthday, I never responded to her birthday text.) So back to my ex and my friends conversation, he kept asking her are you finished with him, and if things changed would you want to be with him? Her answers for everything where "I just don't know". She kept talking about issues that she has with me, but she couldn't give him a yes or no answer that she was finished with me. So after we start texting back and forth, she agrees to hang out with me! We both cancelled because we were sick, so I texted her to reschedule. She said she is going out of town this weekend, and would text me tomorrow, which she never did. I texted her back and said look I don't want to play games, if you didn't want to see me you should have just told me. She replied and said Jesse, we are not getting back together, I don't think I can re connect, I am just too busy and I just don't know if I can re connect. I reply back and say re connect? I just wanted to see you and see how things are. Then she says oh, that's not what Kevin made it seem like (our mutual friend who called her), he made it seem like you wanted me back. Then she says I don't even know why we keep randomly talking. I say wow, that hurts, I get where you stand, and you won't be hearing from me again, goodbye. She replies back with something and I don't respond.
Three weeks later her birthday passes, and I don't send a birthday text or anything. Two days later, she then sends me a facebook friend request. My facebook profile is public, so she can see everything anyways. I am just so confused now on everything, especially with the facebook friend request considering how we left things off. I really feel she loves me and wants me deep down, but she is afraid of the obstacles in the past. Help!
With love,
Jesse
Hey Jesse!
DeleteThanks a lot for the compliment :)
I hope that I will be able to help you.
Due to the fact that my reply is really long and in-depth, I have made it a separate post. Please read it here...
Keep well and keep in touch if you need any more help or clearance please feel free to contact me :)
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Jade... I have some confusion in my mind right now.. I was afraid that my instinct were wrong so I hope u can guide me... My ex and I had been break up 3 months ago and we only had been dated about two months only.. Since the break till now, my ex body language shows differently from what he speak.. I was confused about that.. We do see each other as we are colleague.. There are few situations that had happened that confused me such as:
ReplyDelete1) when I did not talk to him for the whole day in the office, he will find ways to talk and approach me.. Such as tell jokes, winking his eyes, come to my work place to talk to me..
2) when we walk together, I can sense that he is trying to walk closer to me although sometime I was wondered was I the one who walked nearer to him.. When he walk closer to me, his hands will touches mine slightly although other people seen it as accidentally.. But my instinct told me that it is on purpose..
3) there are few times, we caught in the rain and we had to share an umbrella.. He will then lean towards me more closer than usual and his hands will always on my shoulder.. I don't get it here.. Is a friend will act like that?? In others eyes, we are just like those couple who shared an umbrella..
4) whenever he tell me about his family or personal matter which I don't know about it, he will always asked me this: "I thought I had told u about this matter".. I always replied him by saying that since when did u tell me all those stuff; maybe in ur dream I had been told about it... He then smile at me... I don't get it here too.. Does he always think that he had told me but in fact he actually tell to his current gf?? That's why he had been confused about it...
5) is helping me to pay my bill and bank-in my pay slip is not the right thing?? Ya, both of us do pay for each other bill and also bank-in the pay slip... He will always do that for me every month as compared to me only once in a blue moon...
6) Whenever we talked, he will touch my arms and me too doing the same thing as he does towards me but I will quickly pull away when I realized that it's had cross the barrier.. But he won't..
Aren't that confusing based on his action?? I do spoke to him regarding my feelings that I had felt the closeness both of us are.. For him, it seem okay.. When I told him that I don't feel alright, he just kept silent on it... There was once his gf knew that he was hanging out with me.. She was very angry and jealous.. She then demand him not to be friend with me.. But my ex told her that we still got topic to talk too.. They had a quarrel regarding this but my ex just ignore her.. He told me that he had explain to her but if she can't accept it then that's her problem.. Also, my guy colleague who is also our mutual friend does told me that whenever I talked to him, my ex will looked at us.. My colleague told me that my ex seems to feel uneasy seeing both me and him laughing and talking..
I also read ur article regarding emotional vs physical affair.. I had realized that my relationship with my ex seems to be emotional affair after the break up.. How can I figure it out what his body language had said?? Is there any way to show that my instinct isn't wrong at all?? My instinct told me that my ex still loves me and care for me but I keep on deny it.. Plus he had gf too (their relationship is not a rebound)
Hi Cheryl!
DeleteThanks for your comment.
Please scroll up. Your question was answered on the 17 October 2012.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Hi Jade
ReplyDeleteBroke up with my gf more than three months ago, it was mutual, as we just couldn't find a way to get along. I'm 20 years older than her.
She was very jealous and controlling, hacked my email and social network accounts and never trusted my feelings towards my ex wife (24 years together), allthough I never did anything to support this mistrust.
Right after the breakup we got along well, contact only from time to time but friendly. Then we had a fight about some paperwork (6 weeks after breakup) and I told her to delete my phone number and leave me alone.
I also cancelled my fb account when we were together because it was a constant hassle, I had to justify and explain every new friend, especially girls...
Some weeks after we broke up, I opened a new fb account, shortly after this a mutual friend told me that she blocked me on fb, allthough I never contacted her or even looked up her page.
For christmas I wrote her a short letter, wishing her good times and suggesting that we could get back to friendly contact - or even just say hello when we meet somewhere in town (In 3 months I just saw her once, and she couldn't even say hello).
The point is, after feeling allright for some months now, I start missing her. She didn't reply to my letter, didn't write for my birthday, nothing.
Is the damage to severe?
Allen
Hi Allen :)
DeleteThanks a lot for making contact and sharing your story.
I can tell that you feel like the age difference between you and your ex may be the reason for, or a contributory factor towards some of your issues after the break up or leading up to it.
With regards to her mistrust during the relationship, I understand that you feel like you didn’t do anything to support that or cause her to feel that way and that makes perfect sense. She’s young so chances are she didn’t know how to deal with or manage a relationship where there is an ex-wife involved (whether your ex was a big part of your life or not – if she was due to children or anything else this could have heightened the situation). What would have made this worse would be the fact that you were together for 24 years. That is a really long time and can be highly intimidating in itself. I wouldn’t say that her behaviour was ‘okay’ but I would say that to a certain extent it was understandable. It is something that you could have worked through though. Both of you would need to understand the situation from the others point of view and then work on fixing it.
I understand that with regards to things like Facebook, she still displayed trust issues and insecurities (with you having to explain new friends, etc.) where your ex wasn’t exactly involved. Insecurities and jealousy are common relationship problems that can be fixed and shouldn’t be the main source of a break up in my opinion.
Three months is not a long time depending on how long you were together and how deep your love or feelings for each other were. People take different amounts of time to get over relationships or exes. Please read for more on this.
I don’t know to what extent your fight went or if that was the last time you ever heard from her. If the fight was severe and her ‘relationship’ with you after the break-up changed drastically after that fight and what you said to her then yes – like you already know – damage was done. The severity of the damage would depend on what else was said during the fight and how things really ended.
I don’t know if you apologized for what you said or if you just sent her the letter and everything hoping that all would be okay and go back to normal again. This is a mistake many make and is definitely not the approach you should be taking.
If you have apologized then there really isn’t much you can do but wait things out and give her time. If she misses you or anything she’ll make contact with you.
No damage can be too severe that damage control can't be done but it needs support from both sides.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Hey Jade,
ReplyDeleteThis is a follow-up from (Anonymous8 October 2012 05:41). My ex came to town to visit her family over the holidays and up through a few weeks before that, our conversations were still a little toxic and I gave into some insecurities and expectations. She admitted she still cared for me and that's why she has been sending me links for careers I might be suited for, and was calling me not to just "check in" (which I found patronizing) but because she "cares about me". This changed my perspective slightly because I had been helping her out a lot, selling her car, taking care of certain formalities while I live in our old space while she is in a new town (but feeling like a doormat for doing it like taking care of some things for her back here). So I sent her an email and a letter that she claimed were sweet. I went on a trip and had some self discovery along the way right before she arrived but she was hesitant to see me. During the trip, I called her to ask when she was coming and she inquired if I was traveling with anyone (I found that interesting but may be reading too much into it).
She said too tough, but we had things to handle like moving her stuff out. She told me she is 100% uninterested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me <now I know out the gate this sounds incredibly crystal clear, but I told her that I went the opposite direction and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her (for reasons I won't get into we had something of an expiration date on our relationship beyond her getting a job far away). She said she just doesn't want me to wait and it will be helpful if we move on. I asked her if she still loves me and she said she's still jumbled and confused and it's complex (something like that) about everything and she can't be friends right now. I just maintained positivity and told her that's fine, I'm not in a hurry to fix things, to get back together (not like this) or figure things out and that she's worth waiting for, and she said, well, I don't know I just don't want to give you a window or hope....
I can tell her attitude was cautious and she has barriers up, rightfully so because she doesn't know how I'm going to react to certain things since it's been so tough with the distance and honestly, my behavior has been unappreciative and unstable at times. 2 days later we moved her out of this apartment (because I'm going to move out before she returns anyways) and all was cordial. We spoke about a few things, she was grateful and at the end sort of gave me what I could consider an F-off goodbye by saying "good luck", but I still took it with a grain of salt. I called her the next day and we had a more friendly talk and I asked her to go to dinner, no strings, let's just have fun. I wanted to keep it light and she agreed. Would someone agree under the previous tense circumstances?...
...(cont'd)
ReplyDeleteWe went out, had an awkward good time, interesting conversation and catch up (neither of us brought up if there was someone else) and we talked about certain things, said some remaining apologese and toasted to a new beginning. She said right now she feels like she needs to be alone (and I'm just going along with anything without pressuring her anymore), I feel my new role is to be supportive of her and adapt, show her all the love I have without expectation because honestly it feels good too. She said she really doesn't know what she wants and a lot of unknowns exist for both of us because I'll be finished with school when she is done with her contract position but neither of us know where the economy will allow us to work. She is searching for her passion and I had a sense that both of us were depleted and empty by the end of the night.
But we separated that evening cordially. At this point she knows where I stand and I know where she is based on what she said. Regardless of what happens I do want us to be friends (don't know if this helps as part of the story but, I deleted her from facebook a while back because it was hard to see photos of her with her friends but now she's made her profile completely private so no one off her friends list can view it, I know this because she was in a photo at an event over the weekend with mutual friends but I couldn't find her anywhere when I saw it and looked for her page subsequently). but I'm curious about my course of action at this point.
I want to nurture a new relationship to health so should I keep up the communication and keep the communication up or give her more space and time? I feel we went from 0 to 15 on a scale of 100, a 100 being healthy, in only a matter of days. I feel she's had a lot of space and time already. The other thing I'm curious about is if she does have dormant feelings for me, and what's the likely hood? From your experience, can relationships rekindle after going south due to long distance and a person like me pushing her away out of fear that she'd leave me?
We never did anything horrible to each other it ended because of my insecurity throughout the relationship (and the distance and her exclusivity with friends) which I have worked on sincerely and believe I can show her, not just tell her, how I've changed. I know it's an incredible long shot, if that, but I've always been persistent with her and won her over in the past when we were in the friend zone, but I certainly am up against it this time. Thanks for reading, it's therapeutic just writing it all out. Sorry it's so long.
Hi there :)
DeleteReally nice hearing from you again :)
It’s good that you know what you’re ‘problems’ or issues are or have been, such as the fact that you’ve been unappreciative at times. I think the best thing to do is try as best you can to remember this, bear it in mind and do what you can to change it in the future whether you end up back with this girl or not. Learn from this and allow it to make you a better person.
In my opinion there are many reasons why she could have accepted a dinner offer with you:
• She felt like she owed you or that it was the least she could do after all you’d done for her
• She genuinely wanted to have dinner with you or for the two of you to spend some time together
• She felt bad for the way things ended between you (with regards to her ‘good luck’ goodbye.
I think that you should focus more attention on the fact that she did agree to going to dinner with you and less on why she did it. The reason why it’s more important that she went and not why she went, is because the night had the power to change whatever reason she went with you in any case. If for example she went because she felt like it was the least she could do after all you’d done for her, the way the dinner went (whether you got on well, had a good time, etc.) could cause her to feel like it was worth it and that she actually wants to do it again because SHE WANTS TO and not because she feels like she has to anymore.
You said “I feel my new role is to be supportive of her and adapt, show her all the love I have without expectation because honestly it feels good too.” I couldn’t agree with you more! This is the most perfect approach you could possibly take to the whole situation. By pushing or pressurizing her, things could get messed up but by doing what you think (being supportive) you could end up so much more better off.
Continued...
DeleteLooking at what you’ve said and how she said she feels, she is confused and isn’t sure about a lot, but being confused is not a ‘no’ - It’s an ‘I don’t know’, a ‘maybe’ or an ‘I’m not sure’ which means that there is still a chance for the two of you. If you stick to what you’re saying with regards to being supportive and showing her the love you have for her you could allow her to see that you’re the best thing for her (if you really are).
You’d like to keep her as a friend and this is a really good way of doing that.
In order to do this you’re going to have to have some form of communication with her. You don’t need to chase after her in a way that makes it seem like you’re pressurizing her but alternate communication. Make contact maybe once after not having heard from her for around a week (just keep things casual, ask her how she’s doing and everything) and then don’t contact her for at least another week or until she makes contact with you. Once she contacts you, you can contact her first the next time. Use this as your ‘contact making’ guideline. The more you communicate the better. You need to have the communication be from both sides though. This means that you can’t be the only one making contact with her. It needs to work both sides. If she doesn’t contact you for a while then you may need to lay off things a bit. You can only have any kind of a relationship with someone (whether as a friend or a boyfriend) if they want it as much. You can’t force a relationship or have a ‘one way’ relationship – it works two ways only.
With regards to the likely hood of her still having feelings for you or the relationship being re-kindled – anything is possible. I seriously feel that if you truly ever love someone those feelings can never just go away. Yes they can fade a little or go into a dormant state but they can never just die. This does mean that if she ever did love you that she still does but it doesn’t mean that she’s going to get back together with you. Sometimes you can love someone and not be with them due to the nature of your relationship or the fact that you’re better off a part. A good saying to describe this is one that says: Some people are meant to stay in your heart but not in your life. It is really sad but true. This doesn’t mean that things won’t work out between the two of you either. That is something only the two of you can know or work out. All this means is that if she ever loved you, she still does. Please read here for more on this...
I think that if you can get back to being friends again you might just be able to get to being more. You made it out of the friend’s zone before who’s to say you can’t do it again???
Good luck and everything of the best!
Thanks for your contribution :)
God Bless!!
Hi Jade,
ReplyDeleteThis is Jesse.. You gave me advise a while ago, on December 7th. Bless your heart for the wonderful advise you give. I can tell you take the time to read everything carefully because your advise reflects this and is right on! I am just super confused at the moment again. I did make my decision to completely ignore my ex (ignored her birthday back in november, ignored the facebook friend request). Things have changed a little bit. I sent her family a Christmas card. She sent me a text saying (Thanks for sending my family a Christmas card, that was really nice of you). I ignored that text as well, but some things are out of my control. I was going to meet with my attorney downtown last week, and what do you know I run into my ex at the same building. She works in the same building where I was meeting with my attorney. I was kind of cold to her as I saw her, i went on to meet my attorney, and she sent me a text message saying(There is a starbucks downstairs if you want to have coffee or something let me know).
I told her I didn't have time(I did, I just didn't want to meet with her), but I told her we should get together another time (I even mentioned two seperate dates), she said she was busy both dates and didn't try to give me a date she was free. It seems because I rejected her, she is trying to play the same game maybe? Regardless, I ran into her for the second time since I prayed (the power of prayer!!) I know this can't be coincidence, and I am thinking of just having a friendship with her to see if i can attract her again? I want to try to meet up with her and tell her that we should be friends.
I forgot to mention to you Jade through our mutual friend Kevin, going back to that last conversation back in October. My ex told Kevin ( I can't just jump back in to a relationship with Jesse, then Kevin asks so what has to happen then? Do you guys need to be friends and just let things happen naturally then? She replies back saying well yeah thats the only way it could work). So there it goes again Jade, I was fully content on ignoring her until I ran into her again, now my head is spinning! Help! What do you make of all this?
With love,
Jesse
Hey Jesse!
DeleteIt's really great hearing from you again :)
Prayer really is powerful. It’s great that you’re able to demonstrate that.
I don’t understand why you ignore her when she tries to reach out to you and are cold to her when she tries to make an effort even though you really want to be with her. I also don’t understand why you’re upset that she didn’t give you a date that she would be free for coffee or something when she initially asked you for a coffee date and you turned her down. Why would you send her a card and then ignore her when she thanks you for it?
Cutting off contact is one thing, Jess, but cutting her off when she reaches out to you (even though it’s what you want) is not a good idea.
If you want her back (even as a friend) then maybe you should change your approach a little. You can maintain limited contact if you’d like but that only means that you don’t make first contact with her. It means you wait it out until she contacts you. It doesn’t mean that if she contacts you that you should ignore her or be cold towards her. On the contrary, if she contacts you, you should be friendly, casual and relaxed. It will make her open up to you more and feel more comfortable with you.
If you want her back in your life (as a friend or partner) your current strategy will definitely not work. It might eventually make her feel like she should just quit trying and go on with life which I’m almost certain is not what you’d like to happen.
If you’d like to be friends with her (at least initially) then you need to treat her the way you would a close friend – you wouldn’t be cold towards a close friend would you Jess? This is the way you need to treat her.
Hope this helps.
Good luck Jess! Everything of the best :)
God Bless!
xoxo
hello i am a black girl probably the nicest willing to speak to anyone really funny and put others before me self. i have long hair,clear skin etc i go to a nearly all white school i have alot of girlfriends and and speak to some of the boys. But theres this one kid everyone goes on about how hes the nicest guy you'll ever meet and stuff but he just will not speak to me. When he sees me he walks right past me but when i look from the corner of my eye he stares at me. When i walk into the same room as me him leaves after 2 minutes.I even text him to invite him to a party i was having he was lovely over text but when i saw him face to face he walks right past me. I've even tried making conversation but he says afew words then walks off again. Does he genrally just find me annoying and not like me, or am i trying to hard to make him talk to me?
ReplyDeleteHi there!
DeleteThanks for contacting me and contributing to this site :)
I hope I will be able to help a little.
There are quite a few things to consider with regards to the current situation you’re in with this guy.
1. Firstly, you made it clear that you’re one of the few non-white students at the school. I know that we’re in the year 2013 but you really do still find people who are kinda prejudice or have one tracked minds.
2. I’m not necessarily saying that this guy is racist or discriminatory but he may have friends or family members who are and is thus reluctant or ‘shy’ to hang out with you or keep contact with you in person. This could possibly explain the reason why he was so much easier to talk to over text.
3. In contrast, he may be completely fine with the fact that you’re ethnically different but be reluctant to make contact or keep conversation due to the fact that he’s not sure that you are. Either way, please don’t take this personally.
4. He could feel intimidated by you. I get that he’s friendly and everything with everyone else but maybe for some reason he finds you harder to talk to. This is often the case when a guy gets nervous or shy around a girl he finds attractive, out of his league or intimidating for any reason.
The best advice I could give you is to ask around. You say that you have a lot of girlfriends and speak to some of the boys’ maybe you should ask them casually next time. The same way they were okay with telling you how friendly he is and everything they should be open to telling you more about him too. You could say something like “You know (guy’s name), remember you told me how friendly he is? Why do you think he isn’t that way with me?” If they’re really genuine with you they should be able to give you their best honest opinion. In this way you can gather the opinions of many plus they should know him better than you do assuming that they’ve known him a little longer.
Another suggestion would be to text him about it in a “joking” kinda way. Apparently he’s a lot more open to you over text than he is in person so this might work. There’s no guarantee that he’s going to be honest though but it’s worth a try if you prefer this to asking around.
By making it appear as a joke you will be making him aware of your feelings with regards to the way he treats you and you’ll be making him aware of the way he is with you in case he doesn’t know.
Text him something like “Hey so I hear you’re like the friendliest / sweetest guy at school. Why are you not that way with me??? Lol” or “Hey so I hear you’re like the friendliest / sweetest guy at school. When do I get to see that side of you??? Lol” Be creative. I’m sure you can come up with something.
Don’t stress or obsess about the whole thing. The girls are all great with you and so are the other guys so if you can’t quite figure this one guy out don’t let it bother you.
Good Luck and God Bless!
It has been about four days since my girlfriend broke up with me. She said that the reasons is that she loved me but she did not feel 100% about me anymore and she does not think that she can feel that way again. She left a month prior, because she stated that for various reasons (that I did not intentionally avoid) that she closed her heart off to me. She stated that she needed time to figure out if she wanted to be in the relationship or if she missed me and could not live without me. She came back after a week and stated that she needed time to get herself back to 100% if she could. I messed up this time by pushing too hard for her to get back to this. This made her very upset and she decided to leave this time and stated that she was done with the relationship. I begged helplessly for her to stay and poured out tons of emotion, but she still refused to. She came back the next day to get some clothes and stated that she did not know how she felt about the relationship and doesn’t know if she wishes to move on or if she cannot live without me. She hugged me and kisses me twice and stated that she needs time to be by herself. She still has a lot of her stuff at my place and my house key. I then told her that I am not going anywhere and that all of this is hers and will be here. She took our status of being in a relationship down off of facebook but we are still friends there. Our mutual friends have spoken to her and she has told them the same and that she still loves me, but she does not know what she wants and needs time to clear her head. I have not contacted her, but I miss her beyond belief and I am afraid that she does not miss me the same and is using this time to get over me. Any suggestions please on how to get her back?
ReplyDeleteHi there! :)
DeleteThanks a lot for your comment and for sharing your story.
I’m really sorry about your current situation and hope that everything gets a lot better for you.
I’m not entirely sure what went wrong with your relationship but from all you’ve said it seems like you admit to having done something really major to have hurt her in a really bad way. I’m not sure whether you cheated on her or did something else along those lines. I’m assuming that you have apologized but if you haven’t and it really was your fault then you definitely need to apologize. Read here for tips on how to apologize to her (and more)in a letter.
You acknowledged in your comment that you messed things up by pushing her too hard – my advice is: don’t make the same mistake twice. You are on the right track by avoiding contact with her. No matter how hard it is (which I know it must really be extremely hard) the best way to get her back is probably to keep doing what you’re doing and allow her to have her space and time.
I know you have a lot on your mind with regards to the situation and concerns that she might be using the time to get over you are stuck on your mind but you can’t keep pondering on them. It’s a bit of a lose-lose situation: you feel that if you leave her alone she might move on when at the same time if you push her too hard she might end up doing that anyway.
My best solution to this would be for you to keep semi-contact then – in a sense of more NO CONTACT then there is contact though.
I would suggest you limit contact to once every two or three weeks ONLY. I know this might seem really far off (hopefully she would have come back to you before then) but it would really be for the best. When you contact her maybe at the 2 week mark, here are a few tips to stick to:
• Don’t speak about the past relationship AT ALL!
• Keep the text or telephone conversation short.
• Tell her that you’re just calling / texting to check how she’s doing or to make sure that she’s okay.
• Keep everything light, friendly and casual.
You need to allow her her space or time to figure out what she would want or she might never be able to move forward even with you. It really should be for the best.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi hi I really like your advice and find it spot on. I'm in a difficult situation and broke up less than a week ago. We have been together 7.5 months and lived together 6 months (too early I know). I'm his first proper long term relationship and he's the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and lived together. We were aiming for marriage, starting a family together and met each others parents. We were very happy most of the time but we had problems communicating and opening up emotionally at times.
ReplyDeleteWhen we argued try to explain why I felt that way so so would he and no one would see it from the other person's perspective and only seemed to be hurt and focused on our own emotions. Most of the arguments are based on this issue and recently we had Ben walking on eggshells an avoiding any talks that might spark any emotional upset and both had an outburst. I felt strongly distant emotionally from him and knew he loved me deeply but started to question when he said he finds me attractive or that he loves me and he did the same.
We had a fight and apparently he was considering a break instead of just leaving (he told his friend this) but our friend intervened and tried to counsel us and things got worse and basically he packed his thing while I was at work, waited till I got home and said he's done and this relationship is not working.
I told him we can try to make it work but he said he has been trying and he can't do it anymore and don't see a future. He said we are 2 different, he can no longer trust me to be honest in how i feel and is tired of us tip toeing around each other and he doesn't want to make it work anymore but still low and care deeply for me and still want to be friends. I rejected him and even refused a hug before he walked out the door and from what I heard he went to house parties and drank the weekend away without even a text from him. He did tell a common fren to check on me but that's it.
I waited till he got sober and moved to our common fren's place before sending him a text saying I still love n miss him and would love to stay at least friends and still hang out as I enjoy his company and he replied saying he doesn't know what he is at the moment and feels blanked but he's glad I decided to be back to friends.
Our common fren said that he is not the sort who will chase or initiate and has a huge ego and if I want him back I will have to do the chasing. He said the ex still lows me but can't deal with the stressful relationship hence offered friendship and I should take it as its the only door to keep things open but I would have to work on myself and be happy and positive and do things with him we both used to enjoy to remind him of positive memories n to forget all the negative vibes while we were still in a relationship.
My concern is that he would move on even more easily since he is now happy and stress free and might feel even happier that he can still enjoy my companionship if he wants to, doesn't feel guilty anymore for hitting me, and I'll be stuck on the friendZone.
I'm sure I can't be just friends with him as it hurts but I'm staying strong without trying to get my hopes up as I believe he's the one I've been searching for all my life. I'm not sure if the issue that led to the problem an be fixed as the main 2 factors of communication n trust is pretty unstable but I'm hoping of we try again n start from scratch it might work and we will become even stronger together.
What do you think ?
Hi there!
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story.
I agree that it was very early but do understand the extent of your relationship and how strong your feelings for each other were seeing as you’ve stated that you were his first proper long term relationship and he's the first person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
It’s great that you know what went wrong in your relationship. Yes communication is extremely vital in any relationship and having problems with it can be completely detrimental to a relationship. You’re a clear example of that. It’s important that you already know what the major issues in your relationship were and once that’s the case, fixing your problems will be so much easier if you both agree that it’s what you want to do.
The fact that he said he wasn’t sure doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to fix things but just that – he’s not sure.
The advice your friend gave you is pretty good and has some valid points: being friends is likely to keep a link or an open door with your ex. Your friend is also right that being happy, positive and reminding him of the good times and not the bad, will make him see your relationship in a different light.
Your concerns are all valid too though. Yes there is a chance that having a more stress-free life and still getting to spend time with you and have you in his life could result in him feeling like the setup is so much better and be reluctant to change things - but I think this is less likely.
I also understand that it would be extremely hard for you to just be friends – it always is when there are deep feelings involved.
You need to weigh out the pros and cons of your options and decide what you think is best. You could decide to cut yourself off from him completely:
• This would eliminate your worries that he may enjoy having a stress-less life and having you be a part of it thus leaving you in the friend zone
• You wouldn’t have to be a friend to him knowing how hard it would be
• It would give him a chance to miss you and realize what life’s like without you – hopefully he’d feel like something major is missing from his life.
You could try being friends with him:
• You wouldn’t lose him completely
• You would be allowed a chance to remind him of the good times and how much fun you could actually have together
• You could allow him to see what he’s missing out on
• This would allow you to get to know each other a bit better.
In my opinion being friends might actually be a good thing for the both of you. You’re relationship progressed at too fast a pace initially: moving in together after a month and everything – maybe this time taking things slow might do you some good. Being friends would allow you to start from scratch and progress your relationship at a better pace.
There is always hope so don’t give up. If you’re meant to be together, trust me you will be.
Good Luck and God Bless
hello there i just recently started noticing that i still have feelings for my ex...he however is in a relationship with a girl that used to be my friend (they been going out for 6 or 7 months)..before that we shared the same group of friends but due to him knowing them first once we broke up they kinda took his side.
ReplyDeleteIt took some time for him to tell me he loved me so that how i know it was real however i broke his heart. After our breakup he said we would remain friends but he completly started ignoring me and began being and ass to me, and things were just akward. we recently hung out for 5 days days and nights with a couple of friends and he was acting a lil bit better..sometimes i feel like he still has feelings for me like theres a tiny spark in the air. Would that be true or am i just giving myself false hopes? what should i do? please hope your advice can help
thank you in advance :)
Hi there!
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story :)
6 or 7 months is quite a long time so I don’t think their relationship would be completely on the rebound (I don’t know how long it was after you broke up that they started dating or how long you were with him before your relationship ended).
You admit to breaking his heart so I think you should probably have a good idea of why he may have treated you horribly after the break up. I understand that he said you would be friends but maybe he was still hurt about what had happened and it only actually sunk in a little later resulting in him being mean to you.
Another possibility is that his new girlfriend could have influenced his behaviour towards you. I don’t know what kind of person she is or the personality she has so I’m not saying this is the case but rather another possibility.
With regards to whether or not there still is a spark or feelings between the two of you, there is a saying that describes this perfectly: ‘Love never goes away. It’s either you were never in love or you always will be.’ Love really doesn’t go away. If he loved you or had deep feelings for you they are still there. Love only fades or goes dormant but if it’s true it can never just go away.
That being said, if he does have feelings for you that doesn’t necessarily mean that he will just leave his new girlfriend for you and everything will be okay; it would depend entirely on the two of you and what you want individually as well as together. There’s another saying that goes: ‘Some people are meant to stay in your heart but not in your life.’
My best advice to you would be to decide what it you want:
• Do you in fact want to try and fix things with your ex?
• Have you worked on the past and what went wrong or could someone just end up hurt again?
• Are you certain that history won’t repeat itself?
• Can you prove to your ex that you won’t break his heart again?
Read here for more on this.
Once you’ve answered these questions, you need to find out how your ex feels about you. Please bear in mind that things are different now and there is someone else involved.
In order to find out for sure how your ex feels about you and whether or not he has completely moved on - if only for closure so that you can move on too - you will need to spend more time with him. Try and decipher his feelings for you without being overbearing or pushy.
Please read here and here for help with this (what to ask, what to say, how to say it, where to say it, etc).
Whether you end up with your ex or someone new, use the past relationship you shared as a learning experience and don’t make the same mistakes again.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Jade!! Few dys ago, my ex bf feel jealous or angry (I don't know what emotion he played on) because he said my skirt is too short. He also asked me the reason why I wear such short skirt too. Further, he also protective towards me as he asked me to be careful since I wear miniskirt. Recently, his behavior is getting weird. He will always grab the chance to look at me whenever I sitting beside him while having lunch. It's really obvious to the extent that sometime I had catch him doing so. When I catch him, he will ask me some question or speak some random topic.
ReplyDeleteWe had break up 6 months ago and he also had gf too. Besides that, I still have stuff left over at his hse and had asked him to return bck to me but he seem reluctant to return to me. Whenever I mention that issue, he will kept silent and change the topic. I also noticed our relationship is emotional affairs since the break up although we do touch and flirt each other. In other people's eyes, we are a couple.
I don't understand why he would acted like that. I do admit I still have feelings and miss him but I had to hide it as I don't want to get hurt again. Isn't that shows to me that he still love me?? What should I do besides asking him his feelings as I dont want to be third party??
Hi there!
DeleteThanks for sharing your story and commenting :)
I hope I will be able to help a little.
I feel that you're right to think that he still has feelings for you. His actions in that he's protective of you, a bit jealous and still a little concerned with your dress sense shows that he does still view you in a 'girlfriend kinda light'.
With regards to still loving you or demonstrating love towards you; I'm not sure how long you were together. Depending on how long your relationship lasted and how deep your feelings for each other were: whether you loved each other or not - he probably still loves you. Love doesn't just go away or die completely. Once you love someone you always will. Sometimes love fades a little or goes dormant because you force it into this position but it can never die. It's either you loved someone and always will or you don't love them and never did.
6 months is not a really long time with regards to getting over someone. It takes different amounts of time for different people; for some people it takes a long time and for others it doesn't. It also depends on how long you were together and how strongly you felt about each other. Please read here for more on this...
The only thing you can do is let things play out. If you don't want to ask him about his feelings then you can leave things and see where they go. In order to avoid being a third party or ending up as a 'friends with benefits' situation, please keep an eye out for this and read here for more on this... If you'd like to find out how he feels so that you can go on with your life (whether with him in it or not) once and for all,please read here...
The only way you can protect yourself from being the 'woman or girl on the side' is by making that clear to him. Allow him to know that you won't just be the extra person. Don't flirt with him, touch him unnecessarily OR KISS HIM ESPECIALLY. If he asks you why you're dressing a certain way or acting a certain way towards him let him know that he has a girlfriend and so that shouldn't be his concern. He'll realize that he can't have both of you and needs to make a decision. Let him see that.
Good luck and God Bless!!!
Hi,my ex and I have split up with each other twice in the year and half we were together.I was needy and impatient and wanted things my way a lot of the time which I have realised I should not of been and I am trying to work on that.My ex says he is still in love with me but it feels different.He has also said he couldn't go through a third split.I understand that but if we got back together I would be in it for the long haul this time.We only split for 3 weeks the first time which I don't think was long enough and never talked about the reasons we did,just painted over it so to speak.He has asked to be friends.I wasn't sure about that as I wanted him back.We have been split up for just over two months this time but are communicating better which is something I believe lead to us splitting.Plus I felt like he had lied to me by not telling me about a female friend he has known for years and needless to say I got jealous of that fact.I still love him but as the days go on I am conflicted.He says he loves me but can't be in a relationship with me anymore.Is there a way that I can rebuild his trust in me? To get him to want to try again?
ReplyDeleteWe are still in contact via text.We have met since we split a few times and unfortunately fell into the 'friends with benefits' situation but I told him thats got to stop.He keeps asking me of I have met anyone else or if any guys have asked me out.
Your advice is much appreciated.
Hi there
DeleteThanks a lot for contacting me. Sorry for the delay in replying. I hope things are much better by now.
I have answered your question in full in an individual article. Please click here: http://relationship-tips-that-work.blogspot.com/2013/07/how-do-i-rebuild-my-exes-trust-in-me.html
Good luck!
Jade
hey jade,
ReplyDeletebasically this dude that i see very very frequently, and when i do speak yo him its just a hi nd bye however. We were all at my friends house (he lives in a mansion sort of thing) it was like a party and he kept flirting with me like play fighting and picking me up and what not. Then it got really late and people were getting tired and wanted to go to bed. So i got into he climbed in after me then we were talking i told him 3 of my best jokes ;) and just genrally spoke about life. After that he put his arm round me and was stroking my stomach and just being reallllyyyyyyy cute like kissing my neck rubbing his nose on my cheek etc.He never tried do anything to sexual wich was great. but he is extrememly handsome and alot of girls like him and he usually just uses girls for sex or when ever he wants them. But he never tried any of that stuff with me,we fell asleep in eachothers arms with out noses touching then we woke up and he asked me if i wanted a lift anywhere or if i wanted to go with my friends do you think he was leading me on and just wanted some thing to tell his friends about or does he genrally like me?xxx
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting. I’m sorry for the delayed response. I hope that things have clarified themselves by now.
Your question doesn’t require an hour-long response because it’s pretty straightforward.
In order to try and know where this guys mind is, a good idea would be to gather or focus on as many facts on the situation as you possibly can. This first thing is to try and find out from others (I’m assuming you have mutual friends or friends in common as you were all at your friends house) ask around even if it’s your friend. You say that he’s known for using girls to get what he wants – maybe find out from those around you how he usually does this: this will help you find out if he does ‘pretend to be’ gentleman like as he was with you or if he usually does just go for things straight up.
Another thing worth trying to find out from those around you is his feelings for you. By asking friends or those who are close to him you’ll know whether he talks about you, what he’s said about you, etc. Be aware for jealous people though – you mentioned that he was handsome and that many like him so be careful not to believe any lies you may here about him. Use your own discretion.
In my opinion, you can have someone use you WI though you letting them. His behavior that night can be explained in a few ways:
- He genuinely has feelings for you and that is why he was so romantic or sweet with you. It could also be the reason why he was taking things slow with you as opposed to just rushing into sleeping with you like he does with other girls who he may not have feelings for.
- He knows that you’re not like other girls and that you’re not going to just sleep with him, which is awesome because he knows your worth.
- He knows that you aren’t ‘easy’ so he could just be going the slow way round – romance you a little before getting what he wants.
It’s hard to know exactly what the situation is BUT I’m leaning more towards him genuinely having feelings for you. I don’t know the guy so I could be completely off but looking at the fact that he’s a guy (forgetting the fact that he usually uses girls – those are rumors in any case) it is really something else that he would cuddle with you as opposed to sleeping with you especially while in a ‘party mood’.
My best advice to you would be to be open-minded and to think of all the possibilities so that you aren’t naïve. No one can use you unless you let him or her. If you want to be with this guy let him work for it and know your worth – keep taking things slow, don’t sleep with him until you’re in an official relationship and ready, avoid a friends with benefits situation, etc.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting. I’m sorry for the delayed response. I hope that things have clarified themselves by now.
Your question doesn’t require an hour-long response because it’s pretty straightforward.
In order to try and know where this guys mind is, a good idea would be to gather or focus on as many facts on the situation as you possibly can. This first thing is to try and find out from others (I’m assuming you have mutual friends or friends in common as you were all at your friends house) ask around even if it’s your friend. You say that he’s known for using girls to get what he wants – maybe find out from those around you how he usually does this: this will help you find out if he does ‘pretend to be’ gentleman like as he was with you or if he usually does just go for things straight up.
Another thing worth trying to find out from those around you is his feelings for you. By asking friends or those who are close to him you’ll know whether he talks about you, what he’s said about you, etc. Be aware for jealous people though – you mentioned that he was handsome and that many like him so be careful not to believe any lies you may here about him. Use your own discretion.
In my opinion, you can have someone use you WI though you letting them. His behavior that night can be explained in a few ways:
- He genuinely has feelings for you and that is why he was so romantic or sweet with you. It could also be the reason why he was taking things slow with you as opposed to just rushing into sleeping with you like he does with other girls who he may not have feelings for.
- He knows that you’re not like other girls and that you’re not going to just sleep with him, which is awesome because he knows your worth.
- He knows that you aren’t ‘easy’ so he could just be going the slow way round – romance you a little before getting what he wants.
It’s hard to know exactly what the situation is BUT I’m leaning more towards him genuinely having feelings for you. I don’t know the guy so I could be completely off but looking at the fact that he’s a guy (forgetting the fact that he usually uses girls – those are rumors in any case) it is really something else that he would cuddle with you as opposed to sleeping with you especially while in a ‘party mood’.
My best advice to you would be to be open-minded and to think of all the possibilities so that you aren’t naïve. No one can use you unless you let him or her. If you want to be with this guy let him work for it and know your worth – keep taking things slow, don’t sleep with him until you’re in an official relationship and ready, avoid a friends with benefits situation, etc.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi there :)
DeleteThanks a lot for commenting. I’m sorry for the delayed response. I hope that things have clarified themselves by now.
Your question doesn’t require an hour-long response because it’s pretty straightforward.
In order to try and know where this guys mind is, a good idea would be to gather or focus on as many facts on the situation as you possibly can. This first thing is to try and find out from others (I’m assuming you have mutual friends or friends in common as you were all at your friends house) ask around even if it’s your friend. You say that he’s known for using girls to get what he wants – maybe find out from those around you how he usually does this: this will help you find out if he does ‘pretend to be’ gentleman like as he was with you or if he usually does just go for things straight up.
Another thing worth trying to find out from those around you is his feelings for you. By asking friends or those who are close to him you’ll know whether he talks about you, what he’s said about you, etc. Be aware for jealous people though – you mentioned that he was handsome and that many like him so be careful not to believe any lies you may here about him. Use your own discretion.
In my opinion, you can have someone use you WI though you letting them. His behavior that night can be explained in a few ways:
- He genuinely has feelings for you and that is why he was so romantic or sweet with you. It could also be the reason why he was taking things slow with you as opposed to just rushing into sleeping with you like he does with other girls who he may not have feelings for.
- He knows that you’re not like other girls and that you’re not going to just sleep with him, which is awesome because he knows your worth.
- He knows that you aren’t ‘easy’ so he could just be going the slow way round – romance you a little before getting what he wants.
It’s hard to know exactly what the situation is BUT I’m leaning more towards him genuinely having feelings for you. I don’t know the guy so I could be completely off but looking at the fact that he’s a guy (forgetting the fact that he usually uses girls – those are rumors in any case) it is really something else that he would cuddle with you as opposed to sleeping with you especially while in a ‘party mood’.
My best advice to you would be to be open-minded and to think of all the possibilities so that you aren’t naïve. No one can use you unless you let him or her. If you want to be with this guy let him work for it and know your worth – keep taking things slow, don’t sleep with him until you’re in an official relationship and ready, avoid a friends with benefits situation, etc.
Good luck and God Bless!
Ex broke up with me 8 weeks ago. He said he meant it when he broke up with me and was trying to move on. He hasn't contacted me in 6 weeks. I still have some hope he'll come back. Is it even possible at this point? I feel like I'm losing my mind thinking this guy will eventually come back. Have a few friends that say he'll be back, it just takes time. It's been so long though. Help!
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn!
DeleteThanks for contacting me and contributing to this site.
I'm really sorry about what you're going through right now.
I think that the worst thing you could possibly do to yourself is holding on to hope and waiting for your ex to come back. I understand that there may be things giving you hope (like your friends saying he may be back with time) but the truth is you don't know that.
My best advice to you would be to try and move on. Try and put him out of your mind. I understand that it's hard and you're trying to be hopeful or optimistic but it's better to move on and have him come back as a surprise then to wait for weeks or months or even years to have him never return. It's been six weeks already and that's a long time to focus all your attention on one person.
Please read:
How to forget your ex / How to move on
Should I wait for my ex or move on? How to tell if your ex wants you back - Question and Answer
Why am I still in love with my ex? How long will it take for me to be over him/her?
The above articles could really help you.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi i have a question my ex broke up with me like 2 months ago and has had little contact with me since started her new job. we have a 2 year old baby so its kind of hard not to see her or talk to her and im trying to figure out a way to get her back without pushing to hard because it seems like she wants space and time, but yet she moved in with a friend who hates me because ive always told my ex that her friend was bad news. i dnt know if she is seeing someone or not i really cant tell just for the fact she has changed so much the last month. she really dnt reply to my texts or even answer my calls like she use to. but when i ask her if she is seeing some she keeps saying no thats shes just trying to focus on getting her life on track and thats why she dnt talk to me much and that im a distraction. i just want closure thats all instead of mixed feeling and hopes. please help me. i just wanna be happy and her to be happy. i have always believed if you love someone you want them to be happy even if it aint with you. I only sit and wonder because she has not yet told me im over us and im moving on. instead she says i wanna see you get your life on track then in the future we will see what happens. and then says i wanna be with u eventually but i cant predict the future so if something happens before us it happens. so i cant really tell i feel like she has moved on in a way but dont know how to just be honest with me about it for what ever reason. please help me. i need closure you seem like you know what your talkin about
ReplyDeleteHi Mike :)
DeleteThank you for contacting me and for contributing to this site.
I'm really sorry about what you're going through right now and can imagine how hard it must be.
With regard to your ex and the baby; you've been a part of the baby’s life all along and it wouldn't be right, ethical or fair for your ex to allow your relationship with her to impact the relationship you should have or do have with your baby. No matter what the outcome between the relationship with you and your ex, you need to make sure that you still have a relationship with your child.
With regard to your relationship with your ex and the current situation; in my opinion it seems like she really is giving you mixed signals.
Please read this article as I have answered your question in much detail here.
I really hope this helps. Please write back if I can help any further or if you'd like to discuss things any more.
Good luck and God Bless!
Is this forum still open? I need help
ReplyDeleteHello :)
DeleteYes it is.
How can I help?
My name is john I hope you can help me. I know th is is long but its a short summary. My ex girlfriend of 1 year and 2 months.. we lived together for a year. We loved eachother .. we were very close. We went through so much together and she pulled me through the mud and helped me get a car and helped me get on my feet. We both met eachothers families. She even called herself auntie to my nephew and neises. We almost had a kid amd it was a miscariage although we wre both excited avout it. She even asked me if we were ever going to get married. I said yes of course when the time is right. Well she staryed acting distant almost 3 months ago. And she moved into her moms house to take care of her siblings. Her mom left town to srart a business. Her ex boyfriend lives at that house. I know.. its weird. They broke up a month before we got together.she became distant and I broke up with her. I told her I didn't mean it and I was just upset but she told me its better we stay part. She said she doesn't love me and never did. She said she thought she did and she tried really hard. Well eventually she tells me she realized she loves her ex. But she told me so many reasons why she left him and can't stand him and how he's a loser. She is trying to work things out with him but I think she's confused. We have been broken up for 2 months and she still wears a ring I bought her from a festival. She contacted me limited througout the two months to small talk and we went to a bar one night 2 weeks into the breakup and we went to our apartment and slept together. And she asked me to cum in her. She said it ment nothing and we have no chance on getting tofether again. We remained on limites contact she initiated most of the contavt and i initiated some. Recently last week she took me out to dinner and the same thing happened where we went to our apartment and she told me to come in her again. And said it ment nothing and we will never work. She said she doesn't want me to be lead on. I told her I am not hoping we get together and I'm doing fine but I care for her amd am willing to make it work. She saod she's in love with her ex still. After that we had small talk for a few days and talked about we should not talk anymore and cut all ties I said okay and she started crying. We kept talking for 2 more days througj small text. And I started initiating more text just to talk and I called her at night and she ignored my call. I called her the next day and she ignored me again. So I texted her saying we should go through cutting ties and give eachother space and that sshe has my number if she needs to call me. I haven't heard from her in two days. Is it really over now? There's no way she doesn't love me. Will we ever work? I love her so much...will sheever ccontact me again?
ReplyDeleteHi John
DeleteThanks a lot for contacting me and sharing your story.
I'm really sorry about all that you're going through and hope that it all gets better really soon. i trust that no matter what happens it will get better.
I've answered your question in a lot of detail over here . Please read this post. If you have any further questions or would like to talk more please contact me again.
Good Luck and God Bless!!!
Correct link: Answer to your post
DeleteJade it won't let me see what you said in that link.. this is john
DeleteHi John
DeleteDid you manage to open the link as indicated above?
Hello it's John again.
ReplyDeleteI hope I am not bothering you to much.
I'm just losing control of my self. ..
For the past two days I've been texting her casually and she wont reply to any of them . I played it cool in all of my text but in the last one I told her I know this is hard for the both off us and said we're doing to best thing we can for each other at the moment. And I know we both think about each other . I told her me texting her is probably making it harder for her and I'm not intending that . I also told her it would be cool if we talked once a week to touch base. And that ide call her in about a week and that it would nice to go have lunch , Nothing serious just something casual.. me texting her with no replies is making me feel like I'm making it worse but I can't help it. I don't want her to be stubborn and really move on. .. I liked it better when she would randomly contact me during the break up. Please help :/ I don't know what I'm doing. ..I don't want to lose her
Hi John
DeleteThe best thing for you to do right now would be to let her be. DON'T CONTACT, HER John. I know it's extremely hard. I know it kills you inside but it's the only thing you can do. By contacting her you are making things worse. You're not allowing her the chance to see what life would be like having you disappear completely from it (whether it would be miserable or not). She can't miss you if you're constantly there calling and texting and lingering. You have to give her a chance to be without you. it's the only thing you can do. Please try this.
xoxo
Hi there.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a few months since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. We were together for 3 years. In all honesty, I was a horrible girlfriend and he was the perfect guy. I wanted to be a better girlfriend and he knows I was trying. It got to the point where we argued so much that he broke up with me. I found out a couple of months later that he met a new girl while we were together. Apparently, they REALLY hit it off after we broke-up and I think they hooked up at a party. During those few months, we couldn't stay away and kept contact with each other. He said things that sounded like he still had feelings for me and also there were times where he was just all-out bitter and mean. I also knew that he had feelings for the other girl AND me, he told me but he was confused. About a couple of weeks ago, he suddenly stopped calling. Every time I call and try to get answers (for closure), he doesn't give me an answer and sounds super annoyed when I call. I found out that he's been talking to her for a while and...I don't know. It really hurts. It sounds like he doesn't care nor miss me and to this day I still await for contact...It just hurts knowing that I used to be a part of someone's life and now I'm not. He seems to be confused with his feelings because by now, he would've been with her or something. Has he moved on? Because if he can't tell me, then someone has to.
Hello :)
DeleteThanks for commenting and sharing your story. I really hope I can help.
I'm sorry for the space that you currently find yourself in and hope that everything clears up for you really soon.
I agree 100% with you; your ex does seem likely to be confused. The fact that he is not officially with the other girl means that he is not certain where he should be or what he should do.
In all honesty, I would tell you to make him decide right now and give you an answer on what he wants to do but somehow that doesn't seem entirely fair. If he were with the other girl it would make perfect sense for him to tell you off so that you can go on with your life but he isn't. I think that eventually you're going to need him to give you a final answer so that you can go on with your life but right at this moment I think what he needs is time. I know it isn't fair on you for you to wait around confused and not knowing what's going on but if you really have feelings for him you'd be able to wait just a little longer especially since you know (in your words) that you made a lot of mistakes and feel that you weren’t the best girlfriend.
The fact that he hasn't just moved on to be with this other girl straight away demonstrates (to me) that he may still have strong feelings for you. 3 years is a really long time and it is no wonder that he can't just move on to the next person so easily.
Please read:
How do I get closure
How to tell how a guy or girl really feels about you 1
How to tell how a guy or girl really feels about you 2
These will explain how to talk to him about meeting up or talking to him over the phone etc. about deciding the way forward for the both of you (whether together or apart). It will explain that you should give him a set amount of time to think things through and then to make a decision about where he should be or who he wants to be with ultimately resulting in you getting closure and being able to move on with your life whether with him as a couple or apart meeting someone else in the future.
I really hope this helps.
Good luck and God Bless
Hi there, I was the one who posted that latest post you replied to.
DeleteI'm really thankful for your advice! Actually...he contacted me a few days ago. Out of the blue. The conversation was really casual and there were some "I miss you"'s or "I just wanted to see how you are" but I was still deeply hurt at the fact that he avoided me abruptly after telling me that he basically didn't care and now after many weeks he acts like nothing has happened. Also, I still don't know if he has made a move with the other girl. Should I be suspicious that he suddenly messaged me and just acts like everything's OK? When in reality...it's not? I've even told him like 5 times exactly how I felt. He really hurt me and I don't think he gets that. What are his intentions? It's not fair that he thinks he can walk all over me after not contacting me for so long. It's just made me angry and left me upset. Is he doing that intentionally...because he thinks he can just go back to me? What do I do? :(
Hi again :)
DeleteThanks for posting again.
I think you're dead right to be upset and hurt. His behavior really is unfair towards you.
You could also be right about his reasoning behind making contact with you. it is indeed very likely that he may be behaving in that way in a hope that he can just 'go back to you'. Yes this is not okay, yes it is unfair but yes it is very possible. He could have tried to see how things go with the other girl and maybe things didn't work out that well and now he wants to come back to you. Only he really knows where his mind is right now or what he's thinking.
The reason for pretending that everything is okay and nothing happened is common behavior in that he's hoping or thinking that if he doesn't fuss about it, make a big deal about it or apologize for it, you will forget about it, won't make a big deal about it either or just let it slide and you can just 'pick up where you left off'. This is definitely not okay.
I think the best thing to do is to casually ask him about it! You need to say to him, 'So how come you're speaking to me now / making contact / being in my life after you..." Express yourself to him and hear what he has to say. if you could do this in person it would be so much better as you would be able to catch him off guard and see his initial / first reaction. First reactions are always the most truthful and you can tell the level of someones honesty merely by watching their behavior.
I hope this is useful!!
Good luck and write back if I can help any more.
God Bless!
xoxo
I just went through a break up with my ex last Sunday evening. He got so fed up with my presence and told me he never wanted to see or talk to me again. He's blocked me on Facebook, we used to be best friends. What I want to know is if its a bad idea to email him or write him a letter after a couple of months have gone by with no contact, to apologize for not being the person he thought I was. It hurts knowing that I was nothing but good to him and I was pushed away for no good reason, except that I made his life a nightmare(according to him). What should I do? I mean that fact that I'm living in the same town where we first met and where our memories together really began, all that I've been through. Not to mention he said he can't imagine being with another woman, but yet he goes and shatters my heart into a million pieces (again). Any advice on how to really get over him and attract someone better?
ReplyDelete