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Friday, March 31, 2017

Do I still stand a chance with someone who has a boyfriend / girlfriend or is in a relationship?

How can I maintain a platonic relationship with someone who has a boyfriend / girlfriend? Is it possible to remain close to someone who is in a relationship? Do I still stand a chance with someone who is in a relationship with someone else? How can I maintain a relationship with someone who is dating someone else without breaking up their relationship or coming between them and respecting their boundaries?

There can be nothing harder than having chemistry with someone and hitting it off only to find out that they are currently in a relationship. In order to avoid deeper hard break or disappointment, it is usually best to get the "are you in a relationship" question out the way as soon as possible. The sooner you know this the better.
There could be nothing worse than finding this out after a few weeks or months only.  The sooner you know - the better


That being said, if you are a high value man or woman, you will respect the fact that someone is in a relationship and not actively take up the role of "the other man / woman" or the cause of their break-up. This is not to say that you should give up on the other person entirely though. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you just found out that the person you are interested in is in a relationship, then this article is for you.

My best advice would be to let the other person (who is in the relationship) lead things. You need to remain in the "friends" seat.

Please note the following:

-          Let the one in the relationship determine your relationship and follow their lead. You are really awesome for not wanting to get in-between two people. By letting the one in the relationship lead you will be sure to stay within the boundaries they set.
By this I mean, everyone has different relationships.
For one couple, for example, talking to or hanging out with a member of the opposite sex may be viewed as cheating or not okay whereas for another couple, friends of the opposite sex may be completely fine. T
he one in the relationship knows the boundaries and limits of their relationship (especially if the relationship is relatively new,) so let them set the pace.

-          By letting the one in the relationship determine the relationship, let him / her take the lead in contact as well. Don't be the one constantly calling or texting. Let him/her set the pace. Maybe take turns initiating contact if you must but let him/her go first. Let him/her set the pace for how often contact is made, for example.


-          Be “That Friend".
It's important to know that new relationships especially can be rocky and in general unpredictable. For the first few weeks sometimes even months you don't know whether or not things will last. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.
I always set myself a general 3 month mark rule. I always said that if I make it past the 3 month mark with someone that’s how I know the relationship is going to be a long term or forever one. So far that’s exactly how it's been! The first guy I made the 3 month mark with I ended up dating for 5 years. The other I made the 3 month mark with I ended up marrying. Every other relationship I had lasted under 3 months (sometimes a month. Sometimes a few weeks).
-          The above being said, you may want to take the "waiting in the wings" approach. 
In this you'd need to hang around making contact occasionally or maintaining contact when he/she makes contact, being the awesome, friendly and happy person you are and staying in his/her life while he/she sees where their current relationship is going. In that there is a possibility that should the relationship not work out - you will get your shot, or he/she might realize that their current partner doesn’t compare to you. Of course there is the risk that you could stay in the 'friend zone" forever but I would see this as a risk you should be willing to take.

Another approach to take probably in conjunction to the above mentioned one is being their 'go to guy/girl' / shoulder to cry on / happy place.
This is also somewhat of a friend BUT you need to bear in mind that women especially are generally emotional people. We get more attached and connected to someone on an emotional level or if they appeal to us and connect with us emotionally (that's why emotional affairs can be viewed as such a major thing) 
Please read "What are Emotional affairs? Emotional affairs vs Physical Affairs" (http://relationship-tips-that-work.blogspot.co.za/2012/06/what-are-emotional-affairs-emotional.html) if you haven't yet.

In line with this, be there for the one in the relationship

* Check in with them occasionally and generally show interest in their life - how she's been, how his days been, how everything is going. Whether or not he/she is okay: let them feel like you care.
*  Show interest in things he/she tells you if he/she confides in you. Don’t seem fake - they will know. Show genuine interest and care.
* As a human beings, when we are upset or hurt (especially by your partner / boyfriend/girlfriend) we are most likely to need a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to or complain to or just someone to talk to - you need to be this person.


As an alternative to all of the above, of course, you could just cut your losses and walk away… 
This is a decision or choice only you can make. I'm assuming you've spent time with this person or know them relatively well so you should know now what you're willing to do and how "worth it" he/she is. How much are you willing to invest? How much time, energy, hope? 
Only you can decide.

Please do remember that it is never okay to break up someones relationship or "steal" someones partner (I don't believe someone can be "stolen" though - that's a topic for another day). I live by the philosophy - If he/she cheated with you, he/she will cheat on you. You need to approach this in such a way that if you end up with this person it is because he or she pursued you and their relationship ended because it didn't work out, wasn't meant to be or wasn't right for them - not because you actively pursued the person or contributed to the ending of their relationship. You should be playing more of a hanging around waiting and hopping their relationship status changes type of role.

I really hope this helps you a bit :)
If you have any questions, please comment below!
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