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Will he ever change? Will she ever change? How can I make him change? How can I make her behave differently?
Put simply; No! He/she won't change and there is no way YOU can MAKE him/her act or behave any differently.
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By asking the above questions what you're basically asking is; "is there any way for him/her to become less like him/her and more like me" and when said in that way it becomes easy to see how obviously ridiculous that question actually is.
If you met him partying up a storm, drinking till 1am or flirting with anyone who came in the bar; chances are that that's exactly what he's going to do until he eventually outgrows it, gets bored of it or finds something else to do.
If you met her lazing around, staying out till late or being completely independent than that's the way it's going to stay too.
There is no quick fix. Many of us need to learn the hard way that there is no solution to the "habits" of our partners. You can't just make him/her stop their ways because "they love you". Instead what often happens is instead of it being stopped it is made dormant or put off just long enough to get you to do what he/she wants, get a deeper commitment (marriage) or in an aim to prove that he/she loves you.
The problem arises when the same behaviour pops up again later on in the relationship or he/she shows resentment towards you for the fact that you "forced" him/her to drop whatever it is he/she was doing in order to please you.
It's basically a loose-loose situation. In order to stay on the safe side, spare yourself the trouble and let it go. Either stay with him/her with all the partying, flirting or drinking or move on to someone with habits you find a little more bearable. If you can't change the habit change your partner. It's easier then a lifetime with someone who's habits don't match up to your personality.
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It should be easy and comfy to live with an individual who has his or her own habits and way of life. If you uneasy from the beginning - it'll be worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment :)
ReplyDeleteSo true!!! That's something many people don't get. Things aren't going to get "better" so you need to be "okay" with the current situation in order for it to work or it's worthless.
That's so true.. Things weren't going well between my ex and I, after a few weeks into our relationship. I thought things would turn out better if I give a little bit more of myself each time I broke up with him.. trying so hard to improve the relationship. Eventually, I felt that I was losing more of myself in accommodating his behaviour while he kept to his ways. There came to a point I felt imbalanced and I know that I must let him go to keep my sanity, not forgetting being very heartbroken because I truly loved and cared for him.
ReplyDeleteThrough this experience, I've learned to trust my gut feelings more.. As a child, we would avoid individuals that make us feel uneasy. However, education has taught us to not "judge a book by its cover", "give the person the benefit of the doubt", "give in order to receive"..
All these made me give him a chance to be friends and to know each other better and before I realised, I had fallen in love with him. Although I had tried in many ways to show him love and kindness and to be a more pleasant person, he never changed for the better. In fact, it was more of "Familiarity breeds contempt".
So, it's true that if you have an uneasy feeling from the beginning, don't be too kind to think that they would change for the better if they love you. Don't give them a place in your heart even if they show very much that they love you and want you. Let them go and save yourself from all the heartache.
Hi there!
DeleteThanks a lot for the reply.
Many people often find themselves in the exact same position. We try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt or another chance only to find that we could have spared ourselves a lot of heartache and misery had we not done that.
As with everything, I guess there is ''the exception to the rule' where you might give him / her a chance and have him / her change or become a better person but the chances of that are very rare and it's more likely that he / she will never changed. Like well known Psychologist Dr Phil often says - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Jade