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We’ve been in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship since the break-up but I ended it when I started dating someone else. He seemed unhappy about it and said I should end the new relationship and just be his friend with benefits. I have told him how I feel about him and that I want to be with him but he never really says anything about it.
When I saw him a few days ago he wanted to talk about all the good times we had and how we met and first started dating. I am so confused and I just want him and I to be together but I can't tell if he wants that too or if he is just playing with my emotions.
Advice please?
Hi there
There is no worse place to be then being caught in the ‘friends with benefits’ trap especially with an ex. The fact that he broke up with you and then wanted you as his 'friend with benefits' goes to show that he ended things not because he felt that he ‘didn’t have feelings for you anymore’ but because he felt that he wanted to be with you and be able to do whatever else he wanted (seeing or spending time with other people, dating other people, staying out late, etc.) without feeling like he’s cheating or that he owes you any explanations for it.
I think that you were very right to end things when you started dating someone else and that you should not at all end your current relationship to be his 'friend with benefits' again – DON’T DO IT PLEASE.
I think that you badly need to put yourself first:
- Is that really what you want – to just be his ‘friend with benefits’?
- Do you have deeper feelings for him then just being one of the people he has a relationship with?
- Is the only reason why you keep agreeing to be his 'friend with benefits' because you feel that at least you’ll still be in some kind of a relationship with him?
You need to think about all of this and decide what is best for you. Not only is being his ‘friend with benefits’ bad for your emotional state considering the fact that you clearly still have feelings for him, it’s also bad in a sense that it’s dangerous for your health. There are tons of diseases and illness you could get sleeping with or even just kissing someone who’s doing the same with tons of other people. You need to put yourself and your health first.
I understand that you love him and have deep feelings for him but do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t love you or respect you the same? If he cared about you or loved you as much or as deeply as you do him he would be willing to be with you exclusively without making you 'one of his women’.
I know this sounds really horrible but I don’t want you to end up even worse off in the end.
If you really want to be with him talk to him about it:
- Set up a date or hang out time and ask him how he could break up with you saying he had no feelings for you but then still want you as a 'friend with benefits'.
- Ask him if he regrets saying what he said or breaking up with you (people’s feelings do change).
- Tell him that you can’t be with someone who’s not being with you exclusively.
- Tell him that you won’t break up with your current boyfriend to be someone else’s fling.
- Tell him that he needs to decide how he feels about you and what he wants because you know how you feel about him: You know that you have deep feelings for him and you don’t want to be only his 'friend with benefits' anymore. If you can’t have him exclusively you don’t want any part of him at all.
I know that it will be hard – trust me I really do – but it will be for the best. You need to do this for you. We show people how to treat us and by letting him just do as he pleases you’re really not valuing yourself as you should. You seem like a really awesome person and you should be treated as such.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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