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Saturday, November 2, 2013

If she broke up with me, why is she miserable and I'm okay?

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Hi. 

My ex ended things a few weeks ago. Later in our relationship we fought all the time until she got completely fed up and ended things to be happy. She started dating someone else leaving me devastated! I decided to get back together with my former ex and she found out. she texted me saying "I hope he treats you better this time" and then four hours later in the morning she texted me saying "You're doing the wrong thing". I didn't reply.

Recently, I found out that she isn't doing that great. She's been angry, sad, not eating, drinking, smoking and on the brink of a breakdown. 

I don't get it. She broke up with me so why is she the one who's falling apart and I'm alright? I miss her and I really do want her back. I haven't made any contact with her. I need her to reach out to me. 

Thanks for reading. 
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Hi there :)

I can fully understand why you’re looking to her to make the first move seeing as she ended things. You know her better than anyone else though so you should know her personality. The thing is, sometimes our egos get in the way of us saying or doing something we’re dying to do. Is your ex someone with a major ego? Does she have tons of pride? This could be preventing her from reaching out to you even if she wants to.

What you need to understand with regards to the fact that she’s clearly miserable (as you pointed out) is that despite the fact that she ended things, break-ups are horrible for both people involved especially during the ending of a long term relationship. The fact that she ended things doesn’t necessarily mean that she was happy about it. Like you said; you fought a lot during the latter part of your relationship so she may have ended things due to the fact that she thought it may be best.

Her messaging you to tell you you’re doing the wrong thing seems to me like nothing was what she wanted it to be. It seems to me like when she broke up with you she may not have wanted things to turn out the way that they did. Maybe she wanted you to realize that the relationship needed to be worked on or maybe she wanted you to fight for her; only she knows.

I think that you the only one who can decide what to do next. Like I mentioned priory, pride has the power to end or prevent good relationships and that pride could be keeping you and her apart. She could be kept from reaching out to you through pride and you are avoiding contacting her for all the same reasons.

If you decide to stick to not reaching out to her and waiting for her to make the next move this could end in two ways: either she won’t reach out to you and you’ll both go on waiting for each other to make the next move or her love and need for you will outweigh her pride and she’ll reach out to you.

You need to think out the pros and cons of your decision to avoid contact and wait on her. Remember, contacting her doesn’t necessarily mean begging her to take you back or telling her you miss her and love her or anything like that if that’s what you’re trying to avoid. It could be just as simple as showing her that you don’t harbour any hard feelings against her and that you understand that she’s going through a hard time (the drinking, etc.) and that you’ll still be there for her if she needs you even if it is as a friend. If you take this role you could allow her to feel more open to you and she’d be more likely to reach out to you. From what you said she did make contact telling you that you were making the wrong decision but you didn’t reply. This could have been interpreted to her as you being mad, not wanting to talk to her, or not wanting to have anything to do with her. The way that situation was handled could have made her less likely to contact you.

Do what would be best for you. If you do contact her don’t bring anything up with regards to your past relationship – let it come from her.

Trust and believe that if you’re meant to be together you will be.

Good luck and God Bless
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6 comments:

  1. Thank You soooooooo much for this wonderful response! That makes so much sense.

    I have an update, we started talking for a little while. I kept our contact limited, like I would reply every three days or up to a week. She called me and missed her call, but I didn't call her back.

    She's still with the person she left me with. Now, she went from being nice to being mean to me, like she hates me and regrets being with me. I don't understand why because we both moved on and have other people in our lives. I respected her after the breakup and everything. Since I no longer have feelings for her because she changed. I thought I could get some advice from her. It was about my new boyfriend. I sent her an email asking for advice and she responded with "I don't care, Leave me alone" I'm sitting here like what did I do to her. So I left her alone. What was her problem? Could it be her new relationship not going to well? Or she hates me and wants to forget me now? I feel like I don't exist to her anymore anyway.

    And to answer your question, she does have an ego and pride.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello again

      I’m so glad you found this article helpful :)

      No one knows what’s going through your exes head but her.

      Yes it is possible that she’s upset because her new relationship isn’t going well and yes it could be that she wants to forget you but I still think it’s all due to the fact that her plan failed miserably. In my opinion none of this is what she expected or hoped and so she’s really frustrated about how it all turned out.
      It’s clear that she obviously did or does still have feelings for you and that’s why she kept contact with you despite her ego and pride.

      I think that if you’ve moved on fully and are really happy with where you are and don’t have feelings for her any longer or are okay with going on without her - then you should do just that. Don’t focus so much attention on her; what she’s doing, who she’d doing it with, what she thinks you should do about your new boyfriend – it should all be irrelevant to you.

      I get that you wanted her advice but from a general point of view the last thing most people want is their ex asking them for advice on how to please the new person in their lives. It could possibly be a tad bit annoying (mostly if you still have feelings for the other person which I still think she does for you.)

      If you want to break away from this situation then you need to do it completely. Like you said, you decided to leave her alone – stick to that. Don’t contact her or try to patch things up or anything like that. You’re in a new relationship and that’s where your full attention and loyalties should be. By focusing some or most of your attention on your ex and trying to figure her out or what she wants you’re robbing your current boyfriend of time and energy which should rightfully be his.

      Keep well and God Bless!

      Delete
  2. Hi. Thank you once again! You are good. I'm done with her like seriously and my friend wasn't making it any easier. She'll tell me how she would tweet depressing things about her new relationship and when she replies to one of them, she'll tweet about how happy she is with her new girlfriend and things like that seconds later. It's like she's doing that to make me jealous or to make it seem like she's doing great without me because she know that my friend would come back and tell me. Ever since then, I'll just ignore my friend and focus on me.

    If she still has feelings for me, she's doing a good job by hiding it because she was being a douche to me the last times that I was talking to her. Now it's like I don't exist anymore and what we had was nothing..smh. We were cool with each other earlier, now she's a different person and she was the dumper. It used to hurt, but now I just don't care. I've been keeping my distance.

    Gosh I wish I had your email address to avoid putting my business out here haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey :)

      Glad you find me helpful lol :D

      It’s awesome that you decided to ignore even your friend and focus on yourself. That’s awesome! I’m really proud of you for doing that. You should always come first and make sure you make decisions and associate with people who support that. You’re right to want to keep your distance from her too. If she’s causing you nothing but heartache and hurt then why would you want to expose yourself to that?

      I think you’re doing awesome right now. Go on with your life and move past this relationship. Let whatever happens happen but don’t focus any more attention on her, what she’s doing with her life or how she feels about you. You’d just be bringing negative energy into your life and giving yourself a negative mind-set which won’t help you in anyway. If you’re still with your new partner, concentrate on him and your new relationship. Leave the old one in the past where it belongs. There is a saying that goes: you can’t start a new chapter in your life if you keep reading over the old one. If you stay stuck in the past you will never get to your better future.

      You could reach me by visiting the ‘contact me’ page. It has my email address and everything :)

      My email address is: Lovelifeandrelationships@gmail.com though.

      Everything of the best and keep in touch.
      God Bless!!!

      Delete
  3. Thanks again. You're on a roll lol! I've sent you an email. See you there :)

    ReplyDelete

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Shaylee has a secret she's been hiding from everyone... Beneath her brave exterior lies a girl bruised and scarred by life but strong enough to make it through anything. Moral of the story: Sometimes we don't find love because we don't know what to look for.