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Friday, November 23, 2012

Our relationship ended due to being a love triangle: How can I figure out what’s on his mind and what he’s feeling??

Image courtesy of Marin/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Hi Jade... 

I have some issues and need your opinion...

Our relationship ended 3 months ago due to being a love triangle...

My ex asked that we remain friends because he didn’t want me totally gone from his life. We did become friends and also see each other a lot because we work together. The problem is that it feels like we’re getting closer and sometimes it seems like we’re going back to where we were before we started dating... 
His current girlfriend knew about me and once when I was out with him she called knowing I was with him and demanded that he didn’t hang out with me or be friends with me. My ex said he couldn't make it as we could still chat along well.

It’s very confusing because I don't know what to do. He’s desperately trying to get my attention. I sit right in front of him so when we both look at our computers, we can see each other clearly… Like today - I looked at my computer and he looked at me like I was looking at him. Then he tried to get my attention by making actions like blinking his eyes noticeably but I didn't want to look up at him because I felt like I shouldn't… like If I did it would be like he would think I haven’t moved on. When he saw that he wasn’t getting my attention he got up and came to my work station to talk to me. It didn’t even make much sense because the question he asked me was something he knew already. I couldn’t figure out whether he was doing it on purpose or as an excuse to talk to me or what. He also pokes my waist when he’s trying to talk to me and I just whack him back or something...

A month has passed since he mentioned having my stuff at his house but he still hasn’t returned it yet... I asked that he pack it for me when he brought it up but he said that he was keeping it in his safety locker password protected because he was worried his girlfriend might see it. If he’s afraid she’ll see it, I really don’t know why he’s keeping it then. I’m sure he opens it.

Should I stay close with him?? How can I figure out what’s on his mind and what he’s feeling?? What are some signs I could notice with regards to his feelings?? 
Hi there :)

Thanks a lot for commenting and sharing your story. I hope I will be able to help you a little.
It is clear from all that you’ve said that your ex is still attracted to you.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I’m not sure how long you were together or how the relationship ended off as a love triangle: did he cheat on you? Did you meet him and start dating while he was already with someone else? Did he leave you because there was someone else? Did you break-up with him because of the other person? It’s a rather complex situation.

I think that being civil with each other (talking to each other, greeting each other, etc.) is probably the best thing to do seeing as you work together and it would be highly uncomfortable if you ignored each other or didn’t get a long and then had to see each other every day at work. 
He suggesting you stay friends was for selfish reasons though (like you said it was so that he could still have you in his life) so whether or not this is okay with you is your decision to make.
Are you happy with being friends with him? Are you okay with it? Does it upset you or make you feel uncomfortable or upset in anyway?
If it does then stick to being civil (just greeting and talking when you need to) and not being full on friends (chatting unnecessarily, phone calls, texts, etc.) until you’re ready.

Let him know how you feel with regards to the situation if you’re not okay with it. I don’t want you to end up being in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship or ending up as ‘the other woman (read 'can ex's still be friends')’ if that’s not where you want to be. Hurting you might not at all be his intention but for your own good you need to make sure of this. 

Why don’t you talk to him and tell him what you’re telling me? Tell him that you feel that you’re getting close and that you like how it feels but that you don’t want to end up in the same position you were previously and that he should be open with you with regards to his plans or intentions with you. Tell him that you don’t want him to be with you and someone else. If he wants to be with you it should be only you.

1Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It’s clear that by winking, coming over to talk to you unnecessarily and touching you playfully that he is flirting with you. He does still find you attractive and possibly still has feelings for you.  By him keeping your stuff he is also trying to hang on to some sort of connection with you. The longer he has your stuff the longer he has some reason to keep contact with you – you still need to get it back so it will be another chance that he gets to see you. This is his ‘last resort’ plan so that if you decide you don’t want to be friends or see him anymore then at least he’ll have one last time to be with you – when you get your stuff or ask about it.

You’ve been in the position before so you know how it ended the last time – is it really somewhere you’d like to be again? 
You have the power to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself. By being clear about what you want and what you don’t want you can have the relationship you’d like.

To find out more about how he feels about you and how you should ask him or make your feelings known to him please read:
    ·       How to write your ex a letter

Just put yourself first, be clear about what you want and make the best decision for you. You’re doing great by not making him feel like you’re not over him (considering whether or not you should look at him and everything when he’s obviously trying to get your attention like with the winking.) You’re really doing awesome. Hang on in there.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Shaylee has a secret she's been hiding from everyone... Beneath her brave exterior lies a girl bruised and scarred by life but strong enough to make it through anything. Moral of the story: Sometimes we don't find love because we don't know what to look for.