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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

She can’t forgive me for ending our relationship. I would do anything for another chance with her. Should I keep trying or just give up?

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Can I please have some advice

I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago during an argument. I really regret it and didn’t mean it. 

We work together so I see her around two times a week for a short time. 
She chats to me like a friend, but never enquires about how I’m doing or what I’ve been up to. She’ll only say things like “hope you’re paying your bills” or “hope you’re going to college” almost like she has pity for me. She has said that she still feels for me but was upset for some time near the end of the relationship.

I’m torn and have attempted to get her back numerous times; I even stopped for a while.
It’s like all she does right now is going out drinking and having fun with her friends. My heart would break if she’s really just moved on so quickly even though we were together for three years.
I have no idea what to do.
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She doesn’t contact me and it’s like she doesn’t care at all despite the fact that she said she still had feelings there.

I’ve begged her to try because I’m eager to try. I really know I can make things work but she doesn’t seem to have any hope for us at all.
I really hurt her badly when I broke up with her and ended our relationship and I’m in denial.
It’s like she just can’t forgive me for putting an end to our relationship.
I would do anything for another chance with her.

Should I keep my distance now? I have thought about ignoring her at work in hope that she’d chase after me for a change but don’t know if that’s the best thing to do.
Should I keep trying or just give up?

She might be messaging other guys. I know she’d added 2 on Facebook since the break-up and they’re contacts on her phone too. She’s very secretive now.

I’d appreciate any advice,
thanks 

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Hi there :)

Thanks for commenting and contributing towards this site. I hope that I can help a little.
I’m sorry about your break-up and your current situation.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I’m not entirely sure what’s going on in your ex’s head but it could basically go either way right now. There is always hope until you make her make a choice or finalize things for good but like I said it could basically go either way.

I understand that you regret the decision you made and that you know you hurt her by it. That’s unfortunately something that you can’t take back. Making irrational decisions like break-ups are often most commonly made when angry or upset and that’s why it’s always important to think things through and wait for your emotions to settle before making such decisions. Please read here for more on this.

She seems to be handling the whole situation and break-up really well and maturely. I know that she’s hurt and like you said she was or is really upset but considering the situation she’s really handling everything extremely well. Whether she’s really falling apart on the inside or really doing okay, she isn’t being immature about it or holding any apparent grudges – she’s being civil with you at least.

If she told you that she still has feelings for you then she was telling you the truth and you can be assured about it. The fact that she still checks up on you with regards to important things such as college and bills shows that she does still value or care about you. A three year long relationship won’t just disappear into nowhere after two months. There are usually deep feelings involved in long term relationships so it is no surprise that you both still have feeling for each other.
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I’m not sure what you’ve done to show her that you care or tell her that you’re sorry. I get that you say that you’ve tried but I don’t know exactly what you did or said. It seems like you’re putting a lot on hinting that you’d like her to ask about how you are or what you’ve been up to and stuff but if she isn’t doing this maybe you should: ask her how she's doing, what she's been up to, how her life is, etc.
You need to remember that you ended things so she’s less likely to want to appear ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’ asking you about your life or showing major interest in it. I think she’s actually doing a lot by speaking to you about college and everything.


I wouldn’t say that she’s ‘moved on’ in all entirety but just that she’s come to terms with the situation and what happened and is doing what’s best for her. It wouldn’t be healthy or recommended for her to stay around moping or being depressed over the fact that you ended things. By her going out and spending time with her friends at least she gets to have fun, spend time with those who care for her and get her mind off the previous relationship (if it’s still on her mind a lot). 
You ended things with her – there is a very little chance that she will show you how torn up or upset she is about everything even if she is.

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With regards to the guys she speaks to, has on Facebook or the extent to which she appears to be secretive or keeping things to herself – that’s how break-ups go. She may or may not just be friends with those guys but that’s just something that comes with being broken up: people meet other people, get to know other people or become friends with other people. That doesn’t mean that if she has any feelings for you they all going to just disappear or anything; they're still going to be there. It just means that she’s trying to go on with her life.

My best advice to you would be to clear up everything for yourself. I know that you hurt her and regret what you did but you also can’t be ‘punished’ with this forever. You need to speak to her and let her know exactly how you feel (how much you care about her, that you love her, that you're sorry and that you want another chance) and that you want her to let you know whether or not she’s willing to give you another chance to make things right with her. Tell her that you’re okay with starting slow: being really good friends, going on another ‘first date’, etc. Let her know that you want to let her see that you’re sorry and that you’ll do whatever it takes to win her love and trust back again.
Tell her that you want her to be happy, you want her to make a decision that will make her happy and that if being with someone else or being without you will her make her happy then as hard as that will be you will accept that, respect that and move on. Tell her that you’ll stop trying to get her back and all of that if it’s what she truly wants.

Please read:
Tips on finding out how someone feels about you (how to set up a meeting, where to meet and how to behave) - part 1
Tips on finding out how someone feels about you (Deciding between conversation and a letter, how to have 'the talk' and dealing with the outcome) - part 2
These articles will help you greatly.

You need to be okay with whatever the outcome is and know that whether or not she decides to be with you at least you will be able to move on and put this whole thing to rest once and for all. Either you will move on with your life with her as a couple or you will move on as an individual and find love elsewhere.

Hang on in there.

Good Luck and God Bless!


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