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Friday, December 7, 2012

I really feel that she loves me and wants me deep down, but she’s scared of what happened in the past...

Hi Jade, 

You give great advice, and I wouldn't go to anyone but you for it! So here it goes:

Image courtesy of Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Things ended with my ex in March. I am sick of the games and don't get what’s going on. We’ve had limited contact during the break-up. We have birthdays within a month, and that's when things got confusing. 
A mutual told me that my ex has been asking about me a lot. She enquires about how I’m doing and whether or not I’m dating and stuff. My friend knows I still want my ex back so he was curious to find out how she feels about me and decided to ask her. I’m not sure how spiritual you are Jade, but I have a deep belief in the power of a prayer. So that night, I prayed to God for a sign on which way he wants me to go and if I should pursue this. I asked Him for a sign on what to do, because I’m sick of feeling like a prisoner.

The very next day I ran into my ex at the mall! I saw that as being God's sign for me to talk to her again. I start texting her casually (a couple of days after my birthday, I hadn’t responded to the text she sent me for my birthday.) Back to the conversation my friend had with my ex. My friend kept asking her if she was finished with me, and he said "if things changed would you want to be with him"? She kept answering everything with - “I just don't know". She was talking about issues that she has with me, but she couldn't give a straight yes or no answer that she was done with me.

After we start texting back and forth after the meeting at the mall, she agreed to hang out with me! We both had to cancel though coz we were sick, so I sent her a text suggesting we reschedule. She said she’d be out of town that weekend, and would text me the next day. She never did. I texted her again saying that I didn’t want to play games and that if she didn’t want to see me she should have just said so. She replied saying “Jesse, we aren’t getting back together, I don't think I can re-connect, I am way too busy and I just don't know if I can re-connect.” I replied back saying “re-connect? I just wanted to see you and check how things were.” She replied back “oh, that's not how Kevin (our mutual friend) made it seem, he made it look like you wanted me back.” Then she suddenly said “I don't even know why we keep randomly talking.” So I replied back “wow, that hurts, now I know where you stand. You won't be hearing from me again, goodbye.” She replied something back but I didn’t respond.

Her birthday past three weeks later and I didn’t send her a birthday text or anything. Two days later, she sent me a Facebook friend request. My profiles public, so she can see everything anyway so I don’t know why she did that. I am so confused on everything right now especially the whole Facebook friend request thing considering how we left things. I really feel that she loves me and wants me deep down, but she’s scared of what happened in the past.

Please help! 

With love,


Hey Jesse!

Thanks for the compliment :)

I really hope that I will be able to help.
Image courtesy of jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am EXTREMELY spiritual :). I do believe in Prayer. I too have Prayed for signs on numbers of occasions and as it is I don’t believe in coincidences – only fate, destiny and Gods will.
I don’t know if it was a sign that you bumped into your ex but like I said I don’t believe in coincidences. 

I’m not sure why you didn’t reply her text she sent you for your birthday though. Maybe you should have replied it. No use in going back to what’s passed though. It’s good that you texted her a couple of days later.

I’m not entirely sure how things ended, why they ended or who ended it but it’s obvious that things didn’t really end well between the two of you. The fact that you felt the need to minimize contact after the break-up and not replying the Birthday text she sent you as well as her being hesitant to want to fix things with you shows that the situation has a fair amount of complexities. I understand that things ended like 9 months ago but most relationships (especially long term ones) don’t have a fixed term of healing time attached to them. It all depends on feelings, love and bonds and not on how much time has passed since the break-up or even since the last time you saw each other.

I think that her not being able to give your friend a straight answer shows that she herself is confused with the situation. I can tell you for sure that she is not over you. That doesn’t mean that you will get back together right now or even ever again but it does mean that feelings especially deep ones or those of love don’t just disappear. The fact that she still texts you on important dates like that of your birthday and that she couldn’t give your friend a straight answer both point to this.

I get that she freaked out and told you that she didn’t THINK she could re-connect but I somehow feel that she was being more honest with your friend in saying 'I don’t know’ then she was with you in saying that she didn’t want to fix things. When looking at your conversation it seems to me like she felt under pressure or freaked out and thus resorted to saying that she didn’t THINK she could re-connect. It also seems like she was almost hoping that you would try and persuade her otherwise as she seemed to be a little disappointed when you said “re connect? I just wanted to see you and see how things are.” And thus replied “oh, that's not what Kevin made it seem like, he made it seem like you wanted me back.” By her saying “I don't even know why we keep randomly talking.”  It seems to me like she was upset by you saying that that’s not what you wanted either instead of arguing with her / fighting for her and was thus trying to hurt you back. I don’t really know what kind of person she is – you do but that’s just what it seems like to me. I could be wrong. This is just my reading of the conversation.

Image courtesy of FrameAngel
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Also I’m not sure what she replied back after you said “wow, that hurts ... goodbye.” but depending on what she said you were probably right or wrong not to reply. I can’t be sure because I have no idea what was said. If you agreed to cut all contact (seeing as you said she won’t be hearing from you again – if she went with it in the reply she sent) then you were right to have kept your word by holding back from messaging her for her birthday. I can imagine that must have been hard for you but its good that you stuck it through even if it was.

I think that the fact that she sent you a friendship request on Facebook supports what I’ve said earlier – she wants to keep contact with you and have you in her life but like she demonstrated by saying “I don’t know’ to your friend – she’s just not sure. You know this Jess because you’ve said yourself that you feel like she’s scared about the obstacles in the past.

Like I said in the beginning of my reply, the way things end and the reason for them ending have a large impact on the relationship going forward. I feel that you’re right and that there is a huge possibility that she does want you back. If she was sure that she didn’t she wouldn’t have said she didn’t know to your friend and she wouldn’t have freaked out about you telling her that you weren’t talking about getting back together you were just checking how everything was. I think that you should have probably been honest with her at that time that you do want to fix things instead of lying about it in a way because if you look at what she said, she said she didn’t THINK she could reconnect and that she didn’t KNOW if she could. She didn’t say that she didn’t want to or was over the whole thing. I really think she felt hurt by your response.

The best advice I could give you is to think about what you really want. If you really want to fix things with her then set your mind on it and get to it but know that you can’t freak out and be dishonest about it when things seem to get heated – like in the conversation you had regarding what your friend said - because that just confuses everything more. 
If you want her to be honest with you about her feelings you need to be honest about yours. Neither of you should be playing games and it seems like in a way you both are. She seems generally confused about everything and you seem a little scared to let her know how you really feel which is understandable but won’t help either of you get anywhere.

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Once you know what you want you need to get to obtaining it. You can’t make her get back together with you but you can find out once and for all whether or not it’s going to happen. Once you know what you want you need to make her decide what it is she wants. It’s not good for you to be given all these mixed signals either. 

When you’ve decided what you want I suggest you set up a meet up with her and give her the chance to decide whether she wants you back in her life or not. It’s clear that you’re awesome when it comes to deciding to move on by avoiding contact and living your own life (like you showed by the reply you sent her and by not texting her on her birthday and everything) so she should know that if you say that’s what you’re going to do you mean it.

Please read:
Ten tips in finding out how someone feels about you - Part 1Ten tips in finding out how someone feels about you - Part 2
and How to write your ex a letter for more on this. These articles will give you all the information you need with regards to talking to her about it, getting her to make a decision and going on with your life whether it be together as a couple or separately.

If you feel that you can’t handle being completely separated from her if she decides that she doesn’t want to fix things or you feel that you both need more time to decide what it is you want then I suggest you go all in for a friends relationship for a few months. This has as an advantage the fact that it allows you to spend more time together, you get to see how or whether or not each other has changed for the better (depending on what went wrong in your relationship) and you can work towards letting her fall in love with you all over again or see why she can’t be without you (by emphasizing all the good qualities she initially fell in love with whenever you spend time together or go on “hang-outs/ dates” or anything).
It is entirely up to you.

Follow your heart and decide what you think would work best for you. You know her better than I do so you know which approach to the situation would be best.

Good luck Jesse!
Please contact me if you need any more advice or don’t understand anything I may have mentioned in this post.

God Bless!

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