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Sunday, May 19, 2013

How do I get closure? How do I know if my ex wants to be with me?


Holding heart in hands
Things ended 2 months ago We have a 2 year old baby so hard not seeing her or talking to her. im trying to figure out a way to get her back without pushing to hard because it seems like she wants space and time. i dnt know if she is seeing someone or not i really cant tell because she has changed so much over the last month. she doesn't reply my texts or even answer my calls but when i do ask if she is seeing some she keeps saying no thats shes just trying to focus on getting her life on track and thats why she dnt talk to me much and that im a distraction. 

i just want closure instead of mixed feeling and hopes. please help me. i just want us both to be happy. i have always believed if you love someone you want them to be happy even if it isnt with you. I only sit and wonder because she has not yet told me im over us and im moving on. instead she says i wanna see you get your life on track then in the future we will see what happens. and then says i wanna be with u eventually but i cant predict the future so if something happens before us it happens. so i cant really tell i feel like she has moved on in a way but dont know how to just be honest with me about it for what ever reason. please help me. i need closure you seem like you know what your talkin about

Hi there :)

Thank you for contacting me and for contributing to this site.

I'm really sorry about what you're going through right now and can imagine how hard it must be.

In my opinion it seems like she really is giving you mixed signals. There are two ways to look at this.

Firstly, she may not be doing it intentionally. She may be really confused and not know herself what she wants right now. I'm not sure why things ended or on what terms but breakups especially after long term relationships are bound to result in confusion. If she's not sure about what she feels should happen right now then she can't give you solid (as opposed to mixed) signals or answers right now.

Secondly, as bad and as blunt as it may be, she could be using you as a back up plan. I know it may be hard to think about things in that way but when it comes to relationships it's better to look at all the possibilities and be open minded in order to avoid any additional heart-break and pain. The reason why this could be a possibility is that she could be feeling like she wants you to stick around and may know that closing things completely by saying that she's moved on could result in that being eliminated - eliminating you as an option. This would be really selfish of her as it would be stringing you along and resulting in you not getting the closure you deserve resulting in you not being able to go on with your life.
By her saying 'in the future things could possibly work between the two of you' she's ultimately giving you hope and keeping you hanging on in that if things don’t work out with anyone else she knows that she can still fall back on you and you’ll still be there.

My best advice to you would be to get a straight up answer from her. Speak to her. Set up a 'meeting/discussion date' with her and speak to her.

1. Call her and tell her that you need to talk. Set a date and or time to meet up. If she refuses to meet up with you, you will need to resort to other means such as a phone call, Skype or a letter.

When you have the discussion:

2. Let her know that you understand the situation since the break up. Tell her it's hard for you and you understand that it's hard for her to.

3. Apologize for whatever you feel you need to apologize for because rightfully when a relationship ends both people did wrong and have something to apologize for whether the majority of the fault lies on one person or not.

4. Tell her that you both need to move on whether it be together or a part. Let her know that it's not fair on either of you for the other to not have closure or know where you stand. Don't point fingers or blame - use more "we", "us", "either of us" etc. and less of "you".

5. Set a follow up date. Tell her that it's only fair that you both have time to think about things (because it is. On the spot / impulsive decisions are never a good thing). Make your follow up date a day later, a week later or even a month later depending on what you think and what you both agree on. A week should be a good time frame. A month may be a little too long.

6. Stick to the date you decide on. Stick to the exact time, day, etc.

7. Let her know prior to the date (during the first discussion) that no matter what you both decide, you don't want it to affect your baby in any way. Tell her that you want to be part of your baby’s life and that it would be unfair for everyone including your baby if you were not. Let her know that your baby shouldn't suffer by loosing one of his/her parents due to the mistakes you two have made and that you should both look at the situation in a mature manner and to the benefit of the baby.

Please read below for more on this:

Finding out how someone feels about you Part 1

Finding out how someone feels about you Part 2

I really hope this helps. Please write back if I can help any further or if you'd like to discuss things any more.

Good luck and God Bless!
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  1. Hi, I went travelling and whilst away my ex-girlfriend and i broke up. She tried to get back with me which i wanted to but didn't think it was right whilst still away. We carried on talking untill a moment 2 and a half months into the break up and a month before i came home when i realised how much of a idiot i had been and asked for her forgiveness and to take me back. She told me she was falling out of love with me. When home we met up and she says she cares but doesn't want us anymore. I dont want to give up on her but everybody is telling me i should

    1. Hi there
      Thanks a lot for posting.
      I'm very sorry about what you're going through.
      There are two things that could possibly be the case here:
      - Either you not wanting to fix things at the time hurt her or she feels uncertain with regard to your relationship. This could be very possible as she may be questioning your change in heart (why does he now want me back? Was he with someone else when I initially asked? Does he feel like he can't get any better and now suddenly wants me? Did he try a relationship with someone else and its failure resulted in him wanting me back now?
      She may also be questioning the depth of your affection for her in that she may feel that if you really cared that much you would have committed to trying again at the very first thought of the idea (when she initially asked). She may interpret you saying "no until your return" as rejection and a lack of enthusiasm or as you wanting to ‘test the waters’ / see other people while away without "cheating".
      - She may have a bruised ego and although she wants you back she may just be trying to "hurt you too" for saying no to her initially.
      These are both very likely but the only person who could tell you for sure would be her.
      I would suggest that you either give her space while reassuring her of your love for her and making sure that she knows you still care and want her back. Do this without being forceful or pressurizing her.
      Alternatively you should meet with her to explain your initial reaction in person as it might help her understand better. Furthermore, ask her what changed regarding her wanting to fix things and falling out of love with you as she put it. Is she seeing someone else? Is she still hurt? Does she need some time etc.?
      I hope this helps!
      Good luck and God Bless


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