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Monday, June 3, 2013

Is it okay to ask questions about his / her ex? Should I ask my boyfriend / girlfriend about his/her exes?

Can I ask my boyfriend about his ex? Can I asked my girlfriend about her ex? Is it okay to ask my partner about his / her exes? Is it okay to ask questions about my boyfriend / girlfriends past relationships?

One of the tricky parts when it cones to relationships is to know what to ask and when. There are some things that you really shouldn't ask right at the beginning of a relationship and there are others which you should flat out ask straight away.

The question of whether or not it's okay to ask your partner about his or her past relationships or exes is one that depends on a lot of things.

5 Things to remember before asking your partner about his / her exes

1. Ask around instead, if you can.

Why cross question the object of your affection when you could get all the details you need or require from surrounding sources? If you have any mutual friends or acquaintances ask them. If you have a close friend who your partner talks to or communicates with, have him or her do some fishing for you. Just remember that if you do decide to get information through other people, it's important to take everything lightly. The game 'broken telephone' was created for a reason. Sometimes things get muddled up and sometimes lies and rumours just go haywire so don't take everything you hear from other people as the solid written truth. Yes, they may have good intentions and there may even be some truth in the things they say, but a lot of the time the wrong message gets a across or the truth gets distorted and you wouldn't want to ruin your relationship over something that isn't entirely true.

2. Will you be okay no matter what you find out?

Before you start fishing, asking around or questioning your love, think about it. Do you really wanna know what he/she did in his/her past? Are you really okay with knowing all the gorey details? Are you really interested in who he/she was with before you? 'Curiosity killed the cat' is highly evident and appropriate when it comes to this discussion. Sometimes some things are better left unsaid or it's better for you not to know. There's a reason why so many people say 'I wish I'd never asked' after uncovering something.
What if you were to find out something rather disturbing? Yes it would be in the past which means it doesn't directly affect you but it would still be right there - in your head. If you're willing to deal with whatever could possibly lie in your partners past no matter how big or small, go for it! If not, let sleeping dogs lie.

3. Timing is everything...

So you've decided to enquire about your partners past relationship or relationships? That's all good and well but another factor worth considering is timing. It may not be appropriate to randomly cross question your partner during an unrelated conversation or out of the blue. Look for reason or relation in conversation or situation.
If, for example, you're in a new relationship or just started going on dates (maybe you're not officially dating yet) there is usually a lot of opportunity for this kind of conversation. Usually when you're still getting to know each other part of the 'getting to know you' conversation involves 'so how long was your longest relationship', 'when did your last relationship end', 'how long have you been single for' etc. Use this as your opportunity to ask as many questions as you can in a non-offensive manner while you're still on the topic. It will be far from easy or appropriate to keep going back to the topic so make sure you're prepared well in advance for when the opportunity does arise. Have all your questions neatly structured and waiting in your head.

If you've been in a relationship for a while and aren't quite sure where to slot the conversation in, there should still be plenty of opportunities. Look for a gap in movies or TV programs - those are usually you're best bet.
For example: You're watching a movie or program (comedy, etc) where they happen to be talking about exes or past relationships. Casually say "hey you haven't told me about your past relationships..." and ask whatever it is you'd like to know.

4. Ease into it and don't interrogate him/her.

The approach you take in uncovering your information has the potential to make or break the situation: it could bring you closer together  in that you'd be more open to each other or draw a rift between you in the form of an argument or fight. The last thing you would want to do is come across as interrogating your partner so be careful with the way you address the topic or enquire. Make it a casual conversation. Try and make it light hearted or fun. Don't take it personally. Remember that this was before you.

What to do:

You: "So babe, how many people were you with before me?"
Him/Her: "Gosh I don't know. Maybe about 10..."
You: Laughing a little "You must have had to switch quite a bit because you had no idea where to find me..."

*Try and make light of the situation. Lightening your mood will prevent an unnecessary fight.

What NOT to do:

You: "So babe, how many people were you with before me?"
Him/Her: "Gosh I don't know. Maybe about 10..."
You: Angry / frustrated / annoyed "Wow you really got around hey? Gosh..." or "Wow! Were you tryna sleep with the whole town?"

5. Let the past stay in the past!

Remember, you're talking about the past now. This is BEFORE you - keep reminding yourself of that.
It may be hard to think about your partner with anyone else but truth of the matter is - in most cases he or she has been with, slept with, kissed or dated at least one person before you (if you're his/her first; consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky).
Don't let the past ruin your present relationship. If he or she lied about their past then that is a different story (it could result in trust issues as your partners dishonesty may arise doubts in your mind which could be detrimental to your relationship) but if he or she has been forthcoming with information and answers you truthfully, you need to bear in mind that he or she may not be the same person he or she was. I'm in no way saying that he or she has changed or anything, but rather that a POSSIBILITY may be that he or she has grown up, matured or decided to change for the right person - you.

In conclusion, don't be naive (always keep your eyes open no matter what is in your partners past) but give him or her a chance too. No one should be judged for past mistakes especially when those mistakes didn't involve you or were before he or she knew or dated you.

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My Book!!! Click on the image to read the first couple of chapters online

My Book!!! Click on the image to read the first couple of chapters online
Shaylee has a secret she's been hiding from everyone... Beneath her brave exterior lies a girl bruised and scarred by life but strong enough to make it through anything. Moral of the story: Sometimes we don't find love because we don't know what to look for.