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Thursday, July 4, 2013

How do I rebuild my exes trust in me? How do I get him or her to want to try again?


My ex and I were together for a year and a half during which we broke up twice. I was clingy and impatient and wanted things my way most of the time I am now trying to work on this. My ex says he is still in love with me but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. He also said he couldn't bare a third break up. I get that but if we got back together I would be in it for the long haul and not another break-up. The first time we broke up it was only for 3 weeks which I don't feel was long enough and we didn’t really talk about what went wrong. We just picked up where we had left off and almost pretended nothing had happened. This time we’ve been broken up for just over two months but are communicating way better. I know a lack of communication is what lead to us breaking up. I also felt like he had lied to me by not telling me about a female friend he had known for years and got jealous of that.
I still love him but as the days go on I am conflicted. He says he loves me but can't be in a relationship with me any longer. How do I rebuild his trust in me? How do I get him to want to try again?
We remain in  contact via text and have met up a few times since we broke up. I fell into the 'friends with benefits' situation unfortunately but soon told him that it had to stop. He always asks me if I’ve have met anyone new or if any ones asked me out.

Your advice would be much appreciated. 

Hi there

Thanks a lot for contacting me. Sorry for the delay in replying. I hope things are much better by now.

I’m going to be short and to the point in replying as it seems like you already know exactly what went wrong what needs to be fixed an what your issues were. You know and understand your mistakes as an individual (being jealous, clingy, etc.) and those as a couple (lack of communication) and that is always a plus when it comes to trying to fix a relationship.

You seem to find yourself in a boomerang relationship. Please read here for more of this. Also please read how to make a relationship work the second or third time around.

There are pluses and negatives to boomerang relationships depending on how you look at it. On the plus side a boomerang relationship (breaking up and getting back together on numerous occasions) almost in a way makes your chances of getting back together again this time a little more likely. If you did it a couple of times before chances are likely that it could happen again. On the negative side though, if you broke up a couple of times before it’s also a lot more likely that if you get back together you could end up breaking up again. It’s up to you to determine what will happen in your relationship though. There is always the exception to the rule (even Prince William and Duchess Catherine are reported to have broken up and gotten together and now they’re happily married).

In looking for a way to gain his trust in you again and getting him to try again you should just look at the past couple of get back together and take notes from there. Chances are what worked those times would work again now too. In addition to some of the things that worked that time, look at getting him to remember the good times as opposed to the bad. SHOW him that you’ve made changes as opposed to telling him. Please read here for more.

Keep up the communication as you have been doing (the texts and any other means of communication). This allows you to remain in his life and keeps him ‘attached’ to you in some way so he’s less likely to be ready to let you go completely. That means in a way that right now he’s not really feeling the break up because you’re still there. If you break away from him completely it’s more likely to feel like a break up. You aid that you got yourself out of a ‘friends with benefits’ situation with him, that’s awesome! I’m really proud of you for standing up and telling him that that wasn’t okay. The fact that things got that far means that there is still attraction and possibly feelings between the two of you on both parts. It could be a good idea to use this to your advantage:
You said that you met up a few times since the slit, keep doing this. The next time you’re together be the same person you were (happy, etc. – the kind he knows and loves) let it get to the stage where you ALMOST kiss and then pull away. This will remind him what he’s missing especially if you let him know why like you did the last time – letting him know that you can’t be in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with him and sending the message that it’s either you’re in a relationship with him or not but there is no middle. It really is awesome that you’ve done that. You are showing him how much of a lady you are :)

Him showing interest in your life with regards to other guys and who is or isn’t asking you out does show that he’s still hooked on you. A concern may be though that he’s keeping you around as a ‘back up plan’ for in case he can’t get right with ‘anyone else’. This is probably a really mean and exaggerated thought but it’s a possibility and I want you to be open to it and that’s why it’s more important for you to stick to protecting yourself from ‘friends with benefits’ situations. I do though think that it’s unlikely that he’s using you (in a back up plan way) but it’s always best to avoid being naïve.

I wish you everything of the best!

Good luck and God Bless :)

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