Hi
My ex and I
were together for a year and a half during which we broke up twice. I was
clingy and impatient and wanted things my way most of the time I am now trying
to work on this. My ex says he is still in love with me but it doesn’t feel the
same anymore. He also said he couldn't bare a third break up. I get that but if
we got back together I would be in it for the long haul and not another
break-up. The first time we broke up it was only for 3 weeks which I don't feel
was long enough and we didn’t really talk about what went wrong. We just picked
up where we had left off and almost pretended nothing had happened. This time
we’ve been broken up for just over two months but are communicating way better.
I know a lack of communication is what lead to us breaking up. I also felt like
he had lied to me by not telling me about a female friend he had known for
years and got jealous of that.
I still
love him but as the days go on I am conflicted. He says he loves me but can't
be in a relationship with me any longer. How do I rebuild his trust in me? How
do I get him to want to try again?
We remain in
contact via text and have met up a few times since we broke up. I fell into
the 'friends with benefits' situation unfortunately but soon told him that it
had to stop. He always asks me if I’ve have met anyone new or if any ones asked
me out.
Your advice
would be much appreciated.
Hi there
Thanks a
lot for contacting me. Sorry for the delay in replying. I hope things are much
better by now.
I’m going
to be short and to the point in replying as it seems like you already know
exactly what went wrong what needs to be fixed an what your issues were. You
know and understand your mistakes as an individual (being jealous, clingy, etc.)
and those as a couple (lack of communication) and that is always a plus when it
comes to trying to fix a relationship.
You seem to
find yourself in a boomerang relationship. Please read here for more of this.
Also please read how to make a relationship work the second or third time around.
There are
pluses and negatives to boomerang relationships depending on how you look at
it. On the plus side a boomerang relationship (breaking up and getting back
together on numerous occasions) almost in a way makes your chances of getting
back together again this time a little more likely. If you did it a couple of
times before chances are likely that it could happen again. On the negative
side though, if you broke up a couple of times before it’s also a lot more
likely that if you get back together you could end up breaking up again. It’s
up to you to determine what will happen in your relationship though. There is
always the exception to the rule (even Prince William and Duchess Catherine
are reported to have broken up and gotten together and now they’re happily
married).
In looking
for a way to gain his trust in you again and getting him to try again you
should just look at the past couple of get back together and take notes from
there. Chances are what worked those times would work again now too. In
addition to some of the things that worked that time, look at getting him to
remember the good times as opposed to the bad. SHOW him that you’ve made
changes as opposed to telling him. Please read here for more.
Keep up the
communication as you have been doing (the texts and any other means of
communication). This allows you to remain in his life and keeps him ‘attached’
to you in some way so he’s less likely to be ready to let you go completely.
That means in a way that right now he’s not really feeling the break up because
you’re still there. If you break away from him completely it’s more likely to
feel like a break up. You aid that you got yourself out of a ‘friends with
benefits’ situation with him, that’s awesome! I’m really proud of you for standing
up and telling him that that wasn’t okay. The fact that things got that far
means that there is still attraction and possibly feelings between the two of
you on both parts. It could be a good idea to use this to your advantage:
You said
that you met up a few times since the slit, keep doing this. The next time
you’re together be the same person you were (happy, etc. – the kind he knows
and loves) let it get to the stage where you ALMOST kiss and then pull away.
This will remind him what he’s missing especially if you let him know why like
you did the last time – letting him know that you can’t be in a ‘friends with
benefits’ relationship with him and sending the message that it’s either you’re
in a relationship with him or not but there is no middle. It really is awesome
that you’ve done that. You are showing him how much of a lady you are :)
Him showing
interest in your life with regards to other guys and who is or isn’t asking you
out does show that he’s still hooked on you. A concern may be though that he’s
keeping you around as a ‘back up plan’ for in case he can’t get right with
‘anyone else’. This is probably a really mean and exaggerated thought but it’s
a possibility and I want you to be open to it and that’s why it’s more
important for you to stick to protecting yourself from ‘friends with benefits’
situations. I do though think that it’s unlikely that he’s using you (in a back
up plan way) but it’s always best to avoid being naïve.
I wish you
everything of the best!
Good luck
and God Bless :)
Jade
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