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Monday, December 28, 2015

5 Reasons why you should not date a single mother: Challenges to dating a single mom

Should I date a single mother? Is it okay to date a single mother? Are there any reasons why I should not date a single mother? What is the hardest part of dating a single mother?

There are pros and cons to everything. It's important to look at the advantages and disadvantages to before making decisions ESPECIALLY ones which involve other people (a child for example).
Read "Advantages to dating a single mom" as well.

Disadvantages / the negative side of dating a single mother:

  1. Your "alone time" is minimal.Starting a new relationship is just as hard (if not harder) than maintaining an old one. A lot goes into getting to know each other, learning to understand each other and finding out the other persons likes, dislikes and preferences. It's hard to get past the initial "getting to know you" phase in a relationship as it is - throw in a child or two and this becomes even harder. Depending on the age of the child and the kind of mother you are dating (one who is hands on, constantly tending to her child's needs and always there for him / her verses one who is more laid back, open to leaving her child with others for hours or days), you may find that the child is constantly around during your 'dates" or whenever you spend time together.
    This is of course very important as being in a relationship with a single mom naturally means you will be in a relationship with her child too but it can be even harder when your girlfriend is splitting her attention between you and a little one.

    Furthermore, generally some relationships (even where neither individual has a child from a previous relationship), take a strain once a couple have a baby (of their own). Sometimes the dad feels like he's neglected or that the mother is giving too much attention to their little one. How much more likely is this for a man who is not even the biological father of the child?

  2. Does he / she like me?
    As mentioned earlier, a question of whether or not the child likes you may be a factor. It's natural to feel like you need to win the child over in order to make the mother happy or gain more favour with her. This may be easier with a younger child who may not understand as much and be easily won over by smiles, positive attention, toys, games, etc. It may be harder with older children who may want their parents to get back together (not understanding the reasons for their separation and whether or not it is for the best).
    Whether or not you get a long with the child may put some strain on your relationships and influence the course of it.
  3. There is an additional expense.
    Thinking long term wise, many couples prefer to stay "childless" for a few years until they feel that they are financially ready for a child. This may include saving up for a house / bond or a bigger apartment. In this relationship, you are immediately entering a "family" household including 1 child or more. There will be more expenses involved. Even if your girlfriend does not expect you to pay any expenses related to her child or children, you may feel that the money she spends on the children could have been used towards your household. Children are an expense that never go away. From diapers, to school fees, to university or college fees. It is indeed a lifelong commitment.
  4. There is someone else to consider if you were to break-up.
    If you have a conscience or a heart, you will know that when you enter a relationship with a single mother you will inevitably become familiar to the child possibly forming a relationship with him / her too especially as your relationship becomes more long term. This means that when you decide to end the relationship, you won't just be ending the relationship with your girlfriend but with your child too. This is bound to hurt you if you do form a bond with the child but will also hurt him / her depending on the bond and their age. He / she may be left questioning why you don't spend time with him / her anymore, visit him / her or attend his / her school functions. Ultimately the mother will be left to deal with the questions and heart break but you will still have it on your conscience should you have one.
    This rules out flings inevitably.

  5. Over-sensitivity and defensiveness.
    Another long term concern would be maintaining a household with a single mother and "step-child". Being through all that they have been through together, the single mother may feel extra protective of her child, defensive or overly-sensitive towards anything that you may say or do regarding her child. She may feel like her son or daughter was abandoned by his / her father and that she doesn't want him / her to feel abandoned by her too in her "siding with you" over anything including discipline even if the child was in the wrong. This is often a really hard and complicated problem to deal with.
Single moms have a lot on their plate and many complications to deal with. If anything, they need a partner who is patient, caring and most importantly understanding. There are advantages to dating a single mom too and all problems (as mentioned in this article) can be worked around and dealt with.
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