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Monday, October 3, 2016

My husband cheated on me - How to find out and deal with cheating / affairs in marriage: My divorce

How can I find out if my husband is cheating on me? Is my husband cheating on me? How do I get over my husbands affair?  Are there any sure signs that my husband could be cheating?

Infidelity is a major hurt and damage to all relationships especially marriages. Many cannot fathom the thought of the person who vowed to be with them forever and to love them and cherish them, cheating on them, leaving them for someone else or having an on going affair.

The reality is that (according to fox news magazine), about 17% of divorces are caused by infidelity.

This is a sad but common difficulty that numerous married people are faced with.

Our marriage in a nutshell.

My ex husband and I had what could be described as a whirl wind type romance. Everything fell together pretty quick and we were married within a year of us starting dating.

(Read here for more on our pre-marriage relationship and how we met).

Our marriage was far from perfect. I don't feel that we even had that initial "honeymoon phase" in our relationship - we got married in hopes that things would get better and as can be expected; they only got worse.

My ex husband was emotionally and physically hurtful (for more on this please read here). Despite everything, I was pregnant with our child and wanted nothing more than for our son to have a strong family unit with a mommy and daddy who loved him. I wanted him to grow up in a classic household with both his parents... So I stayed.

"Boy's night out" and marriage

In all honesty, my husbands personality didn't change much before and after we got married. I believe that he just revealed more and more of his true self to me as time went by.

With regards to his habits, he was always an outgoing type of person. He'd go out for drinks, chill sessions or partying with his friends every single weekend. What did change, was the way he went about this. During the time that we were dating, prior to our marriage, he would still be out every single weekend but he would either be at my place, or take me to his place, or be out with his friends WITH ME. That's the part that changed.

He required more "nights out with the boys", alone time and guys time and he'd often go out leaving me home alone or home alone with my son (after our son was born).

I started to become annoyed and frustrated with this but he insisted that he needed his space, that it was normal and needed. Nothing I could say or do would make him change this. At times it felt like he would instigate or start fights so that he could storm out the door for a few hours to "cool down".

My husband - the liar

As time went by, I began having suspicions about my husband and his loyalties to me. I'd often say things half jokingly hoping to get an honest answer from him but he'd constantly assure me that he would never cheat on me or be with anyone else.

At times he would turn the situation around telling me that I was insecure and lacked trust and faith in him and that it made him feel like a terrible person. Other times he would resort to getting angry at me about the fact that I could even consider such a thing or entertain such thoughts surrounding the idea of him cheating or being unfaithful.

On many occasions little clues started popping up that my husband may not be being faithful. I'd bring these up to my husband but he was such a great liar (or maybe I was so naive) that he could lie his way out of almost ANYTHING and I would believe what he said.

The lies my husband told me

Once while on Facebook a "mutual friend" suggestion popped up on my time line. The mutual friend was my husband. I was forced to do a double take when I noticed the girls profile picture was a photo of my husband and her! I quickly clicked on the profile trying to get a closer look and to gather more information. The t-shirt he wore in the picture I had purchased for him no more than 2 or three months prior - that provided a time line for me. he'd been with this girl recently.

I quickly messaged my husband asking him if that was his reasons for his late nights and whether or not he had been with this girl every time that he left my son and I alone for hours at a time,

His response was one of frustration. He told me how "ridiculous" I was being. How insensitive I was to even make such a suggestion and that every time he left us alone it was because he was working or doing something for our greater good. He proceeded to explain that the girl in the picture was a cousin he had bumped into a few weeks ago, one who he hadn't seen in a while and due to the excitement of seeing him again she had insisted the photo be taken.

My belief and trust in him pushed me to believe his story and I dropped the subject all together believing each word.

A few weeks later my husband was out late at night again and my son and I were home alone. At about 11pm there was a knock at the door. Waking up from my sleep and thinking it was my husband at the door, I opened it up to find a woman at the door. She seemed a little surprised at the fact that I had answered.

I asked who she was and how I could help. She informed me that she was looking for my husband, giving me her name and stating that her brother from a few blocks away had sent her.

I informed my husband of this as soon as he returned about an hour later.

He claimed to have no idea who the woman was.

Further instances arose, one where I found Sunglasses in our car which clearly weren't mine and he stated that they were his sisters.

I know that I was naive and that clearly i overlooked a lot of obvious stuff.

I do take responsibility for believing his lies and letting my hope in the fact that he would never do such a thing and that our marriage was worthwhile take over.
The final straw - Finding out the truth

I knew deep down that things didn't seem right. My husband was leaving home for work in the morning and getting back after 9pm almost every night! And weekends he barely ever spent alone. That Christmas I was adamant that I needed to make sure we spent it together as a family. I booked us into a hotel 6 hours away for Christmas Eve and Christmas day ensuring that my son would have his mommy and daddy with him for his first Christmas.

When we returned yet another "sign" popped up - numerous calls were made to a weird number from m y husbands phone./ What was more was the fact that they were made from his work phone which for business reasons had a call recorder installed on it. When he left the room I listened to one of the calls... they were made to a woman.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that my husband and this woman spoke another language which I am not fluent in, I couldn't make out the whole conversation. I wasn't familiar enough with his sisters voice over the phone to rule out the fact that he wasn't speaking to her which was his obvious lie in this instance.

I was becoming emotionally drained from the situation. That New years eve (a week later) I Prayed to God for help. I asked Him to fix the situation for me. I told Him that I could feel something was not right and that I had suspicions but that I needed rock solid proof because without it, I would keep falling victim to my husbands lies if that's what they were because I had no way of telling whether or not they were true. I asked Him to provide me with answer beyond a shadow of doubt, so clear that it could not be covered or justified by any lie or deception.

I wrote this in a letter and burnt it in the belief that it would get to the Lord and he would help me as He always had.

Needless to say, m,y son and I spent that New years eve alone at home with my husband out until 5am New Years day.

On the 5 January 2015 (the very next work day), I logged onto my PC wanting to check my Facebook account at the office before beginning my days work. Suddenly 9in what felt like a voice talking to my subconscious directly - I still feel that it was The Lord because i do not believe in coincidences) I was told to use my husbands junkmail login information (email address and password) which he had given me to place an add for him, to log into his Facebook account.

I tried the details instantly and was let into his account straight away. I went straight to his in box and just as I had Prayed 5 days prior, the truth in all it' entirety was revealed to me.

  • Messages to about 3 or 4 different girl trying to arrange meet ups with them
  • Messages to about 3 or 4 different girl telling them about the feelings he had for them and that him and I weren't "romantically involved" as he put it
  • And most importantly, threads of conversations to one particular girl (the same girl from the profile pic and who I later came to find out was the same girl who had been to our home).
    - The messages left NOTHING to the imagination.
    - They spoke about meeting up,. hooking up and as clear as daylight - sleeping together.

The messages were SO CLEAR that they could in no way be denied or covered up. It was the raw facts completely revealed just as I had asked of God!

I gave my cheating husband yet another chance

I revealed to him what I had found out, presented him with the facts and went home to my parents with my son.

He didn't deny a single thing - his lies had finally run out.

After a few days he started apologising. He said that he had made a mistake. That he would change. That he was in a bad space and regrets everything. He said that he'd ended things with the woman promising to never make contact with her again and to never leave our side ever again.

Despite knowing the truth, i gave him another chance.

I kept thinki8ng about my son and the fact that by leaving and not even considering the fact that his father may be concerned and may have learnt from his mistakes, that I would be robbing him of the chance to have a "proper family". I did not want to live with the regret of not giving him "1 last chance' or wondering "what if he had really changed... What if things would have worked out... What if he was being sincere" forever.

I swallowed my pride, tried to drown out the negative thoughts and advice from everyone telling me "he did it once, he'll do it again", "He'll never change" and "you're crazy to go back to him". I did it for my son. I felt like it may be better for him having two parents then one.

I was wrong about my husband - Again

The physical and emotional hurt worsened, the disappearing began again and I woke up to a text pop up on his phone about 3 weeks later saying "Good morning Babe" from the same woman.

I waited for my husband to leave for work, said that I was feeling unwell so I would stay home with our son, packed up as much of our belongings as I could and returned back home to my parents.

I filed for a divorce and was divorced from him a month and a half later.

It was an extremely hard decision to make. I wanted to do what was best for my son but came to realise that watching his dad hurt his mom physically and see his inconsistency and physical absence in our lives despite the fact that we lived together, was not good for my son either. In fact it may have been worse. I did not want my son growing up thinking that his fathers behaviour was okay and that he needed to treat his future wife in the same way.

Similarly I did not want my son growing up seeing how wrong his fathers behaviour was and getting into a physical fight with him when he was older defending me.

I couldn't bare any of it.

Lessons learnt:

I learnt a lot from my experience and I am grateful for each lesson. It wasn't pleasant. It did hurt. But I grew and I learnt a whole lot.

It may be true to say:

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
~Maya Angelou

I, however, do not regret taking my ex back that one last time. If my son ever asks me, at least I will be able to tell him that I did try one last time for him and that there was evidently nothing more I could have done.

I learnt that people don't change. There may be the exception to the rule but unfortunately more often then not, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour (Dr Phil) and if someones done something in the past they are very likely to do it again.

I've also learnt that sometimes it is better for a child to be raised in a household with one loving parent then in a destructive relationship with one abusive or negative impact parent.

The biggest lesson I learnt, is to never underestimate the power of Prayer and Gods love for us. God does answer Prayers! H does hear them and he will answer and protect us.

Relationships are hard. Infidelity and physical hurt are real. You need to make the right decision for you (and if you are a parent) more so for your child / children.

You are strong and you can do it!

photo credit: Broken Love and Trust via photopin (license)
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