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Monday, August 27, 2012

Ending a relationship due to infidelity: Should I break up with my boyfriend / girlfriend or wife / husband for cheating on me?

Should you end a relationship if one of the parties is unfaithful? Is cheating a reason to end a relationship? Should I end my relationship because my boyfriend or girlfriend cheated? Should I end things because he or she was unfaithful?
Infidelity:
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Deciding on whether or not to end a relationship with someone who was unfaithful is an extremely personal decision to make. For some people having their partner cheat or be unfaithful is a deal breaker with regards to a good relationship; if a partner is unfaithful there are no second chances, "but"s or "what if"s – for them the relationship is over. For others, cheating can still be forgiven or excused and he or she is willing to fix or work on a relationship after an affair.

How to decide whether or not to end a relationship after infidelity.
In order to decide whether or not to end your relationship in this regard you need to take quite a few things or factors into account. Remember that the ultimate decision is going to be more based on you and you relationship as being unique but the following factors can help you see things a little clearer in order to make more of an informed decision.

Flirting with other people:
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·        To what extent was he or she unfaithful?
Although this should be irrelevant when it comes to breaking a commitment you’ve made to someone, the extent to which your partner was unfaithful should play a role in whether or not it is worth ending your relationship over.
Determining what is and isn’t cheating depends entirely on your relationship as what one person might consider cheating another might not necessarily.

Depending on your relationship and the two of you as individuals the following would be different levels or extents to which your partner may have been unfaithful.

These are listed from minor to most major (although all of them are obviously to be avoided when it comes to being in a committed relationship with someone).

¾    He or she was flirting with other people
¾    He or she kissed someone else
¾    He or she had an emotional affair
¾    He or she slept with someone else

Cheating in relationships:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Understandably the decision on whether or not to end your relationship is entirely yours as the person who’s been hurt but depending on the extent of the unfaithfulness you might still be able to work on or fix the relationship. Having your partner flirt with someone else (whether intentionally or not) should somehow be easier to forgive then a partner who slept with someone else.

·        Was it a one-time thing or did it happen on many occasions?
The duration of the unfaithfulness is an important factor in determining whether or not the relationship should be ended due to the fact that a longer term of unfaithfulness often results in more of an affair or second relationship then just a one night stand or mere lapse in judgement. This factor also give you another way of measuring the degree of the unfaithfulness.

The following should help you determine the level of unfaithfulness with regards to duration a little easier.

¾    Was it an on-going affair?
¾    Did it only happen once?
Intoxication leading to cheating:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
¾    Did it happen more than once?
¾    Has it been going on for over a month?
¾    Was it like a whole different relationship?

·        Was he or she intoxicated or in his or her rightful mind?
Nothing can excuse infidelity but there can at times be certain aspects which may have influenced the situation. There is only one direct question you’d need to ask yourself with regards to this:

¾    Did it only happen when he or she was intoxicated or not in his or her rightful mind?

As has been said, this would not excuse the behaviour of infidelity but if you do decide to give your partner another chance you could decide to have your partner work on his or her apparent behavioural problem with regards to whatever it is that influenced or partially lead to the infidelity.

·        Do you have proof that he or she cheated or are you just suspicious (rumours, etc.).
Sometimes rumours, suspicion or insecurities might lead one partner to think that the other has cheated on him or her. Although it is often extremely hard to do so, it is exceedingly important that you try and obtain solid evidence (if your partner doesn’t confess) that your partner has cheated.
Ending your relationship based on a hunch or rumours might not always be advisable as you aren’t likely to be 100% sure that your partner was unfaithful.

Cheating:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
To determine your level of certainty with regards to your partner’s unfaithfulness, ask yourself the following:

¾    Did you catch him or her in the act?
¾    Do you know for sure that he or she cheated?
¾    Did he or she admit to cheating or deny that he or she cheated?
¾    Are you basing the fact that he or she cheated on something you heard or rumours?

·        Did he or she admit to cheating?
Besides the fact that he or she admitting to cheating essentially means that you have enough evidence and don’t need to have any doubts about whether or not you’re falsely accusing your partner; having him or her admit to cheating BEFORE you find out essentially might say a lot about whether or not he or she feels like he/she made a very big mistake, regrets it deeply and might not do it again. This is likely to influence your decision on whether or not to stay in the relationship.

Consider the way you found out about your partners infidelity as a way of determining his or her inner feelings with regards to the situation:

¾    Did he or she admit that he or she cheated without you having to find out on your own?
¾    Does he or she deny cheating even with sufficient evidence or having witnessed him/her cheating?
¾    Did you find out on your own during the affair?

Infidelity:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Finding out that your partner has been or is being unfaithful on your own or from someone other than your partner usually means that your partner (if you found out during the affair) only stopped cheating or apologised for doing so because you caught him or her or found out what he or she was up to. This is not a very positive sign for your relationship as chances are that if you hadn’t found out about the infidelity it would have still continued – your partner may thus be unfaithful again during the course of the relationship if you decide to fix things.
Finding out from your partner without hearing about it from someone else or having to ‘catch him or her’ shows that your partner chose to end the infidelity on his/her own accord and thus (as has been previously mentioned) regretted what he/she was doing or chose to be honest with you due to a change of heart, a change of commitment to you, or a deeper relationship being formed with you.

Infidelity in a relationship is highly devastating. It causes pain, anger and endings to many seemingly good relationships. The decision on whether or not to end a relationship is entirely yours to make and you alone will know exactly what to do if you find yourself in this unfortunate position.

Make the right decision for you.

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