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Saturday, August 3, 2013

Should I wait for my ex or move on? How to tell if your ex wants you back - Question and Answer

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My ex and I were engaged to be married but have now been broken up for two years and I am still not over or past it. We shared dogs and I moved for a while so he paid my grandmother to watch his dogs whenever he was working. I moved back two months after we broke up and begged him back but he refused, saying that the fact that I was with someone after we broke up was too much for him to deal with. He never stopped bringing the dogs over these whole two years and has a relationship with my grandmother. He contacted me at first but the more I pushed for a relationship, the more he withdrew and the less contact resulted.

He has dated others but told me "what happened hurt me; I’ll date girls casually but don’t want anything to do with them emotionally." Whenever I hear about him dating someone he denies it, saying, we've gone on dates but aren’t dating. And the most confusing part is that whenever I ask if we'll ever get back together he replies "I don't know." The last time he said this (a couple of weeks ago) I told him that was a silly answer and that it was unfair so he became aggravated and said "fine if you’re so black and white then no, right now no." I loved him very much and have a hard time letting go. I recently told him to stay away; that if he does not want me in his life then that should include both me and my grandmother watching the dogs (I watch them when he’s out of town.) It was too painful to see him and be reminded every couple of days; I think that may be why this has gone on for so long.

Any outside advice would be so greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

Hi there!

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Thanks for contacting me with your problem. I really hope that this reply will help you deal with things a little better.

I can understand exactly where you are with regards to the feelings that you still have for him. The fact that you were engaged to be married alone indicates the depth of the relationship and the depth of your feelings and love for each other. I don't know why you decided to end things but I'm sure that it must have really been something major if you both felt that it would be better if you weren’t together anymore.

It appears that your ex might not completely be over you yet.
The fact that he's constantly trying to "hide" or play off his current dates as 'nothing more then dates' in such a way that it seems like he's trying to justify his actions and behaviour to you as you would someone you're in a relationship with; demonstrates the fact that he seriously seems to still have deep feelings for you. This is made even clearer in the fact that he answers "I don't know" or "not right now" when asked if you'll get back together again and not "no we won’t".
He might still be dealing with whatever went wrong in the previous relationship (maybe that's the reason why he doesn't want to jump straight back into things) but obviously still hopes that in the future you could fix things and that's why he doesn't want to end that option completely by telling you, you won't get back together.

The fact that you dated someone else after your break-up (even though you broke up a really long time ago) would obviously not be the best thing for him as none of us like to think of the person we love being with anyone else. Regardless of that fact, you were broken up by then and if you really wanted to fix things this would have to be put in the past.

The bottom line is this; just as he hasn't gotten over his love for you and just forgotten it, he's still trying to get over the hurt as he can't just get over it or forget it either. Getting to the point where you've healed enough to be able to move on can sometimes be a lengthy process and take a lot of time. Despite this, it has been two years and his behaviour, none the less is not entirely fair on you.
He can't expect you to stay off the dating scene and be left wondering or holding onto "I don't know’s" or " not right now’s" as you have for the past two years. It's really not fair.

Broken hearted:
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My advice to you would be to find a way of communicating with him whether in person (by setting up a date - way more personal) or by phone (if you don't think personal contact would be a good idea). You need to let him know how you feel and that you still have feelings for him. If the break up was your fault let him know that you're sorry for what you did and you'd like for you both to put the past in the past and move on because everybody makes mistakes. Let him know that you know how hard it is for him and that you're sorry but if you really love each other and have a chance of making things work even if it's starting off slowly and taking it from there, you're going to need a lot more then "I don't know" or "maybe" and that you need to know now. Tell him that if he doesn't see you together and honestly believes you won't work or that he can't move past the past, to tell you right now and you'll be out of his life for good (like you said).
And if that is what he actually says he wants (which I really doubt) then you need to be completely prepared to do just that.
Moving on initially would be really hard but after all is said and done it would be for the best. Sometimes you need to move forward no matter how hard it is. You can't just hang around waiting forever.

Just be honest with him and hopefully he can be honest with you and everything can be sorted out once and for all. You will be moving forward; whether together as a couple or separately leading your own lives.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Good luck & be strong!

Jade Monique Taylor
Love, Life and Relationships

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