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Sunday, August 4, 2013

How do I know whether or not I made the right decision in breaking up with my boyfriend / girlfriend ?

Should I break up with my boyfriend / girlfriend? Was I right to have broken up with my boyfriend / girlfriend? I regret breaking up with my boyfriend / girlfriend. I think I was wrong to break up with my boyfriend / girlfriend. How do I know whether or not breaking up with my boyfriend or girlfriend was in fact the right thing to do?

Separation and break-ups:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Relationships end for various reasons. At the time of the break-up (especially if we’re the ones doing the breaking up) it feels like we’re making the right decision and that the break up is the best thing to do. As time goes by, however it is common that feelings of regret and confusion set in as we begin missing the person we broke up with. We begin to wonder whether or not we made the right decision, if it really was for the best and if it was the right thing to do.

The following are tips worth considering if you’ve found yourself in this position.

How to know whether or not you made the right decision breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

1.      Think about how long it has been since the break-up
Sad girl:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

All break ups hurt during the early stages of recovery. You might experience various feelings ranging from hurt or anger to regret or remorse. It is extremely common to doubt your decision to end a relationship straight after it’s happened due to the fact that you’re still hurting from the break-up.
Break-ups take time to recover from and the time frame which it takes to heal often varies according to how deep your feelings for the next person where and how long you were together. Obviously relationships where either or both of you loved each other at one stage and long term ones take longer to heal then that of flings or short term relationships.

Healing takes time but as time goes by you should be able to notice a marked difference in that it should feel like things are getting better. If it’s been 3 to 6 months since your break up and you’re nowhere near over him or her then chances are that you care for or love him or her more than you might have thought during the break-up.

The fact that you might miss your ex or not be over him or her after such a long period of time does mean that you miss him or her and care for him or her deeply but it does not necessarily mean that you made a wrong decision in ending the relationship (if you’re the one who ended it).
If you broke up for extreme reasons such as abuse (emotional or physical) you’re bound to miss your ex but your decision to break-up with him or her was probably right and for the best.

2.      Think about the reason for your break up
Couple fighting:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As has been priory mentioned, the reason for the break-up plays a huge role in determining whether or not you made the right decision ending the relationship.

If you made a rash decision to end the relationship due to something minor like a silly disagreement over something or a simple mistake your partner might have made (forgetting a date, etc.) then you are probably right to be doubting your decision.

The reason for the break-up is a huge part of whether or not you made the right decision.

If for example you broke up with your partner due to infidelity or cheating then this is a whole lot more complex.
There is a lot to consider when deciding on ending a relationship due to infidelity. Some of these range from frequency to whether or not you have proof, etc.

An abusive relationship (as has been priory mentioned), especially one where abuse was not once off but a reoccurring aspect of the relationship, is one of the very few reasons for break ups that are not likely to be compromised on. If you ended the relationship with your partner due to abuse then you are likely to have made the right decision.

3.      Think about your state of mind at the time of deciding on a break-up
Sad man:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Emotions play a huge role in the decisions we make. If you’re angry or very upset when making a decision you could end up making an irrational one resulting in great regret surrounding the decision you’ve made.
Making rash decisions are often one in the same as not thinking everything out clearly before deciding.

A break up is a major decision to make and it is highly advised that you think everything through clearly before making it. It is way better to prolong or postpone a decision to break up with someone (while thinking about whether or not it is in fact necessary or the best thing to do) then to jump into a decision to break up with someone when you’re upset or not thinking clearly only to regret your decision later when you’re back to your rightful mind-set.

When you’re really angry give yourself at least a day or two to calm down and then think things through in a more rational mind-set. If you can see that you’re better off apart while thinking rationally, it is only then safe to break up with your partner.

4.      Think about whether or not there were other influences involved
Separated couple:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This is another factor revolving around the reason for the break up. Sometimes deciding on breaking up with someone for whatever reason might appear to be your decision but it may have been strongly influenced (or you may have been pressurised into making the decision) by a family member or due to circumstances.

With regards to situations, any of the following (or similar) could have been the case:

·        you’re from different cities, states or countries and wouldn’t be able to manage a long distance relationship
·        either of you had to move away or go away to school or a job far from home and either of you felt a long distance relationship wouldn’t have worked

With regards to a family member, the following (or similar) may have been the case resulting in a family member or someone with similar influence on either of you convincing or pressurising either of you to break up with the other:

·        Either of your parents didn’t approve of your relationship due to either or both of your ages.
·        Either of your parents didn’t approve of your relationship due to cultural or racial differences.
·        Either of your parents don’t approve of either of you being in a relationship at all (due to age, studying, etc.)
·        Either of your parents might have felt that one of you is not good enough for the other.

The hardest kind of break up is one where you might feel like you didn’t have much control over the situation or you broke up without really wanting it. Break ups where you feel like you were pressurised or forced into breaking up can be completely heart breaking.

All break ups are extremely hard to “get over” but ones where you still have very deep feelings or love for each other due to the fact that you broke up for reasons out of your control (like someone else pressurising either of you or unforeseen circumstances) can be even harder.
It would be completely understandable that you might feel like you broke up with your boyfriend / girlfriend or he or she ended the relationship for the wrong reasons as it may not have been either of your decision entirely.

5.      Weigh out the pros and cons 
Put your heart back together again:
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Once you’ve gone through all of the other tips the final tip should be implemented. This tip involves weighing out the Pros and Cons of the relationship and break-up in order to better decipher whether or not the ending of your relationship was in fact for the better.

Weighing out the pros and cons of your relationship and break-up revolves around deciding on factors that were positive and negative within your relationship as well as what lead to the break-up. You would make a table with positive and negative or pro’s and con’s in the respective columns and then list everything you feel appropriate in those columns. This might seem like a tedious or pointless task but it does in fact help tremendously with regards to making decisions and thinking everything (including all possibilities and factors) out clearly.

Below is a table demonstrating some examples on what you would put in it regarding your relationship and why you should or shouldn’t have broken up.

My Relationship With Jody / Leigh-Ann / Matt / Amber
Advantages / Reasons why WE SHOULD NOT have broken up
Disadvantages / Reasons why WE SHOULD have broken up
I love him / her so much
He / she cheated on me
We were together for such a long time
He / she was never around
We have a child together

Relationships are one of the most complex things in life. They are filled with surprises and happiness but sometimes flooded with confusion and hurt. The important thing to remember is that every relationship or break up can be fixed or mended if there is love and commitment from both parties. You both should be willing to make things work and feel exactly the same with regards to your love and commitment to each other.

If either of you is not committed to the relationship or has moved on from it emotionally or physically then there is no point in having your heart stuck on someone or something that might never work. In a case where the love or commitment is one sided it is best to move on for your own good.

If the love is still there and you’re both willing to work on the relationship as best you can then don’t ever give up on each other if it’s what you BOTH want to do. Sometimes even true love gets it wrong the first time round – that’s why there’s second chances (and sometimes third ones too).

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