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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I haven't mentioned fixing things in over a month But its all I really want. I feel like he has fallen out of love with me. Please give me some advice.

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Hi Jade... How are you. I love your advice & hope you can help me. 

My ex ended things 3 months ago. It was generally my fault. I wasn’t the woman he deserved and fell in love with anymore. We were together for 2 years and 7 months and lived together. We still do because our lease only ends next year. 

I miss our him and the love we had. I wanna be a better woman for him and work on things. But he said he doesn't. It's really hard.

 We had talked about getting married and he even looked at rings with his mother. 

All our friends don’t know about the break-up – only some of them. Our families still have no clue because he hasn’t said anything. 

We continue doing some of the things we did as a couple like: eating dinner together, watching TV, going to the movies, visiting his family, hanging out with mutual friends, sharing a bed(sometimes we’re intimate other times we’re not). I am confused by all of this. I haven't mentioned fixing things in over a month But its all I really want. I feel like he has fallen out of love with me. Please give me some advice. I'm losing my mind. 



Hello :)

Thanks a lot for contacting me. 

I’m glad that you find my advice useful. 

I’m sorry about your break-up :(

It seems to me like you’re in a ‘friends with benefits’ situation with your ex. The downside to this is that you want more so emotionally the current situation is not very good or nice to you.

Over two years means that you were in a long term relationship, coupling this with the fact that you were on the brink of getting engaged and maybe married – this demonstrates the fact that your feelings for each other were really deep.

There are some signs that your ex plans on getting back together with you or regrets the break up. These can be seen mostly in the fact that you still do many things as a couple (movies, sharing a bed and dinner) and more so that he hasn’t told everyone ESPECIALLY his family about the break up.
The fact that he went looking for a ring with his mom means that they are quite close and that he is quite close with his family. The fact that he didn’t tell them about the break-up means that he probably regrets it or doesn’t want them to know in case you get back together so that he doesn’t need to tell them when you get back together and no one will know the difference.
Unfortunately there is also the other side to this that might mean nothing. 
The fact that he didn’t tell anyone could also mean that he just doesn’t feel the need to or isn’t ready to explain to anyone why or how the relationship ended. 
He obviously still has some sort of attraction to you or deep feelings for you (as can be expected due to the depth of your precious relationship and the duration of it) and this can be seen in all the activities you do together. 

Again this could still be linked to you being in the ‘friends with benefits’ zone.

It’s really unfortunate that your lease is basically forcing you to live together because of the situation it puts you in but at the same time it allows you some extra time to get him to realize how much you mean to him and how he still has feelings for you. 
I am almost certain that things will change when your lease is over and you’re living separately:·        

  • He could miss you a lot and realise that he needs you in his life      
  • You won’t be forced into a ‘friends with benefits’ situation anymore       
  • You will be able to move on a little easier if that’s what’s necessary because you won’t be spending so much time with him anymore or seeing him all the time.
  • You might experience the first few months without him to be extremely hard as it’s not familiar with him and right now you still get to be with him in some way but once you’re not living together it will be completely different.
    Here is my advice for you:

    1.      If you can, MOVE OUT
    I understand the situation about your lease but isn’t there a way that either of you can move out and the one that remains can get another room-mate? Maybe you can move in with a family member, a friend or a sibling. Living with him is not helping you at the moment and that’s why you’re so confused.
    2.      Get out of the friends with benefits situation
    I know that this might be hard for you because right now you still have him in some kind of way. The thing is that this is not healthy for either of you – you especially seeing as you clearly are still in love with him. Being in a ‘friends with benefits’ situation is not good because it’s a way for him to be with you while being with other woman as he doesn’t need to be faithful to you because you’re not in a relationship. This is dangerous for you emotionally and physically as many diseases and illnesses are passed on by sleeping with many different people. Please read here for more.
    3.      Make him need you
    Whether you live with him or not (especially if you’re going to stay living with him) make him remember how much you mean to him. Use the time that you’re living together to make such an impact on him that if you move out after the lease or before then, he misses you and realizes what a big part of his life is missing.
    I really hope that you can find a way to put yourself first and do what is best for you. If you can try and avoid a ‘friends with benefits’ situation you will be putting yourself first and allowing him the chance to make a decision. He has told you that he doesn’t want to work things out or fix things so if that’s how he feels he should tell his family that things are over and stop sleeping with you. He can’t tell you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and then still sleep with you and everything -  that is not fair on you.

    Please put yourself first.
    Good luck and God Bless!
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Shaylee has a secret she's been hiding from everyone... Beneath her brave exterior lies a girl bruised and scarred by life but strong enough to make it through anything. Moral of the story: Sometimes we don't find love because we don't know what to look for.