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Sunday, November 17, 2013

I love him with my whole heart and it seems like such a shame to just throw 7 years away...

Image courtesy of nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hiya, I hope you can help :(

My ex and I were together for just under 7 years. We spent a lot of time together and were a close couple.

2 years ago we set up a photography business together. We had the occasion argument which was mostly about me asking about messages he received from other girls. (I trust him completely but just developed this habit because he’s very good-looking and gets tons of female attention)
He received even more female attention when he got a part-time job this year. He’s constantly complimented or asked out on dates – all of this causing his ego to grow tremendously.

He’s always 'chased' me with regards to our relationship but during the last few months tables turned when he moved out of his parents’ house. I’ve seen him way more and put more of an effort into the relationship because I was excited about the move and that it could mean a new step in our relationship – moving in together.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici
The fact that he moved out, gaining more attention from other women and my extra effort all made him extremely big-headed. A few weeks ago I saw that he texted a girl from work saying he thought she was beautiful (he usually didn’t take interest in other woman so that was really weird and not like him). Everything seemed normal with us for the past few months: cooking together, dates, sleeping together regularly... but I’ve been arranging everything. The business has been doing so well that we could do it full time in a couple of years yet a month before we broke up he said he didn’t want to be part of it anymore because it was too much stress for him (We did have a few arguments business wise and I did put pressure on him at times to get work done) after that things were okay. After an amazing evening, the next morning I unwisely asked whether the girl he had messaged previously had replied, he went completely ballistic and said that I couldn’t control him, he also told me to leave and said that he didn’t want to argue. I left and half an hour later received a message from him saying that he was going to call a little later because ‘we needed to have a serious talk about the relationship because we’re not making each other happy and I don’t wanna just carry on with this relationship for the sake of stubborn monogamy”. I called him straight away and he said that he was thinking about the current situation not how it had been for the past 7 years and that right now at present this wasn’t working. I was really upset and hung up saying that the conversation was going nowhere and that he should be saying all of that to my face.

A day later I texted him apologizing, asking if he was okay and if we could talk. He replied that he was angry and no, we couldn’t talk. I messaged him 4 days later asking if he wanted to meet for drinks and to chat. He didn’t reply so 10 hours later I resent the message on Facebook. He said that we didn’t need to talk and that he’d decided that he wanted to be on his own. He said that I could have the business and that he would attend the bookings that we’d already had. After replying h updated his Facebook status to say that Monogamy was for idiots.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici
Distraught I went over to his place wanting to talk. He was unemotional and said he loved me but didn’t feel we were right for each other. We spoke for about half an hour.

3 days later we had a business meeting and spoke a bit longer after it. He said pretty much all that he had said already.
I told him that I understood that he felt that he hadn’t achieved anything on his and if he thought we’d get back together in the future. He replied that he wasn’t going to close that door but didn’t want to get my hopes up. He said that I had told him to tell me if he didn’t see himself marrying me and that that was what he was doing.

A week later we spent a weekend away with work and had to share a room and a bed. One thing led to another and... The next day I wanted to kiss him but he kept saying he didn’t want to make things harder and everything. I haven’t spoken to him since.

Apparently he never talks about or mentions me to friends and when anyone asks he says that we grew a part. Also he’s been hitting on the girl from work that he was messaging (apparently she told him she’s not interested) he’s shown interest in other girls too and from what I heard he’s been acting quite desperate.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The only contact he’s made with me is about work equipment. I love this boy with my whole heart and it seems like such a shame to just throw 7 years away because one or two months of it he was confused. It’s like he wants to forget me because he somehow thinks it’s best for him. I have a few more weddings to attend with him – maybe one or so every month. How should I act? How do I get him to miss me and see that he’s made a mistake? I really believe we are meant to be together but I feel that right now he doesn’t or he can’t feel that. It’s like he feels we’re too tangled in each other’s lives and nothing is his own. It’s been 2 weeks from the time we broke up and I haven’t seen him in a week. 

What do I do? 

Please help! x 
Hi Nat :)

Thanks for commenting and sharing your story.

I hope that I will be able to help a little.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
A 2 week long break-up is a really short time for a 7 year relationship especially. If you’re boyfriend has made a huge mistake and is a little confused (leading him to end the relationship) it could take anything from a month to two (or more) for him to realize this.
An ego can really change a person. I’m not sure how you usually treat him at home or in your relationship – whether or not you compliment him or shower him with attention but it’s usually a case of: people who don’t get much attention in their relationships totally ‘go crazy for’ or have ego explosions when someone outside of the relationship notices them, compliments them or gives them attention.

I think that the fact that he loves ‘the chase’ (as you said he always used to be the one chasing you) may have been the lead role player in this situation. From where I’m looking at this, it seems like he loves chasing his woman and that’s why he used to always chase you. Once you started ‘chasing him’ planning everything, etc. it made him less attracted to the situation. This other woman is making him ‘chase’ her especially with regards to the fact that she told him she’s not interested and this is making him more interested. It’s like the saying that goes ‘we always want what we can’t have’.

I think that it was completely wrong and unfair of him to freak out at you for asking him about the email he sent to the other woman. It’s your right to know. You are in an exclusive relationship with you and he shouldn’t be flirting with other women while with you. That is not fair on you and you were right to have asked him about it. You were really not stupid for doing so. In a relationship you should be allowed to and free to voice your opinions, likes and dislikes freely without worrying about how your partner will react.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don’t think you should have apologized for being emotional and everything during the conversation where he initiated the break-up. It seems to me like he had already thought about everything in advance and waited a break-up and was just waiting for something like your question about the other woman to make the break-up know to you. To me it seems like he was just looking for an excuse to try and turn this around on you.

The fact that he kept mentioning monogamy and how its dumb, for idiots or not what he wants shows that he only broke up with you because he wants to be with other woman. You can see this in his behaviour and even the fact that you mention how he’s chasing after all different women and acting desperate.

His reply to your question of getting back together in the future goes to show that he plans on keeping you waiting or hoping so that once he’s had enough fun being with many different woman he can just come back to you and hopefully everything can just carry on again because he’s slept around enough or had enough of an ego boost. Is this really what you want?

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I understand that you love me – being in a relationship for 7 years with someone; it’s no doubt your feelings for him were/are deep but you need to really think about this. You’ve already wasted 7 years of your life thinking you were building something with him just to have him through it all away; do you really want to waste another day? If he is confused then that’s a really big problem because what if you’re married and after 7 or 10 years of marriage he ‘gets confused’ again and decides ‘ marriage is for idiots’ or it’s not for him, what then? What if there are children involved?

I think that the best thing to do would be to let him be. Don’t ‘chase after him’ anymore, don’t call him or contact him for anything other than work and don’t sleep with him if you have to share a room or bed again (try and take the couch if you have to). The last thing you want right now is to become his ‘friend with benefits’ – read more about this here.

If you want him to miss you and realize that he should be with you, remember what made him fall in love with you to begin with. If he always loved your sense of humour, smile or carefree attitude show more of this when you are with him during work. Be the person he fell in love with. If he started chasing you in the beginning don’t pay any attention to him and before you know it he’ll be chasing you again.

Hang on in there and put you first!

Good luck and God Bless!
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