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Hi
I hope you
can help.
Things
ended with my girlfriend of 1 year and 2 months who I lived with for a year. We
were very close and went through a lot together. She pulled me through the mud
and helped me get a car and get on my feet. We met each other’s families and
she even called herself auntie to my nephew and nieces. We almost had a child
together and were excited but she had a miscarriage.
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| I miss my ex |
Well, she started
acting distant almost 3 months ago and moved into her mom’s house to take care
of her siblings. Her ex boyfriend lives there too. Weird… I know. They broke up
a month before we got together.
She suddenly
became distant and I broke up with her. I told her I didn't mean it and I was
just upset but she told me its better we stay apart. She said she doesn't love
me and never did. She said she thought she did and she tried really hard and eventually
said she realized she loves her ex. She had told me so many reasons why she
left him and couldn’t stand him and how he was a loser while we were together. Now
she’s trying to make things work with him but I think she's confused.
We have
been broken up for 2 months now and she still wears a ring I bought her from a
festival. She made limited contact throughout the two months mostly small talk
and we went to a bar one night 2 weeks into the breakup and ended up going to
our apartment and sleeping together. She said it meant nothing and we have no
chance on getting together again.
We remained
on limited contact with her initiating most of the contact and me only a little.
Last week
she took me out to dinner and the same thing happened where we ended up
sleeping together and then her saying it meant nothing and we will never work.
She said she doesn't want me to be lead on. I told her I am not hoping we get
together and I'm doing fine but I care for her and am willing to make it work.
She said she's in love with her ex still.
After that
we had small talk for a few days and decided we shouldn’t talk anymore and cut
all ties. I said okay and she started crying. We kept talking for 2 more days through
small text. And I started initiating more text just to talk. I called her at
night and she ignored my call. I tried again the next day and she ignored me
again. I then texted her saying we should go through cutting ties and give each
other space and that she has my number if she needs to call me. I haven't heard
from her in two days. Is it really over now? There's no way she doesn't love
me. Will we ever work? I love her so much...will she ever contact me again?
- J
- J
Hi J :)
Thanks a
lot for contacting me.
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| My heart in your hands |
I agree with
one of the points or thoughts you put across in your post - your ex does seem
confused. I think that this could somewhat explain her behaviour. It still
doesn't make it okay though.
There is two ways to look at this:
1. She may be confused. I can understand this mostly due to the fact that she keeps the ring you got her AND wears it. Her feelings for you may also be the reason why she sleeps with you. It could be that she's still hurt by the fact that you ended things with her and even though she may want to be with you this could be adding to her confusion (she may not be sure if you'd leave her again, she may feel like you need to pay a bit longer, etc).
There may have been other things that led up to your break up or reasons for it and this could all be contributing towards her state of mind right now.
2. Another side to the story, and one that's not a
good thought but in my opinion worth thinking about, is that it really seems like you're falling into the
'friends with benefits' department with regards to your ex. The fact that she's
still sleeping with you on occasions, when she's in the mood, and still having
her ex back (and living with him) is in no way good for you. I feel that it's highly
selfish on her part as she's only thinking about herself and not what it's doing
to you.
You need to
put yourself first, J, because if you don't no one will. The only way you can value
yourself is if you don't allow this to happen anymore. By you complying and
making contact with her or sleeping with her you're allowing her to still have
you in her life making her life easier - she gets to keep you and have her ex.
Not only is this bad for your health (with all the diseases that you put
yourself at risk of contracting seeing as you’re not the only person she’s
sleeping with), it’s also detrimental to your emotional health.
Whether she's naturally confused and not intentionally placing you in the 'friends with benefits' category or dong so intentionally, the only way to solve this is to
force her to make a decision and stick to it. I know that it's bound to be hard
for you I can really understand but this is for the best.
1. DO NOT
text her or call her until she calls or texts you.
2. When she
calls or texts you, tell her that you need to meet to discuss the current
situation or something. Chances are she will think you'll just end up sleeping
together again and will agree to meet up.
3. Call her
and tell her that you need to talk. Set a date and or time to meet up. If she
refuses to meet up with you, you will need to resort to other means such as a
phone call, Skype or a letter.
4. You need
to make sure YOU DO NOT sleep with her again until she makes a decision to get
back together with you if that's what she wants.
When you
have the discussion:
5. Tell her that the situation regarding the break-up is hard
for you and you're sure that it's really hard for her to.
6.
Apologize for anything you feel you should apologize for because when a relationship ends both individuals did something wrong and have something to be sorry about whether the majority of the fault lies on one person or not.
7. Tell her
that you both need to move on whether it be together or a part. Let her know
that it's not fair on either of you for the other to not have closure or know
where you stand. Don't point fingers or blame - use more "we",
"us", "either of us" etc. and less of "you".
8. Tell her
that it would be extremely hard but that it has to be that either you have each
other completely or you don’t have each other at all. Tell her that you can’t
be ‘friends with benefits’, sleeping together or just messing around anymore.
9. Set up a
follow up date. Tell her that you know that you both need time to think
about things ( On the spot / impulsive decisions are never a good
thing). Set your follow up date for a day, week or even a month
later depending on what you think and what you both agree on. A week should be an appropriate time frame. A month may be a little too long.
10. Stick
to the date you decide on. Stick to the exact time, day, etc. Don’t make any
contact with her during the ‘thinking time’.
Please keep
in mind that there is no telling what will happen or what she will decide. You
need to be okay with whatever the outcome may be.
I see you
say 'is it really over now? There's no way she doesn't love Me." and it's
sad but true. Yes, it could be over if she decides not to fix things with you
but yes, if she ever loved you (which she must have seeing as you were together
for so long) she always will. Love doesn't go away or die it just fades a
little until it's completely faded - but it's always still there.
If she decides to make things
work with you and can give you her all so that you can both contribute 100% to
the relationship and make it work then that’s awesome. If she can’t and wants
to move on or keep you as ‘the guy on the side’, ‘booty call’ or ‘friend with
benefits’ then that is not all right and you’re better off without her. You
need to understand that if she’s not the right one for you there is someone out
there who is. It may be hard to believe or think about right now or right when
you feel it’s really over (if it gets to that point) but trust me there really
is.
Good luck
and God Bless!
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