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Friday, May 24, 2013

My Ex still kisses me / sleeps with me. : My ex kissed me / Slept with me... Are we really over?


I hope you can help.

Things ended with my girlfriend of 1 year and 2 months who I lived with for a year. We were very close and went through a lot together. She pulled me through the mud and helped me get a car and get on my feet. We met each other’s families and she even called herself auntie to my nephew and nieces. We almost had a child together and were excited but she had a miscarriage.
I miss my ex
She once asked if we were ever going to get married and I said of course we would when the time was right.

Well, she started acting distant almost 3 months ago and moved into her mom’s house to take care of her siblings. Her ex boyfriend lives there too. Weird… I know. They broke up a month before we got together.

She suddenly became distant and I broke up with her. I told her I didn't mean it and I was just upset but she told me its better we stay apart. She said she doesn't love me and never did. She said she thought she did and she tried really hard and eventually said she realized she loves her ex. She had told me so many reasons why she left him and couldn’t stand him and how he was a loser while we were together. Now she’s trying to make things work with him but I think she's confused.

We have been broken up for 2 months now and she still wears a ring I bought her from a festival. She made limited contact throughout the two months mostly small talk and we went to a bar one night 2 weeks into the breakup and ended up going to our apartment and sleeping together. She said it meant nothing and we have no chance on getting together again.
We remained on limited contact with her initiating most of the contact and me only a little.
Last week she took me out to dinner and the same thing happened where we ended up sleeping together and then her saying it meant nothing and we will never work. She said she doesn't want me to be lead on. I told her I am not hoping we get together and I'm doing fine but I care for her and am willing to make it work. She said she's in love with her ex still.

After that we had small talk for a few days and decided we shouldn’t talk anymore and cut all ties. I said okay and she started crying. We kept talking for 2 more days through small text. And I started initiating more text just to talk. I called her at night and she ignored my call. I tried again the next day and she ignored me again. I then texted her saying we should go through cutting ties and give each other space and that she has my number if she needs to call me. I haven't heard from her in two days. Is it really over now? There's no way she doesn't love me. Will we ever work? I love her so much...will she ever contact me again?

- J 

Hi J :)

Thanks a lot for contacting me.

My heart in your hands
It's a horrible situation you find yourself in and I'm really sorry that you're going through that.

I agree with one of the points or thoughts you put across in your post - your ex does seem confused. I think that this could somewhat explain her behaviour. It still doesn't make it okay though.

There is two ways to look at this:

1. She may be confused. I can understand this mostly due to the fact that she keeps the ring you got her AND wears it. Her feelings for you may also be the reason why she sleeps with you. It could be that she's still hurt by the fact that you ended things with her and even though she may want to be with you this could be adding to her confusion (she may not be sure if you'd leave her again, she may feel like you need to pay a bit longer, etc).
There may have been other things that led up to your break up or reasons for it and this could all be contributing towards her state of mind right now.

2. Another side to the story, and one that's not a good thought but in my opinion worth thinking about, is that it really seems like you're falling into the 'friends with benefits' department with regards to your ex. The fact that she's still sleeping with you on occasions, when she's in the mood, and still having her ex back (and living with him) is in no way good for you. I feel that it's highly selfish on her part as she's only thinking about herself and not what it's doing to you.

You need to put yourself first, J, because if you don't no one will. The only way you can value yourself is if you don't allow this to happen anymore. By you complying and making contact with her or sleeping with her you're allowing her to still have you in her life making her life easier - she gets to keep you and have her ex. Not only is this bad for your health (with all the diseases that you put yourself at risk of contracting seeing as you’re not the only person she’s sleeping with), it’s also detrimental to your emotional health. 

Whether she's naturally confused and not intentionally placing you in the 'friends with benefits' category or dong so intentionally, the only way to solve this is to force her to make a decision and stick to it. I know that it's bound to be hard for you I can really understand but this is for the best.

1. DO NOT text her or call her until she calls or texts you.
2. When she calls or texts you, tell her that you need to meet to discuss the current situation or something. Chances are she will think you'll just end up sleeping together again and will agree to meet up.
3. Call her and tell her that you need to talk. Set a date and or time to meet up. If she refuses to meet up with you, you will need to resort to other means such as a phone call, Skype or a letter.
4. You need to make sure YOU DO NOT sleep with her again until she makes a decision to get back together with you if that's what she wants.

When you have the discussion:

5.  Tell her that the situation regarding the break-up is hard for you and you're sure that it's really hard for her to.

6. Apologize for anything you feel you should apologize for because when a relationship ends both individuals did something wrong and have something to be sorry about whether the majority of the fault lies on one person or not.

7. Tell her that you both need to move on whether it be together or a part. Let her know that it's not fair on either of you for the other to not have closure or know where you stand. Don't point fingers or blame - use more "we", "us", "either of us" etc. and less of "you".

8. Tell her that it would be extremely hard but that it has to be that either you have each other completely or you don’t have each other at all. Tell her that you can’t be ‘friends with benefits’, sleeping together or just messing around anymore.

9. Set up a follow up date. Tell her that you know that you both need time to think about things ( On the spot / impulsive decisions are never a good thing). Set your follow up date for a day, week or even a month later depending on what you think and what you both agree on. A week should be an appropriate time frame. A month may be a little too long.

10. Stick to the date you decide on. Stick to the exact time, day, etc. Don’t make any contact with her during the ‘thinking time’.

Please keep in mind that there is no telling what will happen or what she will decide. You need to be okay with whatever the outcome may be.
I see you say 'is it really over now? There's no way she doesn't love Me." and it's sad but true. Yes, it could be over if she decides not to fix things with you but yes, if she ever loved you (which she must have seeing as you were together for so long) she always will. Love doesn't go away or die it just fades a little until it's completely faded - but it's always still there.

If she decides to make things work with you and can give you her all so that you can both contribute 100% to the relationship and make it work then that’s awesome. If she can’t and wants to move on or keep you as ‘the guy on the side’, ‘booty call’ or ‘friend with benefits’ then that is not all right and you’re better off without her. You need to understand that if she’s not the right one for you there is someone out there who is. It may be hard to believe or think about right now or right when you feel it’s really over (if it gets to that point) but trust me there really is.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Shaylee has a secret she's been hiding from everyone... Beneath her brave exterior lies a girl bruised and scarred by life but strong enough to make it through anything. Moral of the story: Sometimes we don't find love because we don't know what to look for.