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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

How I met my husband - How long should you wait before getting married?: My divorce

Do whirl wind romances exist? How long should you wait before getting married? Is love at first sight real? Why would anyone get divorced? Should you stay in a destructive relationship and avoid divorce?

Relationships begin and end all the time. Some last a few weeks. Some months. Others, years. Break-ups are nothing foreign to everyone. Divorces, however, although increasing in commonality, can be multiple times harder.

When you stand at the alter and say the words "I Do" most people do so without a doubt in their mind that they want to spend forever with the other person. They take their vows with no sight of a divorce in mind. No one gets married with the idea in their head that they will be getting divorced sometime in the foreseeable future.

Meeting my then husband - Written in the stars

My ex husband and I officially met in primary school. On the first day of first grade. We were in the same class. Telling people that often made our relationship look like a date made by destiny and appear as written in the stars. Who marries the person they met on the first day of first grade, right? must have been fate! - Apparently not...

We weren't close or even friends throughout Primary school. As much as I could remember we were class mates and that's about it. We didn't see each other outside of school and we didn't see each other at all after 6th grade when I left the school we were attending.

My husband - the charmer

As life would have it, we met up again 13 years later when we ended up working at the same

company. He was easily recognizable by the dimples I'd been fascinated with in Primary school and his near identical features. He was literally a bigger version of the him I had known.

He was charming, handsome with a beautiful personality. I couldn't help but fall in love with the man he appeared to have become. We almost instantly fell into a whirlwind romance and there was nothing either of us could do about it.

From our first official date about a couple of weeks after first bumping into each other we were inseparable. He would constantly be over at my house and if we weren't there I would be with him at his.

He'd take me out, spoil me and treat me with the utmost respect. If there was something I didn't like I could bring it up to him and he would address it instantly. Whenever he was out with his friends he'd have me tagging along by his choice even if I was the only girl there. I felt invaluable. I felt cherished. I felt like I had finally met someone who put me first.

Marriage was almost immediately on the cards

We'd barely been an item for a few weeks and marriage was already a topic discussion for us. My ex was actually the one to bring it up. He spoke about how he felt that he was ready to settle down and wanted to get married. He said a lot of things. That he loved me, That he wanted a family. That he was ready to be a father and have a baby.

Apparently, saying something and meaning it are two completely different things - I learnt this the hard way.

Within a few months, we were engaged, expecting a baby and awaiting our wedding date.

He was changing - I was in love

Pending our wedding date, as time went by and the wedding drew closer and more secure, I started to notice subtle changes in my ex. He was a bit more aggressive and short tempered. He would get angry during arguments or disagreements.

The aggression and frustration he displayed seemed more related to a fear of losing me.

He'd Get angry if we'd have an argument and I'd want to cut the date short and leave or return home. He'd grab my arm or force me to stay.

I naively attributed this to his love for me and the fact that he wanted to be with me so much that the thought of losing me angered him. Doesn't make much sense to me now but it did back then.

I was so in love with him that I justified his actions and excused them.

We got married!

In less than a year from the time that we had met up again, we got married... and then it all fell a part.

Lessons learnt:

People aren't always who they pretend to be. Sometimes, even if you feel like you're in love, don't rush things. If someone loves you today, they will love you the same OR MORE after a month, after a year, after a few months! The longer you are in a relationship the harder it becomes to pretend to be someone you're not.

My ex didn't change. He was just revealing more and more of himself to me as time went by. The more time we spent together and the more our relationship progressed, it became harder for him to pretend or to be someone he wasn't.

Give your relationship time. You'll get to see the REAL person and if they are the one you love and who loves you as opposed to the person they SEEM TO BE, then you can count yourself lucky and continue your life together.

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