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Wednesday, February 6, 2019

How to get out of a toxic relationship: How can I leave my husband / boyfriend ?

How can I escape my boyfriend / husband? How can I leave an abusive / toxic relationship? How can I make myself leave my husband / boyfriend?

Sometimes the only thing as hard as being in a toxic relationship is leaving one. Many people think it takes strength to stay in a toxic relationship but as so many who have been in abusive or toxic relationships have found out, It takes more strength to actually leave.
There are many reasons why people stay in abusive or toxic relationships. 
The following are a few of the more common reasons:
- The cannot afford to be on their own financially
- They fear the thought of being alone
- They don't want to appear as a failure to family and friends
- They have children with their partner and think it may be in the children's best interest to be in a household with both a mother and father
- They do not realize how toxic their relationship actually is
No matter the reason, no one should stay in a toxic relationship and it is always best to get out. When you find yourself thinking about leaving or questioning how it would be possible or what the best way to leave is then the situation must be bad enough for you to consciously realize that you need to leave. This means that it is even more important that you do it as soon as possible.

Below are some tips on leaving a toxic relationship and what the best way of doing so may be.

1. Leave when your partner is not there.
Speaking as someone who was once in a toxic / abusive relationship, I made the decision to leave when my partner was not there.
I had tried to leave before and my partner had either physically forced me to stay or charmingly convinced me to do so. A part of me thinks that the reason why I had tried to leave when he was present before was because that was exactly what I wanted (if even subconsciously) - for him to make me stay or to convince me to do so. Maybe a part of me was hoping that he would see me trying to leave and it would eventually open his eyes to the love we shared and change him for the better. Sometimes it actually appeared this way - like it had worked because it would bring him to apologize and words of love from him would convince me to stay. The truth of the matter is, however that at those times when I "tried to leave" with him around, I was not really ready to leave him.
Make the decision to leave FOR REAL and do it. Make sure that you are actually ready. 

  • Wait for your partner to leave for work, a drink, or anywhere he or she usually goes
  • Pack a few important things 
  • Leave and never look back

    In this way you will not be putting yourself in any danger if your partner is physically abusive or dangerous and you will not be sweet talked into staying in a relationship you know is not good for you.
2. Tell somebody.
Another thing that will assist in making you leave when you know you need to is telling somebody. Tell someone you trust and love about your toxic relationship and that you want to leave. They will be able to make sure that you are safe and even help you if there is anything you need (like a pick up or even some motivation). By telling someone you will have someone to make sure that you do in fact leave even if it is nagging you about it.
3. Write down all the reasons why you need to leave or should leave and let these motivate you to do so.
My biggest reason for leaving was my son. For many people their children are their reason for staying. It was the other way around for me. What many people don't realize is that it is healthier for children to be in a household with one parent then to be in a household with two parents who are in a toxic relationship.
I didn't want to have my son grown up watching his  father ill treat me and think that that was the way he needed to treat women or his future wife. I also didn't want my son to grow up seeing the abuse and knowing that it was wrong and get hurt trying to defend me from his father.
I saw absolutely no good in that situation for my son and so I told my self that I needed to leave for him.
My love for my son was greater then my ego in not wanting to be seen as a failure or any other reason I could possibly have had for staying.
4. Write a letter
If you fear your partner or are easily persuaded and don't want to talk to him for fear of this, then you should write a letter. Write a letter and leave it when you are leaving or give it to someone to give to your partner if you cannot mail it.
5. Stay away
Resist the urge to meet with your partner (alone especially) for any reason at all. Your partner is likely to either hurt you or to try and convince you or sweet talk you into taking him back. Until you are strong enough to know what is best for you and to resist the urge to "try again" all together, make sure that you take someone who knows just how toxic your relationship was to help you and give you strength. This person will also remind you why it would be a bad idea to "Try Again". 
If you need to see your partner to get personal belongings or if you have children and need to have shared custody, make sure that you are never alone. If possible always take your partners calls on speakerphone with someone who will be your support structure present with you.
Abusive and toxic relationships: Gecko and fly
It won't be easy. It will be hard. Even after you leave you will question your decision and wonder whether or not you made the right one. It's absolutely normal. Find courage, strength and support in friends, family and God especially (if you are religious like I am). You will make it through.

Good luck and Gods Blessings

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