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Monday, December 10, 2018

I am in love with someone older: Should I take a chance or walk away

Hi Jade, 

I am 25 and I recently started chatting to this guy who is 42 years old. At first it was just a friendship but I can now feel myself falling for him and I strongly believe he feels the same way. He is exceptionally sweet and romantic and very kind and understanding. he has told me that cares for me as more than just a friend. We have casually hung out a few times but I think he is too scared to "make a move" in case he might ' frighten me away'. I know that the 17 year age gap is a big one for both of us.

I don't want to loose the opportunity for an awesome relationship but am also a bit nervous about the age gap and all that it entails.

Please help! 

With love, 

Kaitlin
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Hey Kaitlin!

Thanks for your email :)

I really hope that I will be able to help.

The best advice I could give you is to think about what you really want and to weigh out your pros and cons.
Your biggest questions to yourself should be "What do I have to loose" and " What am I so scared of"?


Speaking from experience; as someone who is in an age gap relationship, there is a lot to consider. I am not sure what you are concerned about but here are a few things many in age gap relationships worry about or experience and how to deal with or address them:

Either or both of your families may not approve.

Seeing as you are both over any legal ages, this should not be a major concern. I do understand that either of you may be very close to your family and value their opinions or concerns but at the end of the day it is your lives and you have the final say. Your happiness should count too. Family members and close friends usually do come around even if they are not open to the idea at the beginning. More often then not, they have concerns for your happiness and once you make your own decision and they see that you are happy and treated well they usually become more accepting and welcoming to the idea.
Sometimes the concern may not be age gap related but a different personality trait they are concerned about in your prospective partner.

Negative reactions from family, Friends and or strangers.

It is always important to put yourself first. Some people are very judgmental, close-minded and negative when it comes to Caring too much about other people or what they think about your or your life is often detrimental. Try and be a little more "thick skinned". Focus on yourself and your happiness and let negativity or negative comments slide right off you.

Differences in plans or expectations.

This is a valid concern but can be addressed and should be addressed as soon as possible. If you do have feelings for this man and would like to try a relationship with him, you are both old enough to sit down and discuss things like adults. Talk about what you expect from a relationship - Do you both expect something serious and long term or is either of you looking for something casual or a fling?
Are you on the same page regarding marriage? Does either or both of you want a child or children?

You need to determine deal breakers for yourself just as you would with any ordinary relationship and stick to them. If you can compromise with marriage but not with regard to having a child then make that clear. You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the future. if you cannot agree on the important things now then at least you can end things or dissolve the idea before you become more attached and fall deeper ion love.


Concerns of loosing your partner too soon.


This is another valid and serious concern. many In age gap relationships feel like they are robbed of time or that their time is limited. You may feel that you only have so much time left with your partner and then he will retire or even pass away and you will be left alone and heart broken. The truth of the matter is that loved ones are lost at any age and at any time. People outlive their partners all the time and many loose their lives to accidents , illnesses or crimes which have absolutely nothing to do with age.
You need to focus on the positive and feed your relationship positivity and it will flourish and grow and you will have nothing to be concerned about. Live life to the fullest because every ones time on earth is limited.

Advantages often noted and experienced by the younger members of age gap relationships are 
- Maturity. Older members are usually passed the "messing around" or partying phase and more family orientated and settled down.
- Stability: Older members are usually already stable in their lives as well as careers.
- Experienced: The older members are usually more experienced relationship wise and often know exactly what they want. They often aren't bothered by "petty" things and are more understanding too. They are also often a whole lot better in the bedroom :)
- Often their 'Old School mentality' makes them way more romantic, sweet and gentlemanly.

If you are interested, you may need to give your man the 'go ahead' or show him that you are interested. Like you said, he seems unsure whether or not you are open to the idea and doesn't want to scare you off. Maybe him that you feel the same, throw in a few statements that age is just a number or joke about when he's going to ask you out on ' a real date'.
Read: Hints he won't miss for more ideas and information.

Generally, an age gap relationship is just like any other. There will be differences and similarities. You need to communicate effectively to make sure that you're on the same page in all the right places. And as long as you love each other things are bound to work out.

You may also want to read: 


Age Gap Relationships: Are Age Gap Relationships Okay / Acceptable

I hope you make the right decision for you!

Everything of the best

Jade

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